Showing posts with label International adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label International adoption. Show all posts

9.30.2014

Things change

Hey there. Remember me?

I'm the dimwit who wrote a season-ending giant cliffhanger a few months ago, saying things were going to change.

And then I never returned. So let me catch you up.

First there was this:


And this:


And then all of this.







See? BIG!!

The Cheesecurds are no longer in the Land of Cheese! We are now, hell, I have no idea what they call folks here. Doesn't matter though...we are still Cheesecurds. We just live in the City of Roses now. Portland, to be exact.

You might be saying "holy hell, I can't believe they picked up and moved!" and that's my thoughts exactly as I drive around our new city. It was a decision a long time in the making, though when the gears starting turning it happened incredibly fast.

The Man and I were both born and raised in the northwest. After marrying, we knew we wanted to settle down in the northwest as well, but not before we ventured out and explored other parts of the country. We lived five years in California, six years in northern Wisconsin, and nine years in southeast Wisconsin.

We loved it there. Had a great house. Amazing friends. Good jobs. We lived in the best school district and a fantastic neighborhood. We were definitely setting deep roots but still felt unsettled because we couldn't say no to the idea of returning to the northwest once again. There was the weight of the "should we or shouldn't we" question hanging over every thing we did.

The past few years we've had so many losses in our family and we were feeling the pull to return even harder. A great job opportunity coincidently opened up for The Man when we were visiting the northwest for my sister's memorial, so a few quick job interviews, and wham, next thing we knew we were moving!

*******

Though it was something we had talked about for years, we were completely unprepared to actually move. And, because I suck at change, The Man basically had to drag me kicking and screaming.

I got focused on all the negatives of leaving Wisconsin. It meant giving up a career that I had dedicated myself to for the past 15 years for...no job in sight. The odds of both of us lining up jobs at the same time were close to none. We opted to go for the higher wage and follow The Man's job. But that meant walking away from a very good journalism job at a time when the number of journalism jobs have been falling faster than apples in October. This move could mean that I've walked away from journalism. I was heartsick.

It also meant leaving a network of amazing friends. Seriously amazing. There are our besties---for 15 years we have hung out, grown our families together, and watched our children become friends. I know we'll stay friends for life, but it will be darned hard not to call them on Friday at 4:30 and say, want to meet at the park in 1/2 hour for a beer?

And then we were lucky enough to make some new friends, brought together through adoption and parenting. You know how hard it is to find a couple where all four of you just click? We had that. (Sniff.)

And not at the end of the list are countless people (GB! MLS!) that were an integral part of our lives and we miss every day!

Of course, another huge concern was the boys. Little Brother was just settling in. Finally sleeping through the night (mostly) in his own room. He had only been home 4 months when we started packing up for the move. And Little Man handles change as well as I do. To say he was out of control would be putting it nicely.

We all struggled.

Into the fray came my mom. Poor thing. Two weeks before we moved she came out to help. (THANK YOU MOM!!)  I realized that there was no way we were going to be able to get out in time. The Man and I were completely exhausted. We had been packing between 8 p.m. (after boys went to bed) and midnight, and there was just no more juice in our tanks. My mom came in full of energy, and when she wasn't chasing our very busy, very emotional kids, she was packing boxes. And she did it while I acted bitchy and whiny the whole time. She was a champ.

Somehow, and I really don't know how, we got through it.

The house sold. (Four days!?!?!) The moving company was great. The Man drove out to Oregon with the dog, two cats and an aquatic frog. Without incident. Mom and I flew out with the kids. And our temporary digs (until we find a place to buy) are OK, which was a concern since we took the place sight unseen.

**********

It's been three whole weeks now. We are living in a sea of boxes which our children think is fun---built in climbing gyms throughout the house!! I'm working on job possibilities. Pre-school possibilities. Figuring out the area.

I'm past thinking we've messed up everything. I think we did the right thing for our family in the long run though it truly was one of the toughest things I've had to do.

It's all a new adventure. But boy, do I miss home.

7.08.2014

Three years a family!

Starting our life together. 5/10/2011
(This is a catch-up post. Our family day with Little Man was May 10. I'm only a few months late which is pretty good for me lately!)

*****

Family. Before Little Man came that word only referred to The Man, myself, Gus the wonder dog and our kitties.

But now it's much more. Three years ago our definition of family was revolutionized when a quiet boy was placed in my arms, sitting stiffly in my lap during our taxi ride away from the adoption agency.

I think back to that baby---that stranger who I called my child. I remember how he behaved then, small indicators of his amazing personality that would soon be revealed to us.

How he clung to a bottle and shyly shared his first laugh with us. An open mouthed belly laugh.  It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard.

I remember the guarded look in his eyes. And how he didn't cry. How he kept his feelings bottled inside.

How he babbled and sang when alone in his crib.

And how he watched everything we did very carefully. And then tried to repeat on his own, getting frustrated when he couldn't get the exact same results. He'd try again and again, the absolute definition of determination.

He's still all these things. And of course, so much more. He's a child of extremes and intense emotion. Whatever he's feeling is all consuming for him, (and for those around him as well). He's incredibly physically gifted and one of the most agile children I've seen. He's smart. Sassy (which isn't always a plus). Courageous. Compassionate. Observant. A challenge. A mystery.

He is the leader on this great parenting adventure. Of course, we are the adults, but he is the leader. We follow him through it's twists and turns. Try to figure out how to help him stay on the path. He is forgiving of our mistakes and missteps.

From him we learn more about ourselves---how we react when pushed to our limits; how we need to find more self control; to realize that we really have no control at all; to figure out how to love something and let it go at the same time.

He's a tiny dynamo who inspires me to be a better person, shocks me with his joy for new things, and awes me with his ability to express his emotion completely. He's likely to be my life's greatest challenge and he's definitely my life's greatest adventure.

I can't believe it's only been three years together. And I'm thankful that we are family.

4.26.2014

Korean merchandise & online shopping

(Screen capture of hanboks for sale at http://english.11st.co.kr)
It never fails. No matter how much I prepare for our trips, I come back and realize that I didn't buy something. Or couldn't find something.

In this case, I don't have the traditional hat for either of the boy's hanbok. Which I'm not sure is really a huge deal since they stay on for all of 5-seconds. But still.

So of course, with all the free time that I have (insert eye roll here) I have been obsessed with figuring out where to buy Korean items while outside of Korea. Let me tell you. It ain't easy.

I've rounded up some sites for finding Korean goods and posted them to the handy dandy page (on the left side of the page) called....Korean Products & Cultural Products. Clever name, huh? Here's a few highlights from the list:

Little Seouls: Toys, housewares, hanboks. Based in the U.S.

Arts and Crafts Korea: Lots of really great items here, many that are handmade. Clothing, accessories, household items. Plus, they give adoptive families a lifetime 10% discount.

Koreana Gifts And Art: Don't let the really horrible website deter you. Dig around and you'll find a lot of traditional dolls, knives, clothing and drums. They are based out of Los Angeles.

Yes Asia: Toys, gifts, collectibles and K-Drama!! Lots here. Ships to U.S.

HMart: The go-to place for Korean food items, but they also have plenty of household goods, kitchenware, and other items. Also lots of stores around the U.S. so see if there's one near you.

