Taking a happy break

© Cheese Curds and Kimchi

I'm having a bit of a meltdown. Here's the thing. Sometimes I just think too damn much. And if you follow this blog at all, you KNOW I've been thinking a lot lately.

I worry about making the right decisions for our family.

Which leads to worrying about the health of the baby.

Which makes me start to panic about the adoption process.

And then I freak out about if the baby will attach to us or not.

And...

You get the idea. All this fear and worry starts to snowball and next thing I know, I'm in a heap of tears. I consulted with my Iron Triad:

• The Man says this is my classic behavior. (I pause to acknowledge that Hubby is indeed correct about this. Whenever I care deeply and really want something, I get a bit neurotic about it. Not a trait I'm proud of, but he seems to love me in spite of this.) He gives me lots of hugs and reassures me that no matter what happens, we'll get through it as a family. (Big bonus points for The Man.) 

• My darling friend C says that she experienced fears like this too before she gave birth to her beautiful girl. She says this is all part of becoming a parent. (For the record, she also said I'm very normal for having these feelings. That's why I love C!)

• And my Mom (who I whined to tonight) says those fears never go away and she made me feel better in a way that only your mom can. She says parents are worried and scared throughout their children's lives, but despite your worries, you have to move forward and make the best decisions you can at each point. I just have to keep going, one step at a time.

I'm not a fearful person by nature. What I am is incredibly controlling. Anytime I have been worried or fearful about something I systematically come up with a plan to address the issues that I'm concerned about. That eases my fear. It gives me control of the situation.

And there's the heart of my problem right now. In this process, I feel I have no control. And that makes me scared. Which is not like me.

Like Elizabeth said in a comment on yesterday's post "if I let that fear be the predominant motivator in my life, life sure wouldn't be much fun." She's right.

So I'm taking a little happy break right now. I've been diving deep into some fearful topics (attachment disorders, angry adoptees, etc.) which is probably adding to my worries.


I have to get back to my happy place. I need some "it's gonna be OK" adoption stuff right now. All flowers and hearts and puppies and rainbows type of adoption stuff.

That's my goal this week.

All suggestions welcome.

(One last note: saw this "sign" from the Universe tonight as I was burning brain cells thinking about this stuff. Walked outside and saw this beautiful sunbeam peeking out from behind the clouds. Thanks Universe. I needed that!)

Adoptee blogs & Harlow's Monkey

Squeezing in a little blog trolling this morning, and shocked to read that one of my favorite bloggers, Harlow's Monkey, is throwing in the blogging towel. This was one of the first adoptee blogs that I came across after we decided to adopt. Not only is Harlow a wonderful writer who shares her insight with thoughtful consideration, she's also a strong voice in the adoptee community, which is a tough thing to do.

Harlow has spoken out bravely and succinctly. She's a transracial adoptee and a social worker so her knowledge of this topic is well vetted. But the topics she discusses aren't easy to read. And her opinions are controversial.

It seems that adoptees who "dare" to express concern, disappointment or frustration at their adoption are labeled as bitter, resentful, ungrateful, or a failure. And the unfortunate thing is that the people who label them as such and give them grief are often adoptive parents.

I suppose it's because we carry this deep seated fear that no matter how much we want to do for, care for, or love our child, they might deem our decision to take them from their birth country/family as wrong. We can't bear the thought that by the very act of adopting and loving them, we might have hurt them.

Add to this the notion that everyone loves a good adoption story. It's much easier to hear the stories from adoptive parents and the touchy-feely-happy stories about adoption, rather than the you-had-no-right-to-take-me-from-my-heritage story. We prefer the myth that "love is enough" and any adoptee who isn't happy/grateful/thankful evidently wasn't loved properly.

So maybe this is why adoptive parents are often the ones who argue vehemently with adoptees who are expressing their truths. (No matter if we agree with them or not, they are speaking THEIR truth.) I admit, I get a bit terrified when I read blogs by adoptees who firmly believe that transracial adoption is wrong. But as much as I want to run from those stories and opinions, it's still important to try and understand.

Harlow spoke to her fellow adoptees, stating "For too long, our voices have been silenced, patronized and told our experiences do not make us an expert in our own lives. No more. We are the authors and experts of our own lives! No one else can speak for us." She's right. What better experts could there be on adoption than those who have lived it?

For every adoptee, their voice and story will be different. For every anti-adoption blog I've read, there were others who supported it. We can't know how our child might feel about their adoption. Of course, we hope to give them the support network and tools to work their way through the challenges they will likely face. And we hope that we can create a strong and loving family they will be happy to be a part of. Reading the journeys of other adoptees, no matter how painful, is a valuable way to understand how to be better parents and work towards these goals.

Please be sure to read THIS POST, where Harlow asks adoptive parents to be an ally to transnational adoptees. It will be hard to live up to many of the things on this list, but that's certainly the kind of parents The Man and I want to be.

And thanks Harlow's Monkey, for all you've done. Her blog is a great resource even though she's not continuing to update. Be sure to check it out.

Here's some links to other adoptee bloggers---
*chopsticks not included
Heart, Mind and Seoul
Hello Korea!
Holt adoption baby
Jane's Blog
John Raible Online
The Transracial Korean Adoptee Nexus
Twice the Rice
When I Touch the Land in Korea
안녕습니다 (annyong seumnida)

Friday round up--8.27.2010

I know it's been a bit quiet here this week. Some weeks seem to get away from me, and this one did for sure. I've been sick this week so I didn't fit in much more than the necessary which meant no time for blogging.

