The fourth and final installment catching you up on our first trip to Korea. Figured I'd better get all this in before we our off for our second trip.
We had some awesome experiences that brought Korea nearer and dearer to our hearts. Our Korean school teacher here in Wisconsin had arranged for a dinner for us. SJ is from Seoul and
she said a friend of hers would like to make dinner for us. It was sort of awkward for us because we weren't really sure we wanted to commit to spending time with complete strangers. But she really wanted to do this for us, and so we agreed.
Mr.
Kang's restaurant was really lovely. It specialized in fusion
Japanese-Korean cuisine, mainly seafood. The seating and style is very
traditional Korean with floor seating and ondol heating. He was waiting
outside when we arrived by taxi and it was only about 5 minutes from our
hotel. He gave us a very nice tour, but his English is very rough. We
mostly communicated with one or two words and a lot of smiles. The
restaurant was closed and he opened it up just for us!
Then SJ's two sisters arrived to join us for the meal, and they had their teen daughters with them. Little
Man was starting to feel some of the travel strain so he was a bit of a
handful but really, the dinner was one of the highlights of our trip!
The meal was about 5 courses (the food just
kept coming!) and because we are vegetarian, he had two different
meals---one for our family and food for the other families. One of the
sisters spoke pretty good English, and our Korean teacher SJ was
translating from Milwaukee via text.
One thing we kept coming back to again
and again is the extreme kindness of Koreans. I know we might be biased,
but it's just so amazing to us how generous and kind they are. One
example is in the subway---it's an amazing system and really easy to
use, but our first time back to the subway we were studying the map and
trying to remember how to get around. A man saw we looked confused as we
were buying our trip ticket. He asked if he could help and consulted
the map with us to figure out where we needed to go. He watched as we
bought our tickets and then waved us to follow him through the gates and
onto the subway. We thought, how nice, he's going the same direction we
are.
When we arrived at our stop (about 3 stops down)
he popped up and waved at us to follow him out. I thought, wow, he was
going the same direction we were! We followed him out of the turnstiles,
he watched as we returned our subway card for a refund, and then he
pointed to our exit. He waved good-bye and turned back to buy a new
subway ticket before running back to the loading ramp. He went so far
out of his way for strangers!!
This happened again and again. When we might look lost or in need of help, someone came and offered it. We were so grateful.
Finally, one of the best parts of this trip was meeting other
adoptive families. There's something really powerful about being on a
similar track together and it builds and instant camaraderie. One of the
greatest joys for us was connecting with a family from California. Mama
T. reached out to us via our blog and so happy she did! Our families
have so much in common! The California family was also returning to
Korea for their second child and their first child is Little Man's age.
Through the weeks of preparing for travel we were tearing up the email
lines, comparing lists of things we were bringing, what we were wearing
and trying to figure out logistics like phone and internet service.
Meeting
them in person was wonderful and the boys got on well. Little Man was
bossy and emotional but their California-cool even-keeled boy took it
all in stride. Watching the boys play helped me relax a bit and gave
Little Man something to look forward to. It was a great friendship
condensed into a few days and I have a good feeling that we'll be in
touch for a long time to come.
One particularly great memory will be after the stress of our court date. Following court, we joined the California family to celebrate (and make good on a bribe for the boys to be good in court) with ice cream. As we headed to ice cream shop, we ran into another family we met in court (NY family), so they joined us too. We had the shop to ourselves for quite a while and the boys ran wild. We huddled in a corner and talked openly and candidly about our adoptions, thoughts, hopes and fears. (The NY family has since been united with their son and doing great! Yay!!) I just love how we can come from all corners of the country, all different backgrounds and experiences, and yet, hanging out with them was so easy and natural.
We also met the families of two women I have met through my Facebook support group who were traveling at the same time! In that group, we cheer for one another at each tiny step of the way. When the three of us found out that we'd be traveling at the same time, we were able to compare information, figure out hotels, and figure out the logistics of our trip together. What a help! One super sweet family even met us at the bus stop to guide us to our hotel and help carry luggage. Incredibly awesome! And, since we'll all be bringing kids home at the same time, I know that we'll be able to continue to support one another as we work through the transitions together.
Showing posts with label Adoption Travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption Travel. Show all posts
3.03.2014
The crazy ups and downs of adoption: we have a visa appointment in Korea!
Oh my gosh. There really aren't enough words to tell you how different this adoption process is from the first! The only words I can use to really describe it is ROLLER COASTER.
This whole adoption has been filled with long waits, breathless anticipation, feeling like you aren't making progress at all, only to be catapulted forward and have things move so quickly you can hardly catch your breath.
On Wednesday, our social worker emailed (?!) and told us the good news was that we had received preliminary approval from the courts in Korea on 2/7/14 and had officially entered the 14-day waiting period. Yay!
She then followed it with the bad news---the courts had closed and were not processing final adoption decrees or hearing any new cases. The closure was for an unspecified amount of time but we were now on hold, likely not traveling until the middle or end of March.
We were sick. We have spent the past two months living with the unsettling feeling that "any minute now" we'd find out about something--first waiting for our court appearance and now waiting for our return. It's been hard to settle and relax when all we could think about was when are we going? And now, when it seemed that we'd be heading out the door any day, we find out that we still had weeks to wait.
My parents had already begun the 5-day drive to reach Wisconsin. Based on estimates, we figured that our case would be closing on February 24. Of course, no guarantees, but because most families are only given 2-4 days notice before having to return to Korea, we opted to play it safe and have them here. The new timeline meant that they'd be hanging out in Milwaukee, able to enjoy all it's Polar Vortex gloriousness. I called my folks and told them not to hurry.
I cried that night. Felt the lowest I've been throughout this whole 18-month process. I moped around and then slowly started trying to find the bright side of things. We'd have more time to prepare. Maybe Mom and I could sew some curtains for the boys room. I started making lists to help keep me busy for the next few weeks.
And then, we received a huge reminder just how crazy this whole process is. On Thursday, The Man started calling and texting me. CALL ME!! Less than 24-hours after we were told we weren't traveling, we received another email (really, isn't there a better way to notify us than email?!) telling us that we had a visa appointment in Korea and we needed to be there next week.