Please go check it out, and definitely let us know if you've found any other places to shop from.


And, if you didn't know, there's also a handy list of Korean themed items such as jewelry or dolls (but they aren't necessarily Korean-made or traditional) found on the Adoption Gift Ideas & Korea-related Products page. It's also located on the left side rail of this blog. There's quite a few great shops to find that special gift!

3.05.2014

Our Korean Adventure: Traveling in Korea, adoption and other random tidbits

The fourth and final installment catching you up on our first trip to Korea. Figured I'd better get all this in before we our off for our second trip.

We had some awesome experiences that brought Korea nearer and dearer to our hearts. Our Korean school teacher here in Wisconsin had arranged for a dinner for us. SJ is from Seoul and she said a friend of hers would like to make dinner for us. It was sort of awkward for us because we weren't really sure we wanted to commit to spending time with complete strangers. But she really wanted to do this for us, and so we agreed.

Mr. Kang's restaurant was really lovely. It specialized in fusion Japanese-Korean cuisine, mainly seafood. The seating and style is very traditional Korean with floor seating and ondol heating. He was waiting outside when we arrived by taxi and it was only about 5 minutes from our hotel. He gave us a very nice tour, but his English is very rough. We mostly communicated with one or two words and a lot of smiles. The restaurant was closed and he opened it up just for us!

Then SJ's two sisters arrived to join us for the meal, and they had their teen daughters with them. Little Man was starting to feel some of the travel strain so he was a bit of a handful but really, the dinner was one of the highlights of our trip!

The meal was about 5 courses (the food just kept coming!) and because we are vegetarian, he had two different meals---one for our family and food for the other families. One of the sisters spoke pretty good English, and our Korean teacher SJ was translating from Milwaukee via text.

One thing we kept coming back to again and again is the extreme kindness of Koreans. I know we might be biased, but it's just so amazing to us how generous and kind they are. One example is in the subway---it's an amazing system and really easy to use, but our first time back to the subway we were studying the map and trying to remember how to get around. A man saw we looked confused as we were buying our trip ticket. He asked if he could help and consulted the map with us to figure out where we needed to go. He watched as we bought our tickets and then waved us to follow him through the gates and onto the subway. We thought, how nice, he's going the same direction we are.

When we arrived at our stop (about 3 stops down) he popped up and waved at us to follow him out. I thought, wow, he was going the same direction we were! We followed him out of the turnstiles, he watched as we returned our subway card for a refund, and then he pointed to our exit. He waved good-bye and turned back to buy a new subway ticket before running back to the loading ramp. He went so far out of his way for strangers!!

This happened again and again. When we might look lost or in need of help, someone came and offered it. We were so grateful.

Finally, one of the best parts of this trip was meeting other adoptive families. There's something really powerful about being on a similar track together and it builds and instant camaraderie. One of the greatest joys for us was connecting with a family from California. Mama T. reached out to us via our blog and so happy she did! Our families have so much in common! The California family was also returning to Korea for their second child and their first child is Little Man's age. Through the weeks of preparing for travel we were tearing up the email lines, comparing lists of things we were bringing, what we were wearing and trying to figure out logistics like phone and internet service.

Meeting them in person was wonderful and the boys got on well. Little Man was bossy and emotional but their California-cool even-keeled boy took it all in stride. Watching the boys play helped me relax a bit and gave Little Man something to look forward to. It was a great friendship condensed into a few days and I have a good feeling that we'll be in touch for a long time to come.

One particularly great memory will be after the stress of our court date. Following court, we joined the California family to celebrate (and make good on a bribe for the boys to be good in court) with ice cream. As we headed to ice cream shop, we ran into another family we met in court (NY family), so they joined us too. We had the shop to ourselves for quite a while and the boys ran wild. We huddled in a corner and talked openly and candidly about our adoptions, thoughts, hopes and fears. (The NY family has since been united with their son and doing great! Yay!!) I just love how we can come from all corners of the country, all different backgrounds and experiences, and yet, hanging out with them was so easy and natural.

We also met the families of two women I have met through my Facebook support group who were traveling at the same time! In that group, we cheer for one another at each tiny step of the way. When the three of us found out that we'd be traveling at the same time, we were able to compare information, figure out hotels, and figure out the logistics of our trip together. What a help! One super sweet family even met us at the bus stop to guide us to our hotel and help carry luggage. Incredibly awesome! And, since we'll all be bringing kids home at the same time, I know that we'll be able to continue to support one another as we work through the transitions together.

3.03.2014

The crazy ups and downs of adoption: we have a visa appointment in Korea!

Oh my gosh. There really aren't enough words to tell you how different this adoption process is from the first! The only words I can use to really describe it is ROLLER COASTER.

This whole adoption has been filled with long waits, breathless anticipation, feeling like you aren't making progress at all, only to be catapulted forward and have things move so quickly you can hardly catch your breath.

On Wednesday, our social worker emailed (?!) and told us the good news was that we had received preliminary approval from the courts in Korea on 2/7/14 and had officially entered the 14-day waiting period. Yay!

She then followed it with the bad news---the courts had closed and were not processing final adoption decrees or hearing any new cases. The closure was for an unspecified amount of time but we were now on hold, likely not traveling until the middle or end of March.

We were sick. We have spent the past two months living with the unsettling feeling that "any minute now" we'd find out about something--first waiting for our court appearance and now waiting for our return. It's been hard to settle and relax when all we could think about was when are we going?  And now, when it seemed that we'd be heading out the door any day, we find out that we still had weeks to wait.

My parents had already begun the 5-day drive to reach Wisconsin. Based on estimates, we figured that our case would be closing on February 24. Of course, no guarantees, but because most families are only given 2-4 days notice before having to return to Korea, we opted to play it safe and have them here. The new timeline meant that they'd be hanging out in Milwaukee, able to enjoy all it's Polar Vortex gloriousness. I called my folks and told them not to hurry.

I cried that night. Felt the lowest I've been throughout this whole 18-month process. I moped around and then slowly started trying to find the bright side of things. We'd have more time to prepare. Maybe Mom and I could sew some curtains for the boys room. I started making lists to help keep me busy for the next few weeks.

And then, we received a huge reminder just how crazy this whole process is. On Thursday, The Man started calling and texting me. CALL ME!! Less than 24-hours after we were told we weren't traveling,  we received another email (really, isn't there a better way to notify us than email?!) telling us that we had a visa appointment in Korea and we needed to be there next week.

WHAT?!! Seriously??

Of course, the social worker didn't tell us exactly when our visa appointment date was or when we had to be there and we frantically tried calling her. After 30-minutes of busy signals, someone finally answered and told us that our social worker had sent the same email to 7 families and we were all calling. Duh. Not like we've been waiting months on end for this or anything.

I reached out to other families who had court dates the same date as us. Two of them had received the same info on Wednesday, followed by the same shocking announcement on Thursday! One family has a March 6 visa appointment, and the other has a March 10 appointment.

About 4 hours after the email, we had answers. As of February 26, we were officially Little Brother's parents! In addition, we have a March 11 visa appointment and so, need to be in Korea next week. We had a little more notice than some of the families, which is greatly appreciated. But it's definitely not the 2-week notice that our social worker had told us that "every one of their families had been getting". (Thank goodness again, for our networking group. I knew that most families have only received 2-4 days notice, so was fairly sure our social worker was mistaken.)