This week I've battled a general blah feeling, with a little "hmm" and a smidge of "grrr". Several of our family members are facing serious medical challenges, I'm anxious about finishing our formal application (finishing this weekend!), work has been stressful, yadda, yadda, yadda. Add all of it up, and I think it's contributed to my mood. I fell as droopy as these flowers.


So my weekend agenda is pretty simple:

1. Spend at least one hour  this weekend doing something that isn't a "have to do" or "need to do".

2. Run another 5K race on Sunday. Hopefully my cold will dissipate by then.

---------------------

This post really made me think. We've all heard people make inappropriate racial comments, and we've all let those moments slip by without saying something even though we were seething inside. Kelly at Are Those Your Kids? shares one of those moments and the mom-guilt she feels afterwards.

At Heart, Mind and Seoul, another food-for thought-post on racism. Acts of racism are, unfortunately, a regular occurance. But usually the ones we non-people-of color notice are those that are really obvious, like using racist racist slurs, degrading someone because of race, etc. But there are countless expressions of racism on a daily basis that are much more subtle and we may not recognize. This post helped me to understand just a little more and as the future parent of an Asian child, I think that's vital information.

A post at 안녕습니다 titled "Choice" kept floating back into my mind all week. It's authored by a Korean-born Australian adoptee and I really hear what she's saying. But as a future adoptive parent, it's really tough to hear. The author argues adoptive parents are the only participants in the adoption triad that have a choice, the choice whether to adopt or not. She also explores whether adopting internationally is good for the children. It's a controversial topic to be sure, and certainly important to consider.

At Three and Counting Sue describes the frustration/panic/stress of trying to make arrangements to bring their son Leo home after receiving a travel call. I can only imagine the mix of emotions she must be feeling!

These links are entirely too serious. Go HERE for a little levity.

Have a great weekend!

WORD Wednesday - The words I know

First--celebrate with me while I do a little happy dance! Our blog just got it's first 100 subscribers! Wahoo! Thanks to all you peeps who subscribe to our blog. Having you guys to talk to through this adventure has really made it much easier. (We know there are some of you lurkers out there who aren't subscribers and we love you too.)

image from Byki Express program

Now, on to WORD Wednesday. I have to admit to you all that I'm not doing so hot with learning Korean. I've been really good about finding lots of places and ways to learn---less good about doing the actual learning. It's just so darned hard!

Today I made time to work using Byki Express. (If you missed our review on this super awesome program, go HERE and read all about it.) After about an hour's work, I have these 13 words added to my vocabulary. We'll see if I can still remember them tomorrow.

At some point, I'll try to tape myself saying them if you promise not to laugh.

And because I like you, here's a video of someone learning to speak Korean that you CAN laugh at. I know I did!

Adoption from the family/friends perspective

I can still recall their expressions when The Man and I excitedly shared our news -- "we are adopting a baby".


They stared at us blankly. It was dead silent. You could practically see their wheels turning as they tried to wrap their brain around the word "adoption" and process all the stereotypes that go with it.


Why are they adopting? Can't they have their "own" child? Adopted kids can be trouble. Are they in for a long road of heartache? When is this happening? 


They made a swift recovery. With smiles on their faces they said "that's great" and followed it up by asking where and when.


From South Korea we answered. 


Another blank stare. Another grind of the wheels. Another pain in our hearts.
_________________

A Different Reaction
As we shared news of our adoption, this was the reaction we occasionally encountered from both family and friends. Those reactions were brutal and searing. We were sharing a decision that was so emotional for us, and something we'd been considering for years. We were ecstatic, and thought we'd be greeted with the same squeals of excitement and enthusiasm when someone announces they are having a child. But it wasn't like we pictured it.

Why the difference? Perhaps it was because they were shocked? Family and friends had assumed that because we hadn't had a family after 17 years of marriage, we weren't interested.

That might be part of it, but it's likely more than that. The people that had those reactions had very little exposure to adoption. Their understanding of what it all entails is probably limited to a tragic Lifetime television movie. They know the appropriate response when someone announces they are pregnant. They aren't so sure how to respond when someone says they are adopting. Should we be happy? Is this a good thing?

Once we could step back from the hurt we felt as potential parents (and I could quit crying about it) we started to think about this news from another perspective. From their perspective. We are bringing adoption into the lives of those around us.  Although we are prepared for this, our family and friends may not be.

The Family
We never really thought about our preparing our family for our adoption. Our discussions with them are usually about the process and timeline, but not about behavior or race issues.

I'm a bit torn about this. Our family is far away so we could easily avoid "educating" (for lack of a better word) them about this stuff. But I want them to feel comfortable talking to us about this, and more important, want them to feel comfortable around our child.

We found a good book that explained a lot of basic adoption stuff, and thought it would be helpful for our parents, but didn't want to be presumptive or pushy. It felt like "Hey, WE are adopting so we want YOU to read this book and learn this stuff to make OUR lives better." I tentatively inquired if they might be interested. Of course they were! We sent it to both sents of parents and they were thrilled to have the book as a resource to learn more. (Yay!)