WHAT?!! Seriously??
Of course, the social worker didn't tell us exactly when our visa appointment date was or when we had to be there and we frantically tried calling her. After 30-minutes of busy signals, someone finally answered and told us that our social worker had sent the same email to 7 families and we were all calling. Duh. Not like we've been waiting months on end for this or anything.
I reached out to other families who had court dates the same date as us. Two of them had received the same info on Wednesday, followed by the same shocking announcement on Thursday! One family has a March 6 visa appointment, and the other has a March 10 appointment.
About 4 hours after the email, we had answers. As of February 26, we were officially Little Brother's parents! In addition, we have a March 11 visa appointment and so, need to be in Korea next week. We had a little more notice than some of the families, which is greatly appreciated. But it's definitely not the 2-week notice that our social worker had told us that "every one of their families had been getting". (Thank goodness again, for our networking group. I knew that most families have only received 2-4 days notice, so was fairly sure our social worker was mistaken.)
What was really awesome is that my folks pulled into town just hours after we got all the great news! So....it worked out just great. Thank heavens! We've had a wonderful few days together. Time to wrap up work. Time to take care of details that will make life after we return a little easier. And possibly, a little time to breathe!
We head to Chicago on Wednesday. Fly to Seoul on Thursday morning. Arrive on Friday night. A few days to recover and we'll take custody of him either Monday or Tuesday. And Tuesday afternoon, a visa hearing.
Can't wait to start the next phase of our life. And so very happy to be getting off this roller coaster! We are coming, Little Brother!!
This whole adoption has been filled with long waits, breathless anticipation, feeling like you aren't making progress at all, only to be catapulted forward and have things move so quickly you can hardly catch your breath.
On Wednesday, our social worker emailed (?!) and told us the good news was that we had received preliminary approval from the courts in Korea on 2/7/14 and had officially entered the 14-day waiting period. Yay!
She then followed it with the bad news---the courts had closed and were not processing final adoption decrees or hearing any new cases. The closure was for an unspecified amount of time but we were now on hold, likely not traveling until the middle or end of March.
We were sick. We have spent the past two months living with the unsettling feeling that "any minute now" we'd find out about something--first waiting for our court appearance and now waiting for our return. It's been hard to settle and relax when all we could think about was when are we going? And now, when it seemed that we'd be heading out the door any day, we find out that we still had weeks to wait.
My parents had already begun the 5-day drive to reach Wisconsin. Based on estimates, we figured that our case would be closing on February 24. Of course, no guarantees, but because most families are only given 2-4 days notice before having to return to Korea, we opted to play it safe and have them here. The new timeline meant that they'd be hanging out in Milwaukee, able to enjoy all it's Polar Vortex gloriousness. I called my folks and told them not to hurry.
I cried that night. Felt the lowest I've been throughout this whole 18-month process. I moped around and then slowly started trying to find the bright side of things. We'd have more time to prepare. Maybe Mom and I could sew some curtains for the boys room. I started making lists to help keep me busy for the next few weeks.
And then, we received a huge reminder just how crazy this whole process is. On Thursday, The Man started calling and texting me. CALL ME!! Less than 24-hours after we were told we weren't traveling, we received another email (really, isn't there a better way to notify us than email?!) telling us that we had a visa appointment in Korea and we needed to be there next week.
WHAT?!! Seriously??
Of course, the social worker didn't tell us exactly when our visa appointment date was or when we had to be there and we frantically tried calling her. After 30-minutes of busy signals, someone finally answered and told us that our social worker had sent the same email to 7 families and we were all calling. Duh. Not like we've been waiting months on end for this or anything.
I reached out to other families who had court dates the same date as us. Two of them had received the same info on Wednesday, followed by the same shocking announcement on Thursday! One family has a March 6 visa appointment, and the other has a March 10 appointment.
About 4 hours after the email, we had answers. As of February 26, we were officially Little Brother's parents! In addition, we have a March 11 visa appointment and so, need to be in Korea next week. We had a little more notice than some of the families, which is greatly appreciated. But it's definitely not the 2-week notice that our social worker had told us that "every one of their families had been getting". (Thank goodness again, for our networking group. I knew that most families have only received 2-4 days notice, so was fairly sure our social worker was mistaken.)
What was really awesome is that my folks pulled into town just hours after we got all the great news! So....it worked out just great. Thank heavens! We've had a wonderful few days together. Time to wrap up work. Time to take care of details that will make life after we return a little easier. And possibly, a little time to breathe!
We head to Chicago on Wednesday. Fly to Seoul on Thursday morning. Arrive on Friday night. A few days to recover and we'll take custody of him either Monday or Tuesday. And Tuesday afternoon, a visa hearing.
Can't wait to start the next phase of our life. And so very happy to be getting off this roller coaster! We are coming, Little Brother!!
3.01.2014
Our Korean adventure, part III: the new process and court
As most of you know, the Korean adoption program has underwent a major overhaul since the passage of the new adoption law in 2012. There is virtually nothing about the program that is the same, other than the country.
While we were in Korea for the first of our two trips for this adoption, I had some really interesting conversations with our Korean social worker about their opinions on the new rules. They feel that the new rules have hurt single mothers rather than help them. Now, all babies must be registered on the mother's birth registry until the time that they are adopted. At that point, the records will be stricken. The aim of this is to give adoptees more access to their birth records/family of origin.
I asked whether she felt the passage of the law has led to more single women choosing to parent their children, (the intent of the backers of the law), and she said not really. She said there has been a decline in the number of children being placed. According to the social worker, more women are turning to "other" means---instead of adoption they are choosing to abandon their children or choosing abortion. I have also heard that because the new law requires that birth mothers cannot relinquish the babies until 7 days after birth, that some of the mothers have changed their mind during this time and decided to parent. Our social worker said yes, this has happened on occasion, but it is rare. So very sad.
We looked at the Baby Reception area of the agency. The beds were very full and many of the children seemed older than when we had seen this area before. Typically, the babies only stay here until they are 5-months-old and then they are placed into foster families. But because the process is taking so much longer now, there are not as many foster families available.