What was really awesome is that my folks pulled into town just hours after we got all the great news! So....it worked out just great. Thank heavens! We've had a wonderful few days together. Time to wrap up work. Time to take care of details that will make life after we return a little easier. And possibly, a little time to breathe!

We head to Chicago on Wednesday. Fly to Seoul on Thursday morning. Arrive on Friday night. A few days to recover and we'll take custody of him either Monday or Tuesday. And Tuesday afternoon, a visa hearing.

Can't wait to start the next phase of our life. And so very happy to be getting off this roller coaster! We are coming, Little Brother!!

2.17.2014

Our Korean adventure, part I: Meeting our son

Eek. Back a week and haven't posted yet! I blame jet lag. Here's the details!

Monday was the big day...time to meet Little Brother! We arrived early but our foster mother was earlier. When we walked in, there he was! At least we thought it was him. In our photos he was sporting a 90s rock star hair cut, but this tiny person was wearing ruffles and a Dorothy Hamil hairstyle. Then he turned and I saw those cheeks and knew it was him.

It was sort of a shock seeing him in person. Totally surreal. For our first meeting, we met him at the agency which I have to say I didn't like. (We met Little Man at his foster home the first time. Much more personal and the baby seems much more comfortable.) The agency was overflowing with visiting families. There were at least 4 there at the same time as us and both the playrooms were full, so we just played with him in the corner in the seating area. One family was actually meeting & playing with their child in the hallway!

Little Man was really great with Little Brother and gave him a toy giraffe we had brought him. He also offered him a mini M&M, which of course, Little Brother spit out and trailed a blue streak down his cheek and shirt. Foster mother gave us a dirty look and scolded Little Man in Korean. We weren't off to a good start.

Our social worker was running between all the families so we weren't able to communicate at all with the foster mother. And then, when the playroom opened up, they told us we could go in and have "family time", which meant they handed Little Brother to us and said if he cried they would return.

Foster mother left and of course, it took Little Brother all of 30 seconds to start sobbing. Unfortunately that set the tone for the rest of the visit and after foster mom came back in, Little Brother wouldn't leave her side. We worked really hard to try and play with him, but he's deeply connected to foster mother and just wasn't interested.

At the end of our visit we finally got him to briefly interact with us. He has a funny little laugh and hides his face when he smiles. He sits with his legs spread wide open, nearly in splits, and loves slapping them open and closed very fast, tossing anything that might be between them. He is incredibly strong although not really big. He's running about two pounds heavier than Little Man did at his age. But Little Brother's head is as big as Little Man's head is right now! Lots of brains, I hope.

His favorite pastime seems to be throwing. Anything and everything. If you give him something, it's a sure bet that he will toss it. And he can throw really far! I watched foster mother get clocked in the head at least 4 times with a block. Bless her heart, she never even flinched.

Little Man did pretty well at trying to play with his brother. He'd go up and try to tickle Little Brother, or take a toy to him. Trying to concentrate on Little Brother was a bit tough with our oldest in the room. Little Man did need some extra attention and by the end of the visit, he kept getting into things we had asked him not to, and turning the volume up on one toy really loud. But overall, I thought he handled it beautifully.

At the end of our first visit, I felt OK. It wasn't a great visit, but also wasn't horrible.

Our second visit was much the same. Foster family lives about 40 minutes outside of Seoul so it was a drive to get there. Little Brother and foster mom were definitely more relaxed at their home. We got a few more smiles out of him, but he's a tough character. Just when he started to show interest, he'd quickly turn towards foster mom and turn his back to us. I held him a few times, briefly. Once when the foster mother left the room and I tried to console him. And a second time when we attempted a family photo. Neither time went well for us.

We did see more of his personality. He is shy, curious, and determined. When there is something he wants, he has a singular focus. He's very engaged with his foster mom and it's obvious that the two have a very strong bond. He loves musical toys or anything that blinks, but is such a strong kid that he's broken all of the toys by throwing them! And he's a crazy baby when food is present. The foster mom was holding him with one arm around his waist and shoving food in his mouth with the other. She could hardly get it in fast enough. It was like trying to hand feed a hyena. I couldn't stop laughing as I watched the craziness. I did hold him on my lap for a few minutes while the foster mom tried to jam food into his mouth. He let me feed him a few bites too. He's a great eater but he doesn't like bananas.

He still isn't walking, but he did pull himself up to standing very quickly and easily. We saw him stand alone for a bit, but he's not ready to walk around yet. But he can army crawl lightning fast!

The boys did interact very sweetly at the end of the visit. Little Brother was on his foster mother's back, and Little Man asked to get up on The Man's back. The adults stood side by side and the boys leaned over and laughed in each others faces which was incredibly cute and sweet. A vision of what they'll be like in a few months!

The visit ended quickly, as they all seem to do. Never enough time! Little Man shyly whispered to The Man that he wanted to hug his brother good-bye. Very sweet. Little Brother wasn't exactly sure he wanted to be hugged, but Little Man was undeterred. He then gave him a kiss on the head. Very kind and gentle. So proud of our big boy!

I kissed those chunky cheeks a few more times and got a few smiles. And then we were off.

I can't tell you how hard it was to leave. It's a strange feeling to meet your child and then leave without him. So much different than Little Man's adoption process.

I was also really bummed because I didn't feel like we had gained much ground with Little Brother and felt very anxious for days. Although we only met Little Man once before we took custody, we had such great interactions with him right from the start that it was easy to feel positive during those times of fear and doubt about becoming a parent. With Little Brother, he's much more reserved and cautious. I worry about how our transition will be and know that his expressions of grief are going to be much more obvious and greater than Little Man's were.

As we left, The Man smiled with tears in his eyes and said he knew that everything was going to be OK. I wish I left feeling as confident. All those ugly thoughts about your weaknesses as a parent started rearing their heads. I know that most parents have this experience at one time or another when bringing a child home, adopted or biological. I guess that I'm glad I'm worried. Glad I'm fearful. That means I'm aware of the challenges ahead of us. If I went into it clueless and feeling that it was going to be easy, I'd likely have a shock.

Fortunately, we have many friends who have been through this, and many relay stories about their children that are much more similar to our interaction with Little Brother than to Little Man's. I know that we'll come through the other side one day at a time. Heck, more likely it will be one moment at a time.

I thought it would be much less daunting since we had done it once before. But now, it seems so much harder than the first time. Maybe because we know just how hard it is to watch a child be scared and grieve. Oh, my heart breaks already.

Stay tuned for more about our trip!

12.30.2013

On pins and needles

People often ask "how was the adoption process"? For us, our adoption processes have been very different, but there were some prevailing things that we have experienced with both.

Hopefulness: Our first meeting with an adoption agency was incredibly exciting. It was our first step out into the wide world of adoption and the biggest thing I felt at that time was hopefullness and being a bit overwhelmed. It was hard to figure out which path was *right* for our family. As a person who is obsessed with doing things *right* or *wrong*, it took me a while to understand that becoming a family wasn't something you achieved by making a series of perfect decisions. We had many long conversations about race, culture and how we envisioned adoption would be incorporated into the thread of our family.