Now that I think about it, I guess new parents educate their families about their children all the time. They just do it as the kids are growing up. They set boundaries for grandparents. Talk to cousins about not teasing one another about their looks. Ask the aunt not to sneak candy to the kids when they come to visit.

We'll need to do those things too. The difference for us is that we need to start doing it before our child even arrives.

Moving Forward
The reactions to our adoption news taught us that people aren't always comfortable with this topic. They aren't even sure about how to talk about adoption (you don't have to whisper about it or avoid it altogether) and because we are introducing this into their lives, we are now the official adoption flag bearers.

We realized that we need to foster conversations about things like race, stereotypes, and positive adoption language. Those weren't conversations we typically had in the past with family and friends, but  they are things we would love to be able to freely talk about.

We want those close to us to be able to ask questions and learn more about this process. We've enjoyed sharing our lives with them and want to share this too! This isn't necessarily easy because it's new territory that we are all treading through. There will likely be missteps, overstepping of boundaries, and hurt feelings along the way, but we hope it's something we can work through together.

Here's a few sites with more information about talking to family and friends about adoption.

• For Family and Friends: Intro to Adoption

• Preparing Extended Family for Adoption

• Things Not To Say

• Answering Questions About an Adopted Child

Photos are worth a thousand words--but which photos?

Awkward Family Photos

Wrapping up the last bits of of our application. One of the things we have to include is photos, and you'd think for a photographer, this would be pretty easy. But I'm finding it one of the hardest things about the application process.

Perhaps I know I'm being too picky. We have tons of photos of us. But when you are picking photos that show you as potential parents...you want to get things just right. Our photos will accompany our homestudy to Korea. Those two things are the only way the people matching us with a child will get to know us.

I wonder what they will make of these two Americans? Do we send the photos where we are more silly (which we often are)? Will they understand our 50s/60s home decor (it's all midcentury modern) or will they think we are living with our parent's hand-me-down furniture? I wonder how photos of our lives will translate to the Korean culture.

And with all that on my mind, none of our photos look good enough. Here's what we have to send:

Awkward Family Photos

• Two photos of us together, recent close-up shots where we are dressed up. (Dress up? What's that??)

• One pic of each family member--plenty of those but they can't include pets or others in the photos so that really limits the selection. You also can't be wearing sunglasses in the photo. (Who knew how many pics we had taken while wearing sunglasses?)

• Photos of the front and insides of our home. This is the easiest of the bunch. With all our house updating projects I've got tons of photos already.

• And photos showing how we live, with us on vacation, sports, hobbies, etc. We've got plenty here with lots of pics of us mountain biking, working on our house. Most of the photos seems to have just one of us (The Man) in them, but there's a few that will work.

For those of you that have already done this, what type of photos did you send? 

If you need an extra giggle today, stop by THIS SITE. It's a great collection of awkward family photos. We won't be sending any images like this for our application!

The Versatile Blogger Award

How cool is this?! I was tagged with a Versatile Blogger award! (To be completely honest, I had been seeing these fly around in the Blogoverse and was secretly hoping I might get to play....yay!)

I was tagged by Christine, mama of one of the world's most adorable children, AKA Spencer and author of one of my fave blogs, 12,450 Miles. (Thanks Christine!!)

I go there for daily doses of eye candy, AKA Spencer, and to follow her chronicles since the boy wonder, AKA Spencer, joined his new family 16-months ago. Go check out Christine's blog and I'm sure you'll find lots to love too.

Here's the award rules:
1. Thank and talk about whoever gave you the award (see above).
2. Share 7 facts about yourself (see below).
3. Give the award to 7 other bloggers who rock.

Seven facts about me:
1.  I love the smell of skunks and cow poop. Gasoline and permanent markers are pretty good too.

2.  I'm ridiculously competitive. We're talking really, really competitive. With others (like The Man when we are at the gym) and with myself. I used to keep a chart logging my times to complete the NY Times crossword puzzle each day, and would try to improve my average time each week. Pathetic. I find overly competitive quite annoying so I try to reign myself in, but it doesn't seem to be working.

3.  I've been vegetarian for 17 years.

4.  I'm a professional photographer, but I'm ambivalent about photography as an art form. Photography, for me, is more of a vehicle for making personal connections than creating art. Don't get me wrong, I get damn excited when I nail an image. But it's the interaction with people that I find most rewarding.

5.  I love to start projects, but really suck at finishing them. It doesn't matter what the project is, big or small. And this really, really annoys me.

6.  I can't go anywhere without my laptop and a wireless card. In April we were at a remote cabin in the woods where I was cut off from the cyberworld for 3 days. I felt all jumpy and unsettled like a crack addict without a fix.

7.  I married a really wonderful man! We went to high school together and were good friends, but never dated. We "met" three years after high school at a friend's wedding, and have been together ever since. We've been through a lot together, and I'm a better person because of him.

And now to pass on the award! I am giving a big shout out to several kick ass bloggie buddies who comment regularly here, and share their support, strength, and encouragement. Thanks, and tag, you're it!

Christy @ Three Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

Elizabeth @ a.e.i.o.

Zabe77 @ Babysteps

Brooke @ Waiting on Willow

Kristen @ I Spy a Family

Geochick @ Adventures of a Dam Engineer

Amy @ The Purple of Life

Amber @ Life in the Last Frontier

Friday Roundup--8.20.2010

The 12-man beer bong

The Weekend To-Do List:

1. Drink beer with friends and send all the summer interns off with a bang. Note to self--I am not 23 anymore and will not drink/act like it. (Disclaimer--I am not in the photo but this is how we party, Milwaukee style. Gotta love Brew City.)