Another huge change for the program is the court process. With Little Man's adoption, we saw him once at his foster home and then took custody a few days later. We were technically his foster family here in the U.S. for the first 6-months we had him, and then we finalized in U.S. court where his name was legally changed and he became a citizen.
With the process change, adoptive parents must have mandatory visits with the child and then go to court in Korea to get an adoption decree.
The court process was intimidating and nerve-wracking. We just had no idea what to expect. Our agency didn't tell us a thing other than the date/time of our court date and that I had to wear a dress or skirt. We met at our Korean agency at the appointed time and three other families loaded into a van. We were handed a single sheet of paper for all the families to review with possible questions the judge would ask us. They ranged from what were our child-rearing philosophies, how we handled marital conflict, if we would give the child freedom of religion, and what pre-adoption class we found most beneficial. We were told to smile a lot and talk to the judge and not the translator.
We arrived at court and our judge was running over a full hour ahead of schedule! We thought we had time to mentally prepare, but next thing we knew, they were calling in people from our group. We were last in the group of four, and each family was only in there about 5 minutes. They all walked out saying it was easy and more like a conversation than a hearing.
Finally it was our turn. We had given Little Man a coloring book and bribed him with ice cream if he sat quietly during the hearing. The courtroom was just like a U.S. courtroom. We sat on the left table, the translator at the table to our right. The judge was young and very nice. He smiled at us, but immediately launched into questioning me about my line of work. I am a news photographer and he wanted details about the type of work I do. I kept my answers pretty simple. Partially because I went blank, and partially because things get complicated when you are dealing with a translator. He wanted to know what our child care plans were and how I was going to handle work and being a mother. I told him how much time I'd be taking off for maternity leave and how our son is only in daycare 3 days a week, and we'd follow the same plan for Little Brother.
He asked my husband if we had met Little Brother and if we loved him. (We answered yes, we loved him in our hearts but it would take time for all of us to grow to love one another. He seemed to like this answer.) He asked what our parenting philosophy was (teach children to be kind to others, do good things in the world).
He then moved on and wanted to ask questions of Little Man. I wasn't sure how Little Man would handle this because he usually clams up when asked direct questions by strangers. The judge asked if he had met his brother (he didn't look up but answered yes). He asked if he was ready to accept his responsibilities of being a big brother. (All we could do was get Little Man to do was nod.) And there was some other question that I have forgotten. The judge didn't really seem to care that Little Man was being shy.
Then made us promise to love and care for Little Brother throughout his life. We said yes, of course, and he said "I am 100% positive that you will be excellent parents." It was then that I burst into tears. Our translator looked over at me, worried, and said "you did really really good". I told her I was crying because I was so happy.
And that was our court appearance. In all, it lasted about 8 minutes. But it seemed to take forever.
One nice thing is that we had to give our Korean agency our son's American name and evidently our adoption decree will be given in his American name so there won't be a need to readopt here in the states. Our adoption will be finalized in Korea, meaning once we take custody, he's ours. His social security card is supposed to be sent to our home (instead of multiple visits to the SS office trying to get it) and we will be sent his Certificate of Citizenship (which also took a long time to get with Little Man's process).
One more huge difference with the new process is that birth mothers can choose, at the time of relinquishment, if they want to be contacted before an adoption is processed. If a birth mother should choose this, the agency must contact her before the court hearing. If they are not able to make contact, the process may be delayed. An agency must attempt to contact a birth mother three times. If they are successful, she has 14 days to evaluate the action. If she does not protest the action, then the preliminary adoption decree may be issued and another 14-day waiting period begins before the decree can be final. If they are not able to make contact with the birth mother, then a public notice of the action is posted on a website for 14 days. If no one protests the public notice then the decree is issued and the final 14-day waiting period begins.
I know this is really confusing, but for families stuck in this waiting period, it's really brutal. It's something that I'm not sure many families in process actually even know about. I've heard of many families being frustrated that they have not received their final adoption decree weeks or even months after their court appearance. It's likely that many of these families' cases have had birth mother contact issues and they were not aware.
The new process is definitely not easy. It's a challenge because many of the procedures are being worked out and continue to be in flux. Agencies seem to be struggling to keep up with these fluctuations and changes. And state-side social workers don't seem to be well informed about what's happening at all. There are times when I wonder how this entire system even manages to keep operational.
While we were in Korea for the first of our two trips for this adoption, I had some really interesting conversations with our Korean social worker about their opinions on the new rules. They feel that the new rules have hurt single mothers rather than help them. Now, all babies must be registered on the mother's birth registry until the time that they are adopted. At that point, the records will be stricken. The aim of this is to give adoptees more access to their birth records/family of origin.
I asked whether she felt the passage of the law has led to more single women choosing to parent their children, (the intent of the backers of the law), and she said not really. She said there has been a decline in the number of children being placed. According to the social worker, more women are turning to "other" means---instead of adoption they are choosing to abandon their children or choosing abortion. I have also heard that because the new law requires that birth mothers cannot relinquish the babies until 7 days after birth, that some of the mothers have changed their mind during this time and decided to parent. Our social worker said yes, this has happened on occasion, but it is rare. So very sad.
We looked at the Baby Reception area of the agency. The beds were very full and many of the children seemed older than when we had seen this area before. Typically, the babies only stay here until they are 5-months-old and then they are placed into foster families. But because the process is taking so much longer now, there are not as many foster families available.
Another huge change for the program is the court process. With Little Man's adoption, we saw him once at his foster home and then took custody a few days later. We were technically his foster family here in the U.S. for the first 6-months we had him, and then we finalized in U.S. court where his name was legally changed and he became a citizen.
With the process change, adoptive parents must have mandatory visits with the child and then go to court in Korea to get an adoption decree.
The court process was intimidating and nerve-wracking. We just had no idea what to expect. Our agency didn't tell us a thing other than the date/time of our court date and that I had to wear a dress or skirt. We met at our Korean agency at the appointed time and three other families loaded into a van. We were handed a single sheet of paper for all the families to review with possible questions the judge would ask us. They ranged from what were our child-rearing philosophies, how we handled marital conflict, if we would give the child freedom of religion, and what pre-adoption class we found most beneficial. We were told to smile a lot and talk to the judge and not the translator.