Determination: The home study phase was filled with determination and industriousness.There was the hunting and gathering of lots of necessary paperwork to complete the study. What an immense feeling of satisfaction as we slowly checked off things on that list! There were also many more deep conversations about how we saw our future as an adoptive family, and those nerve-wracking home study visits!! We were so terrified that our social worker would see some flaw that would eliminate us from the program. When I look back at this time I see that we just kept our noses to the grindstone and slowly moved through it.

Impatience: After the flurry of the home study process, this next phase is really slow and probably one of the hardest parts. We were ready for something to happen. Anything! We waited for our home study to be sent to Korea, then for a referral. Lots of waiting.

Helplessness: As the wait continues, I spent months feeling helpless. Everything about this process is out of your control.

Complete joy: Is there anything as wonderful as seeing the face of your child for the first time? The awe and amazement you feel to gaze upon their perfect features? We rode the high of our referral for weeks. There is a new flurry of activity that keeps you busy---accepting the referral, telling family, beginning to make preparations.

Impatience and helplessness: See above. The waiting here is worse than before, because now you know who you are waiting for. And that they are growing and learning each day.

Now we have entered one of the last stages.....

Pins and needles: This strange anticipation that fills my each waking moment. Little Brother walks with me like an invisible partner throughout the day. I feel like I can reach out and touch him at times. But then I remember just how far away he really is and what steps are left to bring him home.

Countless times a day, we check our email hoping for notification of a court date in Korea. One family in my waiting group just got notification of their court date---Jan. 27! They were submitted to court just one day ahead of us.

A second family announced today that they have a court date, and they were submitted a day after us.

AND...another family with our same agency, who has had the EXACT SAME DATES as us throughout the entire process, JUST GOT THEIR COURT DATE!! Feb. 4!!

So you see, this really can happen at any freaking minute. Yikes! My stomach flops just thinking about it. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed that it happens this week, because I'm not sure I can deal with the pins and needles phase one more minute longer!

*

Back to "what was the process like" question. If I could give one bit of advice to potential adoptive families, I would share with them that yes, the process can be challenging. It's easy to just focus on that part, because there's some deep down belief that once the child is home, you will feel complete.

But I'd encourage families to really try to understand more about "what's it like after they come home?" For us, that's when the really hard work began. All the emotions that we experienced---hopefulness, determination, impatience, helplessness, complete joy---we continued to experience at a much more intense level after Little Man came home.

There will be time to deal with that soon enough. Right now, enjoying the excitement and joy we feel that soon, Little Brother is coming home!!




12.17.2013

Adoption process: Hard to wait

© Cheese Curds and Kimchi

"Hard to wait," pouts Little Man. "I wish Baby E was here," he says.

I can only nod as he says this, placing a special ornament on the Christmas tree that we just received for Baby Brother. I'm afraid if I try to answer, I'll burst into tears.

It's definitely hard to wait.

I've officially reached the crazy point. Everyone reaches it at a different time. We've been waiting and hoping for 15-months now. But it's these past 3-months that have been driving me slowly to the edge.

When our EP (emigration permit) was submitted to the Korean Ministry of Health and Welfare, a new director had taken over the agency and EPs were flying out in 4-6 weeks. We were submitted quickly and were flying high on the swift wings of our process. But that feeling has slowly waned as the weeks went by. This week is the 14th week we have been waiting for EP approval.

I'm in a group of about 200 families who are currently in process and we celebrate one another's victories along the journey. A home study completed, a referral, a travel call. It's a way to stay hopeful and know that eventually others will celebrate our good news.

The downside to sharing so much information is knowing that other families processes are moving while we feel ours has stalled. Other families with the same EP submission dates as ours have already been approved. Another family's EP was submitted an entire month later us and was just approved in 24 days, and yet another with similar dates has already received a travel call!

I am so thrilled for these families and moms. Really, I am. Because each of those stories means that another child will soon know the security of being in a family.

But I have to acknowledge that sharp pang of anxiousness.

A little jealousy. OK. Sometimes a lot.

And mostly, the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

I don't do helpless very well.

So we are taking things one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

When I feel that fluttering in my stomach and my eyes fill with tears, I take a deep breath and hold fast to the belief that our time is coming. I picture his face and hope he knows how much he is loved. I hope he is being showered with love and kindness as we wait to be together.

I tell myself that when we hold our son and finally bring him home, the heartsick feeling of longing will be forgotten. One day I'll remember this difficult time, but through the softer, foggier lens of life.

I also remind myself that as I experience these feelings while waiting Little Brother to come home, he will likely feel as much loss, longing and sadness when he leaves his foster family in Korea. Which makes my heart hurt even more.

Better to dream about our family's future. I picture us together years from now. Two brothers wrestling with Daddy in the back yard. Beautiful little boys laughing as they explore the woods together. Bunk beds. Bedtime snuggles with a child in each arm.

These thoughts make it a little easier to keep going.

Because boy, is it ever hard to wait.

***
Please keep the waiting children and families in your heart this holiday season. It really does help!

Also, the ornament seen in the photo was purchased to support the Gift-of-identity.org, a fund to support international adoptees visit the country of their birth. Grants are available to adoptees so that they may travel and explore their native culture and heritage.

 

6.11.2013

USCIS text alert and case status program: Part 2

Remember that USCIS case status/text alert program I thought would be super helpful? Well, not so much.

It was a great idea, but I have to give the system a big fat 'F'. A few weeks ago we received our COC (yay!) via certified mail which means the last official paperwork step of Little Man's adoption is complete. (Still a few more to go but they aren't required at all.)

We got our paperwork but never received a text message. So I logged into the system and it still shows our status as under "initial review"!

Ha! Guess the systems has some kinks to be worked out.

But the upshot is that we finally have Little Man's official citizenship papers! We sent out for his updated birth certificate that shows his citizenship status. Hope to have that shortly.

Also, filed our G-884 (return of original documents). Very excited to see what that will bring, but boy, filling out the form was a bit confusing! I'll do a post on that later.

6.04.2013

South Korea adoptions and the Hague Convention

OK. Get ready for a very insider-baseball long and rambling post here. If you aren't an active watcher of what's happening with the Korea adoption program, this probably won't be of interest to you.

So, last week there was a small news story. South Korea signed the Hague treaty. Here's a short news brief about it.

It's really quite a shock. There has been pressure from anti-adoption groups to ratify Hague in Korea, but there hadn't been much public discussion about it. So the sudden signing is quite surprising and leaves many wondering what other changes are in store.

Right now most agencies have no idea what this new change will mean or how it will be implemented. But I thought it would be good to learn a little more about Hague to see how it might impact the process for families.

An overview of the Hague Convention: 

From the State Dept. website:

  • It requires that countries who are party to the Convention establish a Central Authority to be the authoritative source of information and point of contact in that country. The Department of State is the U.S. Central Authority for the Convention.
  • It aims to prevent the abduction, sale of, or traffic in children, and it works to ensure that intercountry adoptions are in the best interests of children.
  • It recognizes intercountry adoption as a means of offering the advantage of a permanent home to a child when a suitable family has not been found in the child's country of origin. It enables intercountry adoption to take place when:
    1. The child has been deemed eligible for adoption by the child's country of birth; and
    2. Proper effort has been given to the child's adoption in its country of origin.
  • It provides a formal international and intergovernmental recognition of intercountry adoption, working to ensure that adoptions under the Convention will generally be recognized and given effect in other party countries.
There's nothing in there that is disagreeable. It's all really important stuff to keep kids safe.