2. Go to a one-year-old's birthday party! Try to resist the temptation of jumping in the bouncy house with all the under five crowd and showing them some killer moves.

3. Work. Enough said about that.


4. Get up ridiculously early after working the night shift, drive 2 hours, and run a 5K. All by 8 a.m. That one is gonna be a challenge.

Hope your weekend has lots in store for you as well!
_________________


You know I'm a sucker for stories by moms reflecting on their children growing up. (I don't even have a baby yet and I'm already imagining them growing up!) Lisa reflects HERE about the things her daughter Bella used to love, and wonders how she might change and grow as she's about to turn 9. She describes her daughter with such sweet details that you can sense what a special relationship the pair have.

MJ writes about people asking her where she's from, and her feelings on standing out in a crowd.  It happens all the time is a great post, insightful, and I learned a lot about MJ's experience, and what other adoptees may feel as well.

And another super post by Malinda at AdoptionTalk. Her post is based around language used by adoptive parents of Asian children, and weaves in some practical information too, such as eyewear for Asians. She references a post by another blogger, who, being Asian herself, brings up some really valid points.

Catching up on back posts at 12450miles. Blogger Christine shared a link to String-Ring, a kindness reminder ring. I particularly like the red thread rings, since the red thread story is a Chinese legend reminding us that there are those in the world who are destined to be in our lives--we just have to wait to meet them.

For non-adoption related fun, I loved this site which has a collection of great and funny photos taken from angles which make the photo appear to be something that it's not. I want to go out and try some of these myself!

Have a fantastic weekend!

Signs from the universe

© Cheese Curds and Kimchi

I was on assignment yesterday covering the preparation of the schools for the start of classes after Labor Day. When I walked into a classroom I saw this lovely bit of art, scrawled onto a freshly washed chalkboard.

Sometimes I think the universe is giving me signs. Or perhaps I'm just more aware and open to these "messages" than I ever was before.

Either way, it's like a little hug each time I come across one. And I really needed an adoption hug this week.

Seems that I had a glut of people giving me their unsolicited opinions about how to raise our child, or questioning the process in general. Even the technician taking blood for my physical had to inquire: why do you need a blood draw for an adoption? He was rude and snide, and so was my response. "Because that's what they want."

Then I thought, wait, this is a chance to educate someone! So I very nicely explained that each country sets their own rules about who they will adopt their children to. "Where are you adopting from" he asked, still rude, as if the adopting country was ridiculous and outrageous.

Korea, I say. He huffs and rolls his eyes. "You'd think they'd be happy you are taking their kids." Oh my god. What an idiot.

It wasn't his questions as much as his approach. I gritted my teeth and said I'm sure they appreciated us giving their children homes, but they wanted to be sure that adoptive parents were as healthy as possible, yadda, yadda, yadda. And what's it to him anyway? He's paid by the hour. Take my blood and shut up.

Somedays, that just really gets on your nerves.

So stumbling across something as sweet as this drawing helps me stay grounded.

Thanks Universe. I needed that.

WORD Wednesday--Free Korean lessons in Byki Express

Go here. Now. Download this free learning program. You won't regret it!

It's a free program by Byki Express (www.byki.com) and it's the most comprehensive and easiest program I've found so far to learn Korean. 

(By the way, there's plenty of other languages at the site so if Korean isn't your cup of tea, there's something there for you too.)

The program downloads easily and the interface is super smart. The flashcard-styled approach makes using the program a breeze and it's very interactive. The pronunciation is clear (critical to understanding what the hell I'm trying to make my mouth say) and the transliterations make it easy to follow along. You always know just how far into the lesson you are and how much you have completed which is a nice feature too.

Image from Byki Express

Words are organized into lists and there are plenty of them to choose from. You can easily toggle back and forth between lists, and again, can easily monitor how much of each less you have completed.

Lists can be imported, exported, and there are a lot of options for customization on the flashcards.

I especially loved the testing part of the program, where you can guess what is said/on the flash card and the info is compiled so you can see what words you have memorized.

Oh yeah, and they also send you handy tips via email too.

Overall, I can't say enough about this! Now if only I was disciplined enough to make myself do the work instead of just blogging about it....

Adoption poetry: Half a World Away

Photo by dmac1969

Half A World Away

By Jill Marshall-Work

Half a world away Sometimes it seems we're so far apart But a half a world away Is not too far for a journey of the heart My little one, my precious joy I'm waiting for you My precious son, my little boy I know you're waiting too Half a world away A child waits for a family of his own While a half a world away A family waits to come bring him home My little one, my precious joy I'm whispering a prayer My precious son, my baby boy I hope to soon be there Half a world away So many miles to bring you home at last And half a world away So many months of waiting are past. My little one, my precious joy You're fin'ly home to stay My precious son, my little boy We celebrate this day... Knowing we will no longer be half a world away. Copyright words and music 1999 Jill Marshall-Work

Jill Marshall-Work is an adoptive mom of two children. She wrote this poem as she waited to bring home her son Quinn, then 33-months-old, from Can Tho, Vietnam.