We arrived at court and our judge was running over a full hour ahead of schedule! We thought we had time to mentally prepare, but next thing we knew, they were calling in people from our group. We were last in the group of four, and each family was only in there about 5 minutes. They all walked out saying it was easy and more like a conversation than a hearing.
Finally it was our turn. We had given Little Man a coloring book and bribed him with ice cream if he sat quietly during the hearing. The courtroom was just like a U.S. courtroom. We sat on the left table, the translator at the table to our right. The judge was young and very nice. He smiled at us, but immediately launched into questioning me about my line of work. I am a news photographer and he wanted details about the type of work I do. I kept my answers pretty simple. Partially because I went blank, and partially because things get complicated when you are dealing with a translator. He wanted to know what our child care plans were and how I was going to handle work and being a mother. I told him how much time I'd be taking off for maternity leave and how our son is only in daycare 3 days a week, and we'd follow the same plan for Little Brother.
He asked my husband if we had met Little Brother and if we loved him. (We answered yes, we loved him in our hearts but it would take time for all of us to grow to love one another. He seemed to like this answer.) He asked what our parenting philosophy was (teach children to be kind to others, do good things in the world).
He then moved on and wanted to ask questions of Little Man. I wasn't sure how Little Man would handle this because he usually clams up when asked direct questions by strangers. The judge asked if he had met his brother (he didn't look up but answered yes). He asked if he was ready to accept his responsibilities of being a big brother. (All we could do was get Little Man to do was nod.) And there was some other question that I have forgotten. The judge didn't really seem to care that Little Man was being shy.
Then made us promise to love and care for Little Brother throughout his life. We said yes, of course, and he said "I am 100% positive that you will be excellent parents." It was then that I burst into tears. Our translator looked over at me, worried, and said "you did really really good". I told her I was crying because I was so happy.
And that was our court appearance. In all, it lasted about 8 minutes. But it seemed to take forever.
One nice thing is that we had to give our Korean agency our son's American name and evidently our adoption decree will be given in his American name so there won't be a need to readopt here in the states. Our adoption will be finalized in Korea, meaning once we take custody, he's ours. His social security card is supposed to be sent to our home (instead of multiple visits to the SS office trying to get it) and we will be sent his Certificate of Citizenship (which also took a long time to get with Little Man's process).
One more huge difference with the new process is that birth mothers can choose, at the time of relinquishment, if they want to be contacted before an adoption is processed. If a birth mother should choose this, the agency must contact her before the court hearing. If they are not able to make contact, the process may be delayed. An agency must attempt to contact a birth mother three times. If they are successful, she has 14 days to evaluate the action. If she does not protest the action, then the preliminary adoption decree may be issued and another 14-day waiting period begins before the decree can be final. If they are not able to make contact with the birth mother, then a public notice of the action is posted on a website for 14 days. If no one protests the public notice then the decree is issued and the final 14-day waiting period begins.
I know this is really confusing, but for families stuck in this waiting period, it's really brutal. It's something that I'm not sure many families in process actually even know about. I've heard of many families being frustrated that they have not received their final adoption decree weeks or even months after their court appearance. It's likely that many of these families' cases have had birth mother contact issues and they were not aware.
The new process is definitely not easy. It's a challenge because many of the procedures are being worked out and continue to be in flux. Agencies seem to be struggling to keep up with these fluctuations and changes. And state-side social workers don't seem to be well informed about what's happening at all. There are times when I wonder how this entire system even manages to keep operational.
2.28.2014
Our Korean adventure, Part II: Toddler travel in Korea
Well, we were all kinds of concerned about bringing Little Man on this trip, but I can honestly say that we'd do it again! Some of the most powerful moments for us came from watching him experience Korea, a place we've read and talked about often. He was an incredible traveler and exceeded all our expectations which was a really happy discovery.
We had talked a lot about the trip and what he would see at each step, and he had it all memorized. When we got on the plane he marched on, buckled his seat belt and never looked back. He only had a hard time about six hours into the flight when he was exhausted and couldn't fall asleep. The tears lasted about 30-seconds and he was done. Other than that, for both flights, he watched the televisions, played a little iPad, and we only opened about 2-3 of the activities I had planned for him in either direction.
When we finally arrived Friday night in Korea we were totally wiped out. Another traveling family whom I had connected with through my Facebook adoption group were sweet enough to meet us at the bus stop when we came in, carried luggage and walked us to our hotel. No thinking required! Yay!
Jet lag was a bit of an issue for us the first few days. We had a hotel with a kitchenette which was a lifesaver. Little Man was usually up about 3 a.m. Sometimes we could get him back to bed until 4:30 a.m., but a typical day had us up around 4 a.m. and making macaroni and cheese for breakfast. The bummer with this was that we spent a lot of hours hanging in our hotel room because nothing was open yet.
We kept most of our days really light. Traveling with a toddler means you take things slow...painfully slow. We would head out in the morning, do or see something, return to the hotel for naptime, and then venture out again in the afternoon. I wish that we could have visited more cultural sites while there, but because of our schedules with Little Brother, that just didn't fit into our days.
Our first day in Korea we stayed close to the hotel. We checked out the Buddhist temple Bongeunsa which was beautiful and so peaceful! Because of our difficult schedule, it was also one of the few places we went where Little Man would experience traditional architecture. After the afternoon nap we hit the aquarium at Coex, a giant mall one subway stop from our hotel.
Sunday we ventured further from the hotel, heading about 45 minutes away to Seoul Tower and Namsan, which Little Man loved. It's wooded and beautiful but it was really foggy, so we couldn't see much. We walked about 30 minutes up to Namsan with Little Man in a backpack. After than, we splurged and took the cable car to the top. It was a fun ride but would have been amazing if it were a clear day.
Seoul Tower has a tradition of people placing locks on the fences and other areas to proclaim everlasting love. This tradition seems to be a Korean thing as there are places near the North/South Korea border where people have done the same thing. In 2011 we put a lock for Little Man up, but an entire fence line of locks had been removed, including ours. Totally a bummer.
