Not only written funnier than hell, but true! Here's one of my favorite parts:
People are going to say stupid sh*t. I am constantly amazed at the things people think it’s OK to say. And this is coming from me -- someone who says all kinds of stupid stuff daily. Maybe these folks don’t know that what they’re saying is assholic. Maybe they don’t care. Here’s what we suggest – when someone says something like: “You should snatch that pacifier right out of her mouth. Here, let me do it for you. Wait, I’ll just wipe my hands off first – I was cutting up some raw chicken.” Just walk away. Don’t give in to the perfectly normal urge to kickpunch or teach your children new four letter words. Just smile and nod and back away as fast as you can. Meanwhile scream the following at them but only with your eyes: “YOU ARE F*CKING MOONBAT, SPITTING CHERRY PITS CRAZY AND YOU MAY NOT TOUCH MY BABY, SALMONELLA HANDS!”
Go read the rest HERE. Nod your head in agreement and smile knowingly to yourself before you go back to chasing the rug rats around.
BTW--I'm going to try and figure out how to incorporate the word "assholic" on a daily basis. Unfortunately I meet enough of them to warrant this. Besides, I just like the word.
What things should someone have told you??? I would add this to the list:
You will become intimately familiar with your baby's poop. Sometimes you will even find it interesting. The texture, consistency, and color never ceases to amaze me. I carried a poopy diaper through the house today, just to show it to The Man so he could find it amazing, just like I did. I never once imagined that I would do that. (It really was strange...looked like little rabbit poop!)