The dreaded medical sheet

Image by ulibrsrkr

We worked on our formal application this weekend. It's going pretty fast because we've gathered most of the information for our home study and pre-applications. But we do have to fill out another medical sheet.

This part totally sucks.

The medical sheet lists out different potential medical issues children could have and you have to check yes, no or "will consider" for each one. It's something no parent ever wants to think about--that their baby may arrive with medical needs. Its an exercise in brutal honesty with yourself where you have to make a line in the "adoption sand" and say this is OK, but that is not.


Each time I look at it, it makes my stomach flutter.

Low birth weight--yes. But are we willing to take a child five pounds at birth? Three to five pounds at birth?

Premature birth--OK. How about if they are born at 36 weeks? 34-36 weeks? under 34 weeks?

We move on to the next questions. Heart disease requiring surgery. Heart disease that doesn't require surgery. Infectious disease. HIV. Meningitis. What the hell is CMV? VDRL? Blood disorders. Spina Bifida. Cerebral palsy. Physical impairments. Birth defects. Medical issues.

That's just the first page. 

For each medical malady I imagine a tiny face of a child who needs a family. An innocent little baby. I blink back tears.

I feel worse with each "no" box we check. The cumulative weight of the no answers adding up like a brick in my chest. The decisions grow increasingly difficult as we work our way down the page. I think of those faces, and feel like I'm saying "no, you aren't good enough for my family" to each one. It hurts.

We set aside the medical needs list, sending an email to our social worker and asking for her advice. We aren't medical experts and these decisions seem way above our head. We don't know what potential problems could stem from even something as seemingly "small" as premature birth. There is so much uncertainty about becoming a parent, in addition to adoption. Adding on the medical---it's a lot.

I feel like a terrible person. The Man reminds me that being brutally honest is as important to this child's life as it is to ours. We have nothing to be ashamed of or to feel badly about. We need to state exactly what we are able to handle. I know he's right. But it's still hard.

I am thankful there are those special people out there who can raise children with these needs. They seem so unafraid, so ready to tackle anything. I really admire them.

But as badly as I feel, I know that's not me.

A South Korean history lesson

Image from Korean History for International Citizens by Northeast Asian History Foundation

How about a little weekend vacation to Korea?

Here's a lovely 50+ page book that is illustrated with beautiful photos. It has a history of South Korea, exploring their history from ancient to modern times.

It's very well done, and it's FREE!


Get your download HERE.

Friday Roundup--8.13.2010

"Do you think he's born yet?" asked The Man.

I paused, knife hovered over the chopping block where I am busy chopping vegetables for our dinner. With all the busy work of the adoption process--filling out forms, parent classes, etc, I hadn't thought about that.

Is he born yet.

A little electric zap jolts my heart, and this whole adoption thing, this whole parenting thing becomes a bit more real. I think about bringing home A baby all the time, but the thought that THE baby, OUR baby could already be out there...it takes my breath away.

"I don't know," I say, as I resume chopping. "Maybe."

And I smile.

---------------------------




This beautiful and sweet post at Journey to Eden written the day before Eden's adoption is finalized, shares her mother's adoption journey.

Learned a lot from the post Dual Citizenship Details at the blog The Land of the Morning Calm. The blogger discusses the pros and cons about dual citizenship being offered to Korean adoptees.

On the topic of cross-cultural adoptions, this post at Happy to be Me shares some advice with adoptive parents. "I strongly believe that those who intend to adopt children from abroad must be made aware of the unique challenges that surround raising a child of another culture, especially if the adoption originates in the U.S."

Found this recipe for gnocchi with roasted tomatoes and fresh basil in a cream sauce at The Cooking Photographer's blog. Sounds like a great way to use up that fresh produce in our garden.

For my laugh of the week, The Man and I enjoyed trolling through the "blog" of unnecessary quotes
which kept us shaking our heads at the poor punctuation skills of signmakers across the world.

Adoption shopping at Etsy

Was hunting around for a gift at Etsy, and found they have quite a few adoption-related items. Plenty to choose from with many countries represented. Here's a few treasures I found. What do you like?

A pendant says "mother" in Hangul, by dosbesitos. Pendants are available for many other family members and in other languages.

Print of an original ink illustration showing that families come in all shapes and sizes by barkingbirdart.

At handcraftedhope's Etsy shop she has glass magnets for sale, $5.00 for a set of 4. Features S. Korean flag and the coat of arms, as well as the outline of the country with "Love knows no borders".

jqueenan has a lovely 16x20 Giclee print of an adoption family tree that can be customized with leaves that are cut out and attached to the print.

jqueenan also has this print dedicated to China adoptees which reads "Even the mighty oceans of the world could not keep my heart from you."

SweetTeaShoppe has a lovely sterling silver necklace with a diaper pin and freshwater pearl, all for $32! You can have a different phrase stamped on it if this one doesn't work for you.

Theglassgecko creates name bracelets out of red satin cord, representing the Chinese proverb: "An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance.

The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break."

A story book about waiting to bring a child home by loloINK.

Adoption pack for the Ruby Love  Baby Memory Books at rubylovedesigns.

WORD Wednesday--Santoki

Sometimes you just need to sing! I remember words much better when they are put to music. So I wondered if the same thing would hold true for learning Korean. I figured I'd start with learning a few children's nursery rhymes to check my theory. (And they also may come in handy on that long, long flight home from Seoul.)