This time we brought a brass lock, which The Man had engraved all of our names onto. We searched for a good place to put it where we hoped it wouldn't be removed. Who knows if it will last an eternity, but it was fun doing it.
One thing many of our friends have asked us about was how the Korean people responded to Little Man. We often get double takes here in the states, and in Korea, it was the same. People would see him and smile at him, then I'd watch their eyes travel up to look at us. Some people went out of their way to smile and nod at us. Some of the older people would seem to have a look of disdain or anger on their faces. Not sure if they always looked like that or if it was a reflection of how they felt about Westerners adopting Korean children.
Overwhelmingly though, the interactions were on the positive. People treated us as they treated others with young children, standing up to give us a seat on the subway, etc. Many people asked us if he was Korean. Then they wanted to know if he was 100% Korean. And many asked if we were his parents. Even if they couldn't speak English, we got questions when they would point to him, and then point to us questioningly.
One thing Little Man struggled with was that Koreans tend to be touch and feel children, even when they don't know the child. Americans are a bit more reserved in this. A stranger might reach out to pet Little Man's arm if they are talking to us about him, but Koreans just got right in his face. They would touch his hair or tickle his cheek. Some people whom we had just met actually wanted to take him from our arms and hold him. He doesn't like people being in his space so he usually turned away or refused to look at them. I don't blame him.
The other thing I found really funny was Koreans CANNOT HANDLE A CRYING CHILD. Seriously. They lose their minds when a baby or kid is crying. Several times in our trip Little Man would cry if he was tired, but usually as a result of me telling him he couldn't do something. Women would then run over to us, saying oh-gee-mah (which means don't cry) and start giving him things. While we were visiting the sister of our Korean teacher (here in Wisconsin), Little Man started crying and she dug in her purse and handed him a Lego watch (which we later saw in the store for $30!!). I thought she was just entertaining him but she refused to take it back! A stranger gave him a fresh roll of vitamin drops after he threw a fit about wearing a hanbok. The flight attendant gave him a bunch of stickers when he fussed because he couldn't have a third brownie during the flight. The list goes on and on. Our boy is smart enough to come up with tactical plans that benefit him, so I'm sure if we lived there he'd be throwing fits in public all the time. Eek.
One of the most emotional and beautiful things about our trip was visiting with Little Man's foster parents. We have not been in contact with them since Little Man came home. I had sent back a book and USB drive with videos, and written them letters, but hadn't had any response from them. I wasn't sure if they were interested in seeing him or not, but contacted our agency and asked them to let the foster family know that Little Man would be with us on the trip and if they wanted to meet, we'd love to.
Happily, they said yes! They live about an hour outside of Seoul and our visit with them happened on our last day there. It was so great to see them! They arrived with a 3 1/2 year old boy and I thought it was another foster. But it ends up that after Little Man left Korea they were really heartbroken. He was their 5th foster and they decided they couldn't do it anymore.
They had done special needs placements and when a baby was relinquished with severe special needs, the agency had called them for an emergency placement until a foster home could be found. They took the sweet boy, and ADOPTED HIM!! The Foster Mother apologized over and again for not staying in touch or responding to any of our letters, but explained they had been very busy with multiple surgeries and doctor's appointments caring for their new son. Really, I didn't expect them to respond, I just wanted them to know that Little Man was OK!
They couldn't get over how grown Little Man is and thought he was even cuter now that he speaks English. Ha! They were surprised to see how he continued to eat through our entire meeting and expressed concern that he might get fat. That totally cracked us up. This child doesn't know how to sit still for a minute and he burns calories faster than he can get them in. And, I think it's a funny insight into Korean culture that they are worried about his weight!
They shared that the family used to call him "inhyung" which means "doll" because Little Man was such a pretty baby. They miss him a lot and said the entire family will gather to watch the videos we send on the USB, and often cry. They are so happy he is doing well and pleased that he is learning Korean and exposed to Korean culture.
Little Man and their son got on well and Little Man was so sweet in sharing his toys and snacks. Their son is basically blind, having only limited vision from the corner of his eye, if things are about 2 inches away. This was hard for Little Man to understand, but he was incredibly kind to him. We were proud.
I gave them a website where we load photos and videos so they can see him anytime they want. And they were thrilled to know that we plan on returning with both boys in the years ahead. They also gifted Little Man with an AMAZING hanbok. The first hanbok they sent him home with three years ago still fits, but just barely! We've received so many compliments on it because it's very high quality silk and embroidery. His new one is just as gorgeous and should fit him until he's 6-7 (unless he gets fat, ha!). We agreed to keep writing letters and to try and stay in touch.
After a huge photo session, Little Man showered them with hugs and kisses (he had been restrained until then). Foster Mom got teary holding him again and said it felt so good to have him back in her arms. We were all crying by that point. It's just so amazing to know how deeply these children are loved by their foster parents before they leave. Little Man was only with them four months but they have enough love for him for his lifetime! It's really a powerful thing. By far, one of the most amazing moments of our trip.
We had talked a lot about the trip and what he would see at each step, and he had it all memorized. When we got on the plane he marched on, buckled his seat belt and never looked back. He only had a hard time about six hours into the flight when he was exhausted and couldn't fall asleep. The tears lasted about 30-seconds and he was done. Other than that, for both flights, he watched the televisions, played a little iPad, and we only opened about 2-3 of the activities I had planned for him in either direction.
When we finally arrived Friday night in Korea we were totally wiped out. Another traveling family whom I had connected with through my Facebook adoption group were sweet enough to meet us at the bus stop when we came in, carried luggage and walked us to our hotel. No thinking required! Yay!
Jet lag was a bit of an issue for us the first few days. We had a hotel with a kitchenette which was a lifesaver. Little Man was usually up about 3 a.m. Sometimes we could get him back to bed until 4:30 a.m., but a typical day had us up around 4 a.m. and making macaroni and cheese for breakfast. The bummer with this was that we spent a lot of hours hanging in our hotel room because nothing was open yet.