Program differences

Major differences between Hague and non-Hague processes are based on how children are classified as orphans. The actual definition of what an orphan is and the child's eligibility to be adopted determines what type of visa they are eligible for, and whether the child will be adopted in the U.S. or in the child's birth country.

Visas: 

Currently Korean adoptees exit with an IR-4 visa. According to Adoption.com "With the IR-4 visa, the foreign adoption does not meet the federal U.S. equivalent requirements of severing biological parent(s) ties and/or ensuring that both the adoptive parents and child have the same rights, responsibilities, and privileges." This means that the adoption must be completed in the U.S. This visa is also issued for families who have not spent time with the child prior to exiting the country.

Under Hague, adoptees would be issued an IR-3 visa. This visa is issued when families have seen the child prior to the adoption, the relinquishment background of the child is thoroughly vetted, and the adoption is completed in the birth country. Children do not need to be re-adopted in the U.S., but they probably would have to go through a court procedure to change names, and many families opt to complete the certificate of citizenship.

USCIS:

This is where it can get a bit challenging on the paperwork end of things. Currently, for the Korea program adoptive parents file a I-600A and later an I-600. This isn't too tough. A fingerprint visit, and some paperwork. This paperwork can be filed concurrently, and is processed before the child is known to the adoptive parents. The I-600A is valid 18-months from the time of approval and can only be extended once.

The I-800A and I-800 must be approved in order. The I-800A is filed only after the child has been referred to the family, and they may not gain custody until the I-800 is conditionally approved. The I-800A is valid 15-months from date of approval with one free extension, with additional extensions costing $340.

Parent Education:

Hague countries require an additional 10 hours of parent education, over and above the education hours required for the home study.

Why the push for Hague:

The convention addresses some of the huge complaints that adoption revision groups in Korea have had about the international adoption program. Korea has been one of the top sending countries year after year and has had a reputation of running a very clean program. But there have been allegations of unclear record keeping or vague relinquishment approvals, or outright aggressive tactics by adoption centers.
 Allegedly the reason Korea has not joined the "Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption is because Korea holds reservations regarding paragraph (a) of article 21 of the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child." This info is from a PBS story by documentary film maker Jane Jeong Trenka, who is an outspoken anti-international adoption advocate. She didn't cite where she got this info, so it's hard to weigh it's validity.

That paragraph reads:
"(a) Ensure that the adoption of a child is authorized only by competent authorities who determine, in accordance with applicable law and procedures and on the basis of all pertinent and reliable information, that the adoption is permissible in view of the child's status concerning parents, relatives and legal guardians and that, if required, the persons concerned have given their informed consent to the adoption on the basis of such counselling as may be necessary;"

Certainly, the recent approach in contacting birth mothers to verify their relinquishment of the child before the completion of an adoption seems to address this point.

The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child stated South Korea does not keep adequate record There have also been complaints about adoptee access to birth records, unclear relinquishments, orphanage kidnapping, poor record keeping, poor post-adoption services, and identity swaps. Because of the strict rules that Hague sets forth in identifying who is eligible to be adopted, many of these concerns would be given more careful scrutiny.

Hague also puts a much stronger emphasis on trying to place children in need, first with family members, next, within their country of origin, and thirdly, given the option of international adoption. This is Korea's general policy now, but it will be more formally approached.

What does this all mean for families in process now? 

Well, that's the million dollar question.

I had a long chat with my local social worker (who is freaking amazing!) and since she works with both Hague and non-Hague international adoptions, and has worked on programs who have ratified the treaty, she had a little insight.

In other programs, families who had their homestudies already in country were grandfathered in. If Korea operates as other countries have done (which is a big IF), this means the home studies that are already in Korea will not have to be reprocessed using Hague regulations.

If a I-600a is already on file and approved, then USCIS will not require an I-800 to be filed. The I-600s can be extended but when the limit of extensions has been used up, the I-600 will have to be converted to an I-800. According to our social worker, this is a terribly messy and time-consuming endeavor. A background check must be done on every person in the household who is over 18, in every state/city they have lived in. Ick.

This is all the information I've been able to gather about what the ratification might mean for those of us in process. If anyone else has more to add, please comment!

The positive:

I think there is a lot of positives about Korea signing Hague, for all parties involved. For sure, it's aim is to ensure that the international adoptions are ethical and are accountable. Of course, no system is foolproof, but it's always good to have these systems in place to protect the children.

There are a few other benefits:

*The convention requires sending countries to provide adopting parents with comprehensive information regarding medical records and translations of them. Korea has historically had some of the best medical records for IA, but this is another opportunity to ensure transparency.

*Sending countries must certify that birth parents made the choice to relinquish free of undue influence.

*Background and adoption records must now be kept for a minimum of 75 years. Allegedly, many adoptees have complained that Korea does not have adequate record keeping, or in some cases, has been outright unlawful. Adoptees can request their files after 13/15/18 years old (depending on agency) and many have been told they were lost, burned in a fire, or other stories. On occasion, stories like those are covering up deceit or illegal activities where the adoption was concerned. The more transparency, the better.

*The definition of what child is adoptable is different with Hague. A child with two known birth parents who are unable to care for the child, can now be considered eligible (vs. single surviving birth parent who cannot care for him). According to an Adoptive Families article, "One advantage to this new definition is that birth mothers relinquishing children for adoption into the U.S. may no longer feel they have to lie about the existence of a father, allowing adopting families access to more accurate information."

*Adopters will have access to national databases with information about their agencies and complaints about them. This gives us the power to make more informed decisions about who we are working with and what type of service we can anticipate. I'm not sure if this includes the Korean agencies or not.

So, as with everything in the Korea program, it's a watch and wait situation. Sending lots of love and support to families who are dealing with all this right now!




5.29.2013

Adoption Books For Kids: Katie-Bo: An Adoption Story

Katie-Bo: An Adoption Story by Iris L. Fisher


This story is about a family with biological children who are adopting a child from Korea. The story
is told in the voice of a young child as they experience the adoption process, from beginning to end.

I think this book is a good basic introduction about adoption. It would be particularly helpful for families who have biological children first, and are expanding their family through adoption. Because of the detail about the entire process, it might also be of interest to adoptees to better understand more about their adoption story.

The story begins with the fact that having a baby through adoption means mom's tummy won't grow, and explains, in a way that kids can understand, about what adoption means.

Here's a sample:

"Of course, our baby is growing in a mommy's tummy but not our mommy's tummy. Dad says that some women who love their babies very much can't always take care of them. Our Mom says that it's because the lady loves her baby so much that she goes to an adoption agency. That's a place where special people called social workers look for a happy family like ours to love and care for the baby sister."

I bristled at the "...lady loves her baby" line (because I don't believe you should sugar coat things that you don't know whether are true or not when it comes to the facts about your child's adoption) but I can forgive that small detail---I think it gives you an opportunity to discuss the many possible reasons that people choose relinquishment.

The book also details the family's experiences with the social worker, racial differences between caucasian and asians, and different cultural aspects (such as eating with chopsticks), all in simple ways that kids would understand.