So here's the first I'm learning--Santoki! It's a very well known children's nursery song in Korea, with a simple melody and words. The word "santoki" means mountain bunny. As this video shows, evidently not just children enjoy the song:




Watch a sweet little girl sing this song, go HERE. Or watch omma (mom) sing to her baby HERE.

The lyrics, in English, Korean and transliterated are below. It's up to you to learn the gyrations and accompanying hand moves on your own.

ENGLISH:
First Verse:
Mountain bunny, bunny
Where are you going?
Bouncing, bouncing as you're running.
Where are you going?
Second Verse:
Over the mountain peaks, peaks
I will climb them on my own
Plump, plump chestnuts
I will find and bring

ROMANICIZED:
First Verse:
San-toki, toki-ya
Uh-dee-reul gah-neu-nyah?
Kang-choong, kang-choong tee-myun-suh
Uh-dee-reul gah-neu-nyah?
Second Verse:
San-go-gae go-gae-reul
Nah-hon-jah nuhm-uh-suh
to-shil to-shil ahl-bahm-eul
Joo-wuh-suh ol-tae-yah

KOREAN:
First Verse:
산토끼 토끼야 어디를 가느냐
깡총깡총 뛰면서 어디를 가느냐
Second Verse:
산고개 고개를 나혼자 넘어서
토실토실 알밤을 주워서 올테야

The application has arrived, and so have my nerves

It's here! The FORMAL APPLICATION (I hear those words booming as if spoken by James Earl Jones) came from AIAA on Monday. It's all very straightforward, mostly a repeat, although more in-depth, of our preliminary application that we sent to AIAA already. There's a deadline date on the application--we have to have it completed by Sept. 7. The clock has started!

When The Man walked into the house wiggling that big yellow envelope in front of him, I felt a huge jolt of nervousness. Last week I was ecstatic to receive the application. Last night, when we opened it, I felt a weird mixture of joy, excitement, and panic.

I think part of the nerves are because this process is hard for me to measure. I'm not sure I can explain it, but I'll give this analogy a try.

Pregnancy, to me, seems like a pop song. (Disclaimer: I know pregnancies can be very different, but for the sake of this analogy, let's just imagine a straightforward, easy pregnancy.) Like a song, it follows a fairly set pattern. A few stanzas, chorus, stanza, chorus, finish. There might be a few surprises along the way, but you generally know how long the song/pregnancy is going to last. All the while, nature gives you a visual indication of where you are in the process so you can tell when it's getting near the end. It (hopefully) follows a predictable course and you are being prepared for parenthood throughout the entire process.

Adoption feels more like a free-form jazz performance---frenetic activity interspersed by long periods where nothing seems to be happening and you have no idea where the song is going. There is a vague notion of a schedule, but things can go much faster or much slower than anticipated. On a day to day basis, our lives feel exactly the same as they always have, and we are doing the same things we've always done. It's hard to measure the process, to know where we are at, and feel like we are moving forward. At some point the song/adoption will be finished, but it might catch you by surprise.

So when we move forward a step, like receiving the formal application (which is a bit intimidating) it kind of smacks me around a bit. Wait...this is really happening!

And that's when my nerves kick in. Holy crap. Whatever we put down on this application will directly affect what little person becomes part of our family. For a woman who is worried about doing the exact right things, this is a bit terrifying.

Take a deep breath. The right things are happening at the right time and in the right way. I try to comfort myself with that thought when I get a bit overwhelmed with worry, fear, panic.

My friend M told me this is exactly how all moms feel. That the emotions I'm going through are what all parents do--worry about their child. And my sister T says this really never goes away.

Well, I'm glad that my nerves aren't anything unusual. If only this stomach would ache go away.

Book Review: "Cross-Cultural Adoption"

Geez did this weekend fly by! The race was great, but hotter than a cast iron skillet. And humid too! The Man says it was like exercising in a sauna, but we both made it through our races.

image source-Amazon.com

The long drive was relaxing and I sped through another adoption book "Cross-Cultural Adoption" by Amy Coughlin and Caryn Abramowitz.

The book is aimed at the family and friends of the adoptive family, which is a super great idea. We don't have any adoptions in our family, and because we live far away, our family members haven't had many conversations with us about adoption. I loved this passage from the book:

"Adoptive parents ask a lot of their family and friends. We ask that you treat us the same, but also that you treat us differently. We ask you to learn about the things that are important to us, and take special care with our children. Protect them from other people's curious stares. Tread carefully with your words. Be positive. Be wise."

I hadn't really thought about that before. And I realized that while we have been eating, living and breathing adoption, our families have not. That's why a book like this is such a great idea.

It's a pretty quick read and I wasn't impressed with it at first. The first section has 18 commonly asked questions, such as why did they go all the way over there to adopt a child, why didn't her "real" parents want her, or why didn't they just have one of their own. Answers to these questions are broken into two parts, the first being the abbreviated answer you give a child, and the second being the answer you give to an older child or adult.

The questions were pretty good, but I didn't think the answers were direct enough. Sometimes they seemed a bit mushy and they were tedious with explanations. They seem to say the same things over and over and lose the point in their effort to be educationy (yeah, I know that's not a word). But overall, the questions were good, and the answers OK.