We kept most of our days really light. Traveling with a toddler means you take things slow...painfully slow. We would head out in the morning, do or see something, return to the hotel for naptime, and then venture out again in the afternoon. I wish that we could have visited more cultural sites while there, but because of our schedules with Little Brother, that just didn't fit into our days.
Our first day in Korea we stayed close to the hotel. We checked out the Buddhist temple Bongeunsa which was beautiful and so peaceful! Because of our difficult schedule, it was also one of the few places we went where Little Man would experience traditional architecture. After the afternoon nap we hit the aquarium at Coex, a giant mall one subway stop from our hotel.
Sunday we ventured further from the hotel, heading about 45 minutes away to Seoul Tower and Namsan, which Little Man loved. It's wooded and beautiful but it was really foggy, so we couldn't see much. We walked about 30 minutes up to Namsan with Little Man in a backpack. After than, we splurged and took the cable car to the top. It was a fun ride but would have been amazing if it were a clear day.
Seoul Tower has a tradition of people placing locks on the fences and other areas to proclaim everlasting love. This tradition seems to be a Korean thing as there are places near the North/South Korea border where people have done the same thing. In 2011 we put a lock for Little Man up, but an entire fence line of locks had been removed, including ours. Totally a bummer.
This time we brought a brass lock, which The Man had engraved all of our names onto. We searched for a good place to put it where we hoped it wouldn't be removed. Who knows if it will last an eternity, but it was fun doing it.
One thing many of our friends have asked us about was how the Korean people responded to Little Man. We often get double takes here in the states, and in Korea, it was the same. People would see him and smile at him, then I'd watch their eyes travel up to look at us. Some people went out of their way to smile and nod at us. Some of the older people would seem to have a look of disdain or anger on their faces. Not sure if they always looked like that or if it was a reflection of how they felt about Westerners adopting Korean children.
Overwhelmingly though, the interactions were on the positive. People treated us as they treated others with young children, standing up to give us a seat on the subway, etc. Many people asked us if he was Korean. Then they wanted to know if he was 100% Korean. And many asked if we were his parents. Even if they couldn't speak English, we got questions when they would point to him, and then point to us questioningly.
One thing Little Man struggled with was that Koreans tend to be touch and feel children, even when they don't know the child. Americans are a bit more reserved in this. A stranger might reach out to pet Little Man's arm if they are talking to us about him, but Koreans just got right in his face. They would touch his hair or tickle his cheek. Some people whom we had just met actually wanted to take him from our arms and hold him. He doesn't like people being in his space so he usually turned away or refused to look at them. I don't blame him.
The other thing I found really funny was Koreans CANNOT HANDLE A CRYING CHILD. Seriously. They lose their minds when a baby or kid is crying. Several times in our trip Little Man would cry if he was tired, but usually as a result of me telling him he couldn't do something. Women would then run over to us, saying oh-gee-mah (which means don't cry) and start giving him things. While we were visiting the sister of our Korean teacher (here in Wisconsin), Little Man started crying and she dug in her purse and handed him a Lego watch (which we later saw in the store for $30!!). I thought she was just entertaining him but she refused to take it back! A stranger gave him a fresh roll of vitamin drops after he threw a fit about wearing a hanbok. The flight attendant gave him a bunch of stickers when he fussed because he couldn't have a third brownie during the flight. The list goes on and on. Our boy is smart enough to come up with tactical plans that benefit him, so I'm sure if we lived there he'd be throwing fits in public all the time. Eek.
One of the most emotional and beautiful things about our trip was visiting with Little Man's foster parents. We have not been in contact with them since Little Man came home. I had sent back a book and USB drive with videos, and written them letters, but hadn't had any response from them. I wasn't sure if they were interested in seeing him or not, but contacted our agency and asked them to let the foster family know that Little Man would be with us on the trip and if they wanted to meet, we'd love to.
Happily, they said yes! They live about an hour outside of Seoul and our visit with them happened on our last day there. It was so great to see them! They arrived with a 3 1/2 year old boy and I thought it was another foster. But it ends up that after Little Man left Korea they were really heartbroken. He was their 5th foster and they decided they couldn't do it anymore.
They had done special needs placements and when a baby was relinquished with severe special needs, the agency had called them for an emergency placement until a foster home could be found. They took the sweet boy, and ADOPTED HIM!! The Foster Mother apologized over and again for not staying in touch or responding to any of our letters, but explained they had been very busy with multiple surgeries and doctor's appointments caring for their new son. Really, I didn't expect them to respond, I just wanted them to know that Little Man was OK!
They couldn't get over how grown Little Man is and thought he was even cuter now that he speaks English. Ha! They were surprised to see how he continued to eat through our entire meeting and expressed concern that he might get fat. That totally cracked us up. This child doesn't know how to sit still for a minute and he burns calories faster than he can get them in. And, I think it's a funny insight into Korean culture that they are worried about his weight!
They shared that the family used to call him "inhyung" which means "doll" because Little Man was such a pretty baby. They miss him a lot and said the entire family will gather to watch the videos we send on the USB, and often cry. They are so happy he is doing well and pleased that he is learning Korean and exposed to Korean culture.
Little Man and their son got on well and Little Man was so sweet in sharing his toys and snacks. Their son is basically blind, having only limited vision from the corner of his eye, if things are about 2 inches away. This was hard for Little Man to understand, but he was incredibly kind to him. We were proud.
I gave them a website where we load photos and videos so they can see him anytime they want. And they were thrilled to know that we plan on returning with both boys in the years ahead. They also gifted Little Man with an AMAZING hanbok. The first hanbok they sent him home with three years ago still fits, but just barely! We've received so many compliments on it because it's very high quality silk and embroidery. His new one is just as gorgeous and should fit him until he's 6-7 (unless he gets fat, ha!). We agreed to keep writing letters and to try and stay in touch.
After a huge photo session, Little Man showered them with hugs and kisses (he had been restrained until then). Foster Mom got teary holding him again and said it felt so good to have him back in her arms. We were all crying by that point. It's just so amazing to know how deeply these children are loved by their foster parents before they leave. Little Man was only with them four months but they have enough love for him for his lifetime! It's really a powerful thing. By far, one of the most amazing moments of our trip.