I thought one of the most interesting things in the book was how it addressed some of the feelings that the other children might have, such as sensing their parent's stress and feeling threatened by the new baby that is about to come into the home. It also does a great job of getting children excited about welcoming a new sibling through adoption and embracing that the unknown of having a sibling arrive in this manner can be a bit scary for them.

The only part of the book that I didn't enjoy were the illustrations. I just didn't like the illustrative style (looks like paper cut outs) and didn't feel it was engaging for children.

A few of the concepts were above Little Man's age now (2 1/2), but they were brief enough that he didn't get bored and lose interest. Those same "big picture" concepts would be of interest to older kids, so this book would work for a broader array of ages, from maybe 4-7.

It's not a book that we'll be adding to our collection, but it's worth checking out from the library.





5.19.2013

Adoption Books For Kids: We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo


We adopted you, Benjamin Koo by Linda Walvoord Girard


Wow. I love this book! It got everything just right. We are definitely adding it to our collection!

The story is told by a nine-year-old Korean adoptee named Benjamin. He talks about a lot of the aspects of adoption that are challenging for adopted kids such as not knowing why you were placed for adoption, what your birth family was like, and trying to figure out how you fit in to your new family. It also acknowledges issues specific to IA kids such as looking different than your family, integrating birth country culture/rituals, and being teased about your appearance.

The story is direct and straightforward. It's written simply and in a language that kids will connect to. It provides a lot of great topics for parents to discuss with kids, and ways that kids can learn to handle big feelings. Here's an example:

"I began to feel angry because other kids knew their biological families, and I never would. One time, when my mom made me obey a rule, I got mad. "I'm leaving!" I shouted. "I'm going back to Korea! I'll find my real mother, and she'll be nice to me!"

My mom stayed calm. "You have a real mom, and that's me," she said. "I know you're upset, but you have to mind my rules."

I started to run away. I really did. Then I realized I'd get to the end of the sidewalk, and I wouldn't know which way Korea was!

That night Dad hugged me and said he was glad I had decided to stay. But I still felt like I was on the sidewalk, not sure where to turn."

Another great example shows how the book can help kids deal with the outside world. I thought this part of the book would be super helpful in the future, although it's really heartbreaking to think that Little Man will be teased like this one day. I sort of hate introducing kids to the idea of racial slurs though. But realistically, I know a situation like this will probably happen and this story helps us prepare him to handle it:

"I do have one problem. It's the kids at school. Fourth grade can be tough. A few kids call me "Chink" when they tease. Some people don't want to know anything about me. They just think I'm from Afghanistan or Hawaii or Timbuktu.

"I don't like him," I heard a girl say. "He's Japanese."

"Yeah, but watch out---he probably knows karate," said the other kid.

I don't know karate, and I'm not Japanese. It hurts when kids tease me or talk about me like I"m an alien from the moon.

I can answer the teasers with a fact: I'm an American. Or else I can be friendly and say, "I was born in Korea. Where were you born?" Sometimes my best bet is to ignore people when they're being mean. And I've learned to concentrate on my good friends, the kids who like me the way I am."

As for the illustrations, they are fine. Appropriate for the older audience which is exactly who this book is directed at.

Right now, this book is WAY over Little Man's age, 2 1/2. But I think maybe about 4-5 years old he'll be at the right age to start reading it, even if he doesn't fully understand everything in it.




5.13.2013

N-600: Citizenship for International Adoption & the USCIS text alert program

We are still on the hunt for our Certificate of Citizenship for Little Man. We sent the application in months ago and this week complied with the request to send in his green card (boy that was hard to give it up). Hope that means USCIS is getting close to completing the process and Little Man's citizenship will be completed!

For those of you playing at home with your international adoption, I figured out a handy feature that U.S. Citizenship and Immigrations Services has on their website to allow you to see where in the N-600 process your paperwork is.

After you have submitted the N-600, check updates on your case's status, go to: https://egov.uscis.gov/cris/Dashboard.do

Enter the receipt number that you will find on the I-797C, which should have been sent to you after the N-600 was received. Type it in, hit check status, and you can see easily what's going on with your case.

One thing that I've found super helpful is to register with USCIS (free) and create a customer account. They only need basic information to do this. You'll find the link on the left hand side of the page, "Sign up for case updates" (or just CLICK HERE).

Once you have created an account, you can click the link "add a case to your portfolio" at the bottom of the page. Enter the same receipt number and you will be able to log in easily and access the information.

But the coolest reason to do this is that USCIS now has an email and text alert program that will notify you of any updates with your case. The text alert program is a pilot one, and there might be text messaging fees based on your phone plan.

Certainly a nice feature by USCIS though, so us obsessive types don't have to keep logging in repeatedly. Not sure if you can also add other cases currently in the USCIS system to the same alert system. Someone try it out and let me know!

*******

UPDATE:  Well, it was a great idea, but I have to give the system a big fat 'F'. When I log in our status still says "initial review" which is the same thing it has said for months. Last week we received our COC via certified mail which means our process is complete. We never received a text message nor has our status ever changed from "initial review". Bummer. Maybe the system works better if you are processing something other than a COC?

2.27.2013

Travel Requirements for Korean adoptions: The Latest Sad News

Snow Day.

We're at home today because of the snow. Which is good. Because I couldn't sleep a bit last night. And I keep crying.

The latest news from the Korea adoption from broke on the MPAK blog last night. Read the post HERE. For many families who are waiting, this news will end their journey to adopt from Korea. To summarize, the blog says that families will have an appearance in Korean courts, where both adoptive parents must be present. Once the judge determines if the suitability of the parents, then there will be a 14-day waiting period during which the birth mother can end the process if she chooses to parent. If the birth mother does not come forward, then the adoption can continue.

If it's true, it's devastating. The author of the blog has been staying on top of the changing rules and processes since the new law went into effect last year. It's' probably an accurate summary of the situation as it currently exists, or at least fairly close.

So, obviously this is a huge change in the process but as an AP, the birth mother provision is the scariest part. Keep in mind, that the birth mothers already waited out the 7-days after birth before being allowed to consent to adoption, and had another five-month waiting period in before children are eligible for international adoption. By the time the courts see the cases, these children are already 1-1 1/2 years old. While I'm all for giving the birth mothers ample time to change their minds (after all this is a HUGE decision), couldn't the waiting period be completed before the adoptive parents have went through all the hoops and expenses, are in Korea and are about to bring home their baby?

There are many families left on the 2012 quota who are awaiting travel. They have been on hold several months as the courts reviewed documents and became familiar with adoption procedures. Now these same families are facing extra thousands of dollars in expenses at the last minute as they are told they must extend their stay in country from a week to 3-4. And the fact that both parents must now appear in court...another unexpected challenge for some.

That aside, I'm most concerned by the added strain on children, both for the child to be adopted and other children in the adoptive family. The extra court processes and waiting times will likely mean that the children who are being adopted will be coming home much older. That is harder on the children since they have spent more time in their foster families. Plus the extra weeks families must stay in Korea may affect the amount of time they will have once they return stateside, to bond and help their child adjust to their new home before the parents must return to work.

For children already in the family, they face being without both parents for 3-4 weeks. Obviously a huge obstacle and could make the initial relationship with a new sibling much more challenging. If they travel to Korea with their parents, it's a long journey, weeks away from the comfort of home. If the children are school aged, that may not even be a possibility. And what about for special needs families?