My favorite part of the books is the do's and don'ts section for grown-ups. Here's an example:

"Adopted children have the same need for and right to privacy as you do. They do not want their entire life story being told to any stranger who stops and asks. Until a child is old enough to decide for herself how much information about her background she is willing to share, you should respect her privacy and avoid telling her life story to anybody who asks. Just because they asked does not mean you have to tell them."

Adoptive parents get used to being put on the spot and having to answer these types of rude questions. But family members probably haven't learned adoption "etiquette" and aren't experienced yet in dealing with these situations. The book shares what information is appropriate to share with others, and gives basic answers and suggestions about common adoption questions.

Here's an example from the "do" section:

"One of the best things you can do to show your support and love for the adopted child is to learn, even a little bit, about the history and culture of her birth country. Read a book or two. They don't have to be dry school texts; literature written by a native author or historical novels set in her country of birth provide fascinating insight and details into the area's culture and history."

These are the type of things adoptive parents know, but are details we may not have discussed with our family and friends.

The final section of the book gives a brief history/culture lesson about the top 10 countries that Americans adopt from, which was also a great idea.

Overall, I'd recommend suggesting the book to friends and family. We've had several friends and family ask what they could do to help us in this process, and the answer is, get educated about adoption!

This book is a good start.

Mommy Cards--say what??

image source

Have you heard of Mommy Cards? I hadn't before today. I spied a reference to it on one of the adoption message boards and wasn't sure what they were talking about.

Google to the rescue. Evidently mommy cards are "the newest thing in mommy networking." (I had no idea there was such a thing as mommy networking either.)

According to themommycard.com, there are at least 10 reasons to for moms to have a card. Among them are to give to moms you want to have playdates, as contact info (and allergy info) for babysitters, to make grandparents smile, or, heaven forbid, to hand out if your child gets lost.

I'm a bit conflicted on this. The super-geeky, stationary-loving, organization-adoring part of me thinks it's a fabulous idea. They could be really useful and they are damned cute. And evidently they are hip. Who doesn't want to be hip?

image source

I can imagine meeting someone at the playground and the kids get along great and you are digging through the bottom of the diaper bag searching for a scrap of a gum wrapper to write your phone number on. You might discover the paper weeks later and can't remember if you said you'd call them, or they were supposed to call you, or even what they looked like.

A mommy card would solve those problems.

But here's where I feel a little squeamish. It feels a little desperate, pretentious and forced. A bit too much "my kid is so popular and important that we need these cards because writing down his information gives my hand cramps." Something about it just seems weird to me.

Have you ever seen anyone use these in real life? Are they practical and serious, or just tongue-in-cheek type of fun? Some of the cards are quite snarky and sarcastic, with slogans like "have your mommy call my mommy."

I don't know if I'm quite up to using these. I'm more of a gum wrapper type of gal. I guess we've got a lot of time to mull it over.

image source

Here's a few sources if your little tyke is ready.

Kodak Gallery - These are FREE!

Tiny Prints - Not free, but the designs are super cute.

The Mommy Card - The name says it all. Great designs too.

Itsy Bitsy Smiles - I'm running out of adjectives. Go see for yourself.

image source

Let's Do Sandbox Article - Story about mommy networking.

Friday Roundup plus an update!--8.6.2010

Hooray hooray! Another week over, another step forward. We heard from AIAA, our agency in Michigan, that they are sending out our formal application. Our home study will be ready in about a month, so this means that we can work on the formal app at the same time. Then we can send the whole kit and kaboodle off to Michigan. After that, not sure if the the exact time line. Will have to do some checking around...

Heading off for a nice road trip this weekend to the other side of the state for another bike race/5K. The trip is about 6 hours each way and the trails are really beautiful. Spending time lounging in the car, feet propped up on the dash getting warmed by the sun, listening to Bob Marley and paging through a magazine sounds awesome. Can't wait!

Have a great weekend!

-------------------

Do yourself a favor--read this post "Seeing Color: Transracial Adoption" at Grown in My Heart. It's an excellent perspective on being a multicultural family and how people react to that. It's a topic that The Man and I discuss frequently, and I know the discussions will continue throughout our child's life. Color does matter and while many of us celebrate our differences, others fear them. Unfortunately, as far as race relations have come, they are still so far from being where they need to be.

This post "One for four this week. Done. Snap." completely cracked me up. The blogger is attempting to run 240 miles in 5 months. Her description of one particular run on the "dreadmill" was perfect. I know just how that feels!

I loved this sweet post by Kristen at I Spy a Family. I can totally imagine myself doing the same thing. And she writes about such a sensitive moment in such a funny manner! Love it.

OK. I've sent ya'll over to Hyperbole and a Half before, but this post titled Bicycle had me giggling in bed (much to the chagrin of The Man who was trying to sleep). Hope one day when we are teaching Little Man how to ride a bike it goes much smoother.

One final note--the rhubarb cake that I talked about making in last Friday's blog post--it was ridiculous. DO NOT make this cake unless you are OK with losing your self-control and are willing to subject yourself to overwhelming urges to sit with an 11x14 tray of goodness and a spoon, and growl at anyone who attempts to take it away from you. It. Was. That. Good. Grrr.

Adoption stories on POV

Point of View is one of my favorite television shows. I'm a sucker for a good documentary. If you haven't seen the show, they always present compelling stories in a non-exploitive or hyped up way. I learn so much about things I've never experienced before and other ways of living.