2.17.2014
Our Korean adventure, part I: Meeting our son
Eek. Back a week and haven't posted yet! I blame jet lag. Here's the details!
Monday was the big day...time to meet Little Brother! We arrived early but our foster mother was earlier. When we walked in, there he was! At least we thought it was him. In our photos he was sporting a 90s rock star hair cut, but this tiny person was wearing ruffles and a Dorothy Hamil hairstyle. Then he turned and I saw those cheeks and knew it was him.
It was sort of a shock seeing him in person. Totally surreal. For our first meeting, we met him at the agency which I have to say I didn't like. (We met Little Man at his foster home the first time. Much more personal and the baby seems much more comfortable.) The agency was overflowing with visiting families. There were at least 4 there at the same time as us and both the playrooms were full, so we just played with him in the corner in the seating area. One family was actually meeting & playing with their child in the hallway!
Little Man was really great with Little Brother and gave him a toy giraffe we had brought him. He also offered him a mini M&M, which of course, Little Brother spit out and trailed a blue streak down his cheek and shirt. Foster mother gave us a dirty look and scolded Little Man in Korean. We weren't off to a good start.
Our social worker was running between all the families so we weren't able to communicate at all with the foster mother. And then, when the playroom opened up, they told us we could go in and have "family time", which meant they handed Little Brother to us and said if he cried they would return.
Foster mother left and of course, it took Little Brother all of 30 seconds to start sobbing. Unfortunately that set the tone for the rest of the visit and after foster mom came back in, Little Brother wouldn't leave her side. We worked really hard to try and play with him, but he's deeply connected to foster mother and just wasn't interested.
At the end of our visit we finally got him to briefly interact with us. He has a funny little laugh and hides his face when he smiles. He sits with his legs spread wide open, nearly in splits, and loves slapping them open and closed very fast, tossing anything that might be between them. He is incredibly strong although not really big. He's running about two pounds heavier than Little Man did at his age. But Little Brother's head is as big as Little Man's head is right now! Lots of brains, I hope.
His favorite pastime seems to be throwing. Anything and everything. If you give him something, it's a sure bet that he will toss it. And he can throw really far! I watched foster mother get clocked in the head at least 4 times with a block. Bless her heart, she never even flinched.
Little Man did pretty well at trying to play with his brother. He'd go up and try to tickle Little Brother, or take a toy to him. Trying to concentrate on Little Brother was a bit tough with our oldest in the room. Little Man did need some extra attention and by the end of the visit, he kept getting into things we had asked him not to, and turning the volume up on one toy really loud. But overall, I thought he handled it beautifully.
At the end of our first visit, I felt OK. It wasn't a great visit, but also wasn't horrible.
Our second visit was much the same. Foster family lives about 40 minutes outside of Seoul so it was a drive to get there. Little Brother and foster mom were definitely more relaxed at their home. We got a few more smiles out of him, but he's a tough character. Just when he started to show interest, he'd quickly turn towards foster mom and turn his back to us. I held him a few times, briefly. Once when the foster mother left the room and I tried to console him. And a second time when we attempted a family photo. Neither time went well for us.
We did see more of his personality. He is shy, curious, and determined. When there is something he wants, he has a singular focus. He's very engaged with his foster mom and it's obvious that the two have a very strong bond. He loves musical toys or anything that blinks, but is such a strong kid that he's broken all of the toys by throwing them! And he's a crazy baby when food is present. The foster mom was holding him with one arm around his waist and shoving food in his mouth with the other. She could hardly get it in fast enough. It was like trying to hand feed a hyena. I couldn't stop laughing as I watched the craziness. I did hold him on my lap for a few minutes while the foster mom tried to jam food into his mouth. He let me feed him a few bites too. He's a great eater but he doesn't like bananas.
He still isn't walking, but he did pull himself up to standing very quickly and easily. We saw him stand alone for a bit, but he's not ready to walk around yet. But he can army crawl lightning fast!
The boys did interact very sweetly at the end of the visit. Little Brother was on his foster mother's back, and Little Man asked to get up on The Man's back. The adults stood side by side and the boys leaned over and laughed in each others faces which was incredibly cute and sweet. A vision of what they'll be like in a few months!
The visit ended quickly, as they all seem to do. Never enough time! Little Man shyly whispered to The Man that he wanted to hug his brother good-bye. Very sweet. Little Brother wasn't exactly sure he wanted to be hugged, but Little Man was undeterred. He then gave him a kiss on the head. Very kind and gentle. So proud of our big boy!
I kissed those chunky cheeks a few more times and got a few smiles. And then we were off.
I can't tell you how hard it was to leave. It's a strange feeling to meet your child and then leave without him. So much different than Little Man's adoption process.
I was also really bummed because I didn't feel like we had gained much ground with Little Brother and felt very anxious for days. Although we only met Little Man once before we took custody, we had such great interactions with him right from the start that it was easy to feel positive during those times of fear and doubt about becoming a parent. With Little Brother, he's much more reserved and cautious. I worry about how our transition will be and know that his expressions of grief are going to be much more obvious and greater than Little Man's were.
As we left, The Man smiled with tears in his eyes and said he knew that everything was going to be OK. I wish I left feeling as confident. All those ugly thoughts about your weaknesses as a parent started rearing their heads. I know that most parents have this experience at one time or another when bringing a child home, adopted or biological. I guess that I'm glad I'm worried. Glad I'm fearful. That means I'm aware of the challenges ahead of us. If I went into it clueless and feeling that it was going to be easy, I'd likely have a shock.
Fortunately, we have many friends who have been through this, and many relay stories about their children that are much more similar to our interaction with Little Brother than to Little Man's. I know that we'll come through the other side one day at a time. Heck, more likely it will be one moment at a time.
I thought it would be much less daunting since we had done it once before. But now, it seems so much harder than the first time. Maybe because we know just how hard it is to watch a child be scared and grieve. Oh, my heart breaks already.
Stay tuned for more about our trip!