The international adoption program helps provide homes to many Korean children who were not adopted domestically. If the number of IA goes down due to this extreme new set of rules, where will these children go? The domestic adoption numbers have not increased enough to provide homes for them. They are in foster homes now as they await IA, but those are not forever homes. And each agency only has so many foster homes. So, if these children are not adopted will they will be moved into orphanages?

It's always a delicate balancing act to protect the rights of the birth parents. But what about the rights of these children to be able to have a forever home quickly?

The first 2012 cases are scheduled to move into the Korean court systems in April. I hope this latest MPAK post isn't true, or at the very least, the rules are not set in stone. Just hate to see the system end up punishing children and the families who desperately want to provide for them.

And of course, the most important thing is to remember that this is just all conjecture at this point. Not a single agency (that I can find) has reported any of this information to their clients. Until we hear it from them, it's not official.

2.22.2013

Endless adoption paperwork: COC, G-884 and G-639

Adoption is many things, including boatloads of paperwork. Of course, the bulk of it was done in the home study phase, and then again at the referral phase, but the paperwork doesn't stop once the little squirts arrive. We have a giant expandable file that resembles George's wallet on Seinfeld. We can't close it anymore and it's bursting at the seams.

A year and a half since Little Man came home, we are still chasing the final bits of the paperwork. Here's the things still on the list (and links for others who are doing the same stuff):

Certificate of Citizenship (COC): Little Man became a legal citizen when we completed our adoption, six-months after he arrived in the US. For US born folks, a birth certificate is proof of citizenship. But since Little Man's birth certificate shows his birthplace in South Korea, his bc isn't proof. So, we have to file for his COC to help him prove his citizenship, necessary to get a passport, work in government, etc. We finally got our COC shipped out a few weeks ago. 24-more pages of stuff to file!

Amended Birth Certificate: In Wisconsin, we can reapply for a state amended birth certificate which will have Little Man's citizenship status included on the certificate.

***

There are a few additional filings that we will be doing once we have our COC. These aren't required in any way at all, but I think it's important to try and get ahold of everything pertaining to Little Man's adoption/process. He might want this information in the future, and you never know what tidbits might be included in these requests.

G-884: When we traveled home with Little Man from Korea, we were handed a giant sealed envelope that we handed over at immigration at the airport? I was dying to read through it all, but we couldn't break the seal. Now I can finally satisfy my curiosity. With the G-884 you can get those original documents! I'm excited to see if there is anything that we didn't have in our files already. Many APs have found things in there such as photos of birth parents, visa applications/photos and original health records. You should have completed the COC before you file the G-884.

As with all these forms, they can be confusing. Here's some tips I've picked up (which are untested by me, as of yet):
  • under the 'information about you' heading, put your information
  • in the 'data for identification on personal record' put your child's information
  • under type of entry, put 'immigration'
  • port of entry is the city where you went through customs
  • specifically ask for "all records and photos pertaining to the adoption of XXX" 
  • the form has to be notarized before you send it to USCIS
  • send it to the office that processed the COC (be sure to keep the envelope that the COC came in!
(Like all things adoption-paperwork related, you'll find conflicting information. The Legal-Eaze site states "...you should first wait until the documents are transferred to the local USCIS processing center (usually takes about 6 months from the date of immigration).  Then complete Form G-884 (Return of Original Documents and instructions) and mail it to your local USCIS Office." So, not sure if that means 6-months from the date they entered the country, or 6-months from the date of the COC. Argh...so confusing! If anyone knows the answer to this riddle, please chime in. We are erring on the side of doing the form after the COC returns.)


G-639 (Freedom of Information Act): Out of all of the paperwork we are filing, this will be it (as far as I know) and it's the one I'm most excited about. From the few people I've heard of who have completed this, it has been a treasure trove of paperwork. But believe me, I'm getting really tired of filing paperwork and it's exponentially more difficult now with a two-year old to chase around. Seems like the pile of paperwork sits on my desk for a very long time before I actually get it done. But again, this is about amassing every detail I can for Little Man, so it's really all worth it.

I do know that this one must be filed last, after the G-884.

How's your paper chasing going??


****UPDATE: For results of our G-884 filing, read this post: http://curdsandkimchi.blogspot.com/2013/08/g-884-ongoing-adoption-paperwork.html


USCIS Adoption Forms link: http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/menuitem.eb1d4c2a3e5b9ac89243c6a7543f6d1a/?vgnextoid=c88fd1eb6dc43210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD&vgnextchannel=c88fd1eb6dc43210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD#

Post Adoption Paperwork (Adoptive Families Magazine): http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/pdf/PostAdoptPaperwork.pdf

Legal-Eaze: Awesome site with helpful information (written in plain language) on filing citizenship, and showing completed G-884,


 


1.25.2013

My two cents: Chicago couple battling to adopt South Korean baby

I just read a Chicago Tribune story about a legal battle over a 7-month-old baby girl taken out of Korea illegally. The situation is upsetting, but I find that the people I'm most upset with are the people who want to be her adoptive parents.

Here's the recap:

Jinshil and Christopher Duquet wanted to expand their family through adoption. They already have one daughter, age 10, whom they had adopted from South Korea. Jinshil is South Korean, having moved to the US when she was a child. They attempted to adopt another child in 2011 but learned that they had aged out of the program. Jinshil, 49, and her husband, 55, far surpass the 45 year old age limit for Korean adoptions.

According to the Duquets, they were contacted by a family member of Jinshil's in Korea, who knew of an unwed mother living at a shelter for pregnant women who was searching for an adoptive family. They made an arrangement and Jinshil flew to Korea, waited for the baby's birth, took custody and brought the baby to the US when she was just a few weeks old. According to the family, they worked through a South Korean lawyer to facilitate this "adoption" and have documentation from the child's birth mother and grandmother relinquishing custody.

Upon arrival to the US, they were detained at the airport because the baby did not have the proper documentation for adoption. They appeared in the US courts and the baby was removed from their care due to lack of the proper immigration documents. They filed a court suit, were named guardians and regained custody while this debate over immigration is being dealt with. South Korea says they took the baby illegally and demands the child be surrendered back to South Korea.

Here's why this story bothers me...

* There are rules people. And the rules are set forth by the country of origin. You may not agree with these rules, but that's the way it is. South Korea has deemed that children placed for adoption must have the opportunity to be adopted in Korea first. No child is placed for international adoption until the age of 5-months to allow for the possibility that they may remain in their birth country. This child did not have that opportunity.

* The Duquets have completed an international adoption from Korea before. Anyone who is in this program knows all adoptions are facilitated from the three state sanctioned programs. It can be a complicated and cumbersome system at times, but out of the 40 years Korea has been doing IA, their program has been steady and solid. While no system is foolproof, this system seems to work well in preventing/controlling fraudulent adoptions.

* These folks are WAY out of the age limits. Again, you might not agree with the rules, but Korea absolutely has the right to dictate the terms of international adoption. You age out, you are out of luck.

* No one is arguing that the child was not in need of a home or that the Duquet's do not have a suitable home to give her. The Duquet's are arguing that they were following advice from their South Korean lawyer. They believed they were within the law. But supposedly the Duquets had previously spoken with a South Korean orphanage about their age...might they have also consulted about whether their "private" adoption was legal? And again, they were no strangers to the confusing land of international adoption. It seems likely that they thought they had found a loophole in the system and decided to take advantage of it.