I just found out they are doing a series on adoption! From the snippets in the trailers, the stories look amazing.



First Person Plural airs August 10. A Korean-born California-raised adoptee begins to remember her birth family, and investigates her adoption story.

Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy airs August 31. This story follows Fan Sui Yong, and 8-year old Chinese born girl, adopted to a Long Island Jewish family. This story shows the identity struggle international adoptees go through.

Off And Running airs September 7. Avery, an African American, was adopted transracially. She struggles to understand her birth culture and her identity.

In The Matter of Cha Jung Hee airs September 14. This film is a follow-up to First Person Plural, where filmmaker Deann Borshay Liem returns to Korea to find Cha Jung Hee. Hee was the child Liem was supposed to be when she was adopted to a California family.

Tips: If you go to the POV websites, you can sign up for emailed reminders when the shows air. Genius! Check your local listings (also from the POV site) because each show airs more than once. And three of the four films are available for online viewing for several months after their air date.

WORD Wednesday--Music and Language

image from aheeyah.com

Music makes the world go round. (Or is it love?? I always get cliches wrong. But both of these could work I suppose.)

Anyhoo--here's a nifty music site, aheeyah.com, that's got some basic Korean language stuff you might find helpful.

There's some basic language and phrases, mostly pertaining to things you'd want to say if you were a musician in hanging out in Korea, and wanted to have a jam session. Here you can learn how to say:

다 같이 [불러요]!
Let's [sing] together!
ta kat chi [pool reoh yo]!

image from aheeyah.com

I know, not likely that most of us will be looking for singing partners while we're in Korea, but I did find the lyrics site entertaining and possibly a fun way to cram some more language into my brain. Thousands of songs have been translated on the site (look out K-pop fans) and are presented in Korean, English and transliterated versions.

I used to learn Spanish through song lyrics... maybe it will work for Korean too.

Check out the Korean language lessons at this site HERE. And click HERE to go directly to the lyrics page.

Tasty Tofu! Thanks Maangchi!

Dubu Ganjang Jorim / © Cheese Curds and Kimchi

Just a quick post to tell you how freaking good this recipe is!

Tonight we had another Korean dish--dubu ganjang jorim (also known as panfried tofu in soy sauce). It cooks up super fast, about 20 minutes start to finish. One minor setback--the sesame seeds were supposed to be lightly toasted but they came out looking like bits of pepper. We had dubu sans sesame.

You can see the recipe HERE at this super fabulous Korean cooking site
www.maangchi.com. Maangchi is just an everyday gal like us, who happened to like to cook. She started doing YouTube videos of her cooking, and tapped into a niche. Whole bunches of people were interested in learning Korean cooking. So she started a blog and posts recipes, videos, a Korean grocery store directory, explanations of Korean ingredients, and the list goes on and on! It's well worth a click to get over there and look around.

One last thing to look at--click HERE to go to Maangchi's shop. She has some recipe/cooking apps for iPads, podcasts, and recipe books for sale at Amazon.

And to make her site even more kick ass, she has those same recipe books available as ebooks for FREE! Yep, she's make this kimchi mama very happy!

For our meal, we had dubu (doo boo) with rice and an Asian-styled pickled asparagus. Super yum!

Come on. A whole world of wonderfulness awaits you. You know you wanna try it. So what's it gonna be?

Four legged babies

I have blogged about our dog baby before. He's a little spoiled, and there's a good reason for it. Gus is a freaking awesome dog and wonderful housemate!

He goes to work every day with his dad. Everyone at the vet office can bring in their pet, though few do it on a regular basis. But the two regulars are Gus, and his doggie girlfriend, Vivian.

She's a feisty little Shih-Tzu who keeps Gus on his toes. At lunch time, the two tear through the break room, Gus dragging Vivian around by her fluffy tail (which isn't that fluffy anymore since Gus swallows most of her fur) and she, pulling on his floppy jowls. They are a pair!

On Sunday morning, we found out that Vivian was struck by a car and died. We were mortified. We were so devastated by the loss of that sweet little girl, and so crushed for her dog-mommy.

Immediately, our thoughts went to our little boy. I ran outside where he was lounging in the sun to make sure his lead was firmly attached. I looked at his sweet little face and wondered what he would think when he went to work with The Man and his girlfriend wasn't there.

"What makes us love him so much?" asked The Man.

I don't know.

I know the comparison of pets to children is, in theory, quite ridiculous. Of course children are more...more of everything. More love. More fear. More pride. More joy.

But I can't help but compare them. For the nearly 18 years we've been married, our pets have been our babies. I feel panic when Gus isn't well. I miss him and the kitties terribly when we are traveling. I am proud of him when he's well behaved. I am delighted when one of the crew learns a new trick. I beam when people fawn over them.

Are those reactions so different than mothers with their children?

Oooh. Getting very deep with the thinking here. Best to ponder that on another day.

This morning though, I was thankful that Gus and I speak a different language so I wouldn't have to break the news to him about Vivian.

Parenting advice from a Korean adoptee

Put prejudices aside. Share and experience the birth culture. And concentrate on being a parent, not only an adoptive parent. Just enjoy your adopted child and love them.

This is the advice from an adoptee who shares her views and opinions about international adoption on YouTube videos. I thought these videos by stephxhoney were insightful and thoughtful, and it was really great to hear a perspective on adoption from someone who has lived it.

She has many more. Check them out.