* The most upsetting part for me is that this little girl is paying the price for the Duquet's missteps. A doctor has stated the child shows signs of trauma, due to her removal from the family's care. The family cites that trauma as reasons why the child should remain in their custody.

I still have a lot of friends in process right now---the legal process---waiting to bring home their children from Korea. This story has sent shards of fear through that community. Terrified that the Duquet's actions will usher in more severe penalties for those who are law abiding. In the wake of the 2010 case where Artyem Saviliev was returned to Russia by his adoptive mother, which sparked the demand and the subsequent passage of an US ban on adoptions, I don't think this fear is paranoid. The situation couldn't have occurred at a more difficult time. 

Law changes in Korean adoption implemented last year and still being sorted out and have stalled the adoption processes for everyone. The courts are sorting out what documentation they require, children are being abandoned by birth mothers due to the new registry requirements, and additional red tape has meant hundreds of children are delayed even further from being placed in their forever homes. 

Could this situation mean even more legal wrangling and delays as the government interprets and enacts the new laws?

This quote from a Chicago Tribune story sums it up best: 
"Julie Tye, president of The Cradle, an Evanston adoption agency, offered words of warning to families who want to adopt a child from another country.
"If you find a way to do an adoption in a way that no one else seems to have done, you have to ask yourself this question: 'Do I know something that nobody else knows, or do they know something that I don't know?'
"When it comes to adoption, especially international adoption, the path less traveled is probably the one to be avoided," Tye said."

###

Related links:
Evanston couple fights for South Korea adoption {Chicago Tribune}
Evanston couple battling 2 countries over adoption  {Chicago Tribune}
South Korea tries to recall US adoption {Christian Science Monitor}

7.26.2012

As long as we're talking films...Finding Seoul

As long as we are talking adoption films...this one is on my list of movies to see. Filmmaker John Sanvidge from NYC shares his adoption story, and subsequent return to Korea to search for his birth parents in his movie "Finding Seoul".

The film looks interesting but there's one key thing that the filmmaker says (in the second trailer) that makes me really want to see it. He says he's always felt like there was something missing in his life. And that sentiment is something that really scares me as an adoptive mom. I know that no amount of love or happiness can prevent him from feeling feelings like that, and I won't be able to fix it for him. If he does feel that loss (as many adoptees do) I can only hope that he knows we will always support his efforts to explore his feelings and do whatever we can to help him be at peace with them.

Hopefully some of this is addressed in the film. It's only one person's perspective, but we can learn something from everyone.

For more information, or to purchase the film, go HERE.



http://youtu.be/mDcWeUIEGME



http://youtu.be/1tWcsqd_htU

7.25.2012

This film needs to be made: Geographies of Kinship

What is the definition of family? Is it who you are connected to by genetics? Or who you are connected to by the heart? Is there room for both? How are they different or the same?

I have often contemplated this and have since I was a kid. In our family we had plenty of people who were raising children they may or may not be connected to genetically. But we were family all the same. So genetics really never factored much into my definition of who was family.

But sometimes I had this strange pull...the attraction to (and wondering about) people I was genetically related to but didn't know. Were THOSE people family? How could I include them in the same circle of loving and reliable people that I defined as family? I needed a new definition for people that I was genetically related to and yet had no emotional connection to. I never found that definition...

Exploring the map of kinships continues to be an interesting topic to me, and filmmaker Deann Borshay Liem is fascinated with the topic too. She's currently raising funds for her third film about adoption. Borshay Liem is a Korean adoptee herself and has already made two films about the Korean adoption experience: First Person Plural was about her personal adoption story, and in In The Matter Of Cha Jung Hee,  Borshay Liem documented her search for a Korean girl who was supposed to be adopted to the U.S., and never was.

Borshay Liem in the final days of fundraising for the project. Here's her KICKSTARTER fundraising page if you are interested in more information.


5.09.2012

One year: Our first Forever Family Day

They handed him to us. He was dressed in a tiny blue pantsuit with shoes several sizes too big.

His foster mother's eyes were red-rimmed from crying but she didn't let a tear fall in front of him. His foster father said his wishes for him were that he'd be a good, kind person who cared about others. I started to sob as the social worker told us it was time to go.

We stepped into the tiny silver elevator, the doors closing while his foster parents waved goodbye.

We were all shocked, not sure what had really just happened.

His eyes were big during the cab ride. He sat quietly in my lap and watched the world pass by the windows. We walked into our hotel and hurried up to our room.

Now what?

The Man and Little Man parked themselves on the floor for an impromptu picnic. He made funny faces as he tried the baby food we brought. He ate quietly, staring at The Man. He still hadn't cried at all. He was so tough.

We attempted our first nap time. And he slept! The Man and I locked eyes over his sleeping head. We are a family.

*************

Family Day, 2012
One year since that day. Wow. I just can't believe how it can seem like forever and just yesterday at the same time. My heart still pounds as I relive those moments.

As I reflect on the past year, the word that comes to mind is more. With Little Man in our lives, we've experienced more of so many things:

More joy.
More challenges.
More living in the present.
More juggling.
More full hearts.
More amazement.

Just, more of everything.

It was definitely more difficult than I had anticipated. I guess when you picture your life with kids, you know it will be tough, but nothing can really prepare you for the reality of it. And the adoption aspect of things makes it a little more of a challenge. Not everyone's attachment process is the same, but for us, this first year wasn't easy. I think we are starting to get to a good place, but it's definitely been a long, slow process for us. We are still on our journey.

But for all the ups and downs (and sleep deprivation), really, becoming a family has been more incredible than I imagined. I am constantly amazed by this tiny person. He's such a fighter (which sometimes really drives me crazy) and has a strong heart. He's passionate, sweet, determined, and exuberant. Smart, funny, loving...


Daily, I think, how the hell did we get so lucky? How did this amazing person end up in our lives?

There's all kinds of ways to explain it. Fate, a higher power, karma, whatever. I have no idea what brought us all together. But I'm truly thankful.


5.01.2012

Anniversary time-One year ago in our adoption journey

Saturday officially started it for us--the one year mark since this whole journey began.

One year ago on Saturday, we go the long-awaited phone call that our son was ready to travel. The Man took the phone call from our social worker, and I wish I could remember just what he said when he called to relay the information to me. I can't remember the conversation at all! I just remember the feeling of being completely in love with life at that moment. The lighter-than-air feeling of anticipation in finally meeting Little Man and beginning our lives together. And the joy that I would be sharing the experience with The Man.

Of course, all that was accompanied by feelings of "holy crap, this is actually happening!" and the panic that we were about to meet Little Man and begin our lives together.

Was that really only a year ago?

Tonight, about 9 p.m., will be the time that we first met him (Korea time). That deserves some big retrospective post. I should be a good blogger and have a whole slew of anniversary posts about all the big firsts that we were experiencing. But I haven't quite managed to sit down and put it all down. Time to write is a rare commodity these days. But mostly, I haven't written the posts because whenever I try to write about them, I start crying.

So when I quit being an emotional mess, (or at least can type through the ugly cry) I'll try and share some of those amazing moments.