Monday was the big day...time to meet Little Brother! We arrived early but our foster mother was earlier. When we walked in, there he was! At least we thought it was him. In our photos he was sporting a 90s rock star hair cut, but this tiny person was wearing ruffles and a Dorothy Hamil hairstyle. Then he turned and I saw those cheeks and knew it was him.
It was sort of a shock seeing him in person. Totally surreal. For our first meeting, we met him at the agency which I have to say I didn't like. (We met Little Man at his foster home the first time. Much more personal and the baby seems much more comfortable.) The agency was overflowing with visiting families. There were at least 4 there at the same time as us and both the playrooms were full, so we just played with him in the corner in the seating area. One family was actually meeting & playing with their child in the hallway!
Little Man was really great with Little Brother and gave him a toy giraffe we had brought him. He also offered him a mini M&M, which of course, Little Brother spit out and trailed a blue streak down his cheek and shirt. Foster mother gave us a dirty look and scolded Little Man in Korean. We weren't off to a good start.
Our social worker was running between all the families so we weren't able to communicate at all with the foster mother. And then, when the playroom opened up, they told us we could go in and have "family time", which meant they handed Little Brother to us and said if he cried they would return.
Foster mother left and of course, it took Little Brother all of 30 seconds to start sobbing. Unfortunately that set the tone for the rest of the visit and after foster mom came back in, Little Brother wouldn't leave her side. We worked really hard to try and play with him, but he's deeply connected to foster mother and just wasn't interested.
At the end of our visit we finally got him to briefly interact with us. He has a funny little laugh and hides his face when he smiles. He sits with his legs spread wide open, nearly in splits, and loves slapping them open and closed very fast, tossing anything that might be between them. He is incredibly strong although not really big. He's running about two pounds heavier than Little Man did at his age. But Little Brother's head is as big as Little Man's head is right now! Lots of brains, I hope.
His favorite pastime seems to be throwing. Anything and everything. If you give him something, it's a sure bet that he will toss it. And he can throw really far! I watched foster mother get clocked in the head at least 4 times with a block. Bless her heart, she never even flinched.
Little Man did pretty well at trying to play with his brother. He'd go up and try to tickle Little Brother, or take a toy to him. Trying to concentrate on Little Brother was a bit tough with our oldest in the room. Little Man did need some extra attention and by the end of the visit, he kept getting into things we had asked him not to, and turning the volume up on one toy really loud. But overall, I thought he handled it beautifully.
At the end of our first visit, I felt OK. It wasn't a great visit, but also wasn't horrible.
Our second visit was much the same. Foster family lives about 40 minutes outside of Seoul so it was a drive to get there. Little Brother and foster mom were definitely more relaxed at their home. We got a few more smiles out of him, but he's a tough character. Just when he started to show interest, he'd quickly turn towards foster mom and turn his back to us. I held him a few times, briefly. Once when the foster mother left the room and I tried to console him. And a second time when we attempted a family photo. Neither time went well for us.
We did see more of his personality. He is shy, curious, and determined. When there is something he wants, he has a singular focus. He's very engaged with his foster mom and it's obvious that the two have a very strong bond. He loves musical toys or anything that blinks, but is such a strong kid that he's broken all of the toys by throwing them! And he's a crazy baby when food is present. The foster mom was holding him with one arm around his waist and shoving food in his mouth with the other. She could hardly get it in fast enough. It was like trying to hand feed a hyena. I couldn't stop laughing as I watched the craziness. I did hold him on my lap for a few minutes while the foster mom tried to jam food into his mouth. He let me feed him a few bites too. He's a great eater but he doesn't like bananas.
He still isn't walking, but he did pull himself up to standing very quickly and easily. We saw him stand alone for a bit, but he's not ready to walk around yet. But he can army crawl lightning fast!
The boys did interact very sweetly at the end of the visit. Little Brother was on his foster mother's back, and Little Man asked to get up on The Man's back. The adults stood side by side and the boys leaned over and laughed in each others faces which was incredibly cute and sweet. A vision of what they'll be like in a few months!
The visit ended quickly, as they all seem to do. Never enough time! Little Man shyly whispered to The Man that he wanted to hug his brother good-bye. Very sweet. Little Brother wasn't exactly sure he wanted to be hugged, but Little Man was undeterred. He then gave him a kiss on the head. Very kind and gentle. So proud of our big boy!
I kissed those chunky cheeks a few more times and got a few smiles. And then we were off.
I can't tell you how hard it was to leave. It's a strange feeling to meet your child and then leave without him. So much different than Little Man's adoption process.
I was also really bummed because I didn't feel like we had gained much ground with Little Brother and felt very anxious for days. Although we only met Little Man once before we took custody, we had such great interactions with him right from the start that it was easy to feel positive during those times of fear and doubt about becoming a parent. With Little Brother, he's much more reserved and cautious. I worry about how our transition will be and know that his expressions of grief are going to be much more obvious and greater than Little Man's were.
As we left, The Man smiled with tears in his eyes and said he knew that everything was going to be OK. I wish I left feeling as confident. All those ugly thoughts about your weaknesses as a parent started rearing their heads. I know that most parents have this experience at one time or another when bringing a child home, adopted or biological. I guess that I'm glad I'm worried. Glad I'm fearful. That means I'm aware of the challenges ahead of us. If I went into it clueless and feeling that it was going to be easy, I'd likely have a shock.
Fortunately, we have many friends who have been through this, and many relay stories about their children that are much more similar to our interaction with Little Brother than to Little Man's. I know that we'll come through the other side one day at a time. Heck, more likely it will be one moment at a time.
I thought it would be much less daunting since we had done it once before. But now, it seems so much harder than the first time. Maybe because we know just how hard it is to watch a child be scared and grieve. Oh, my heart breaks already.
Stay tuned for more about our trip!
1.21.2014
Traveling with a toddler
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| Toddler travel supplies. |
Over all, we are really excited to have this opportunity to do it with him. Had there been only the single required trip (as when we brought Little Man home) we wouldn't have done this. I can only imagine an international flight with one squirmy boy at a time! So, while more expensive and time consuming, the multiple required trips are allowing Little Man to participate in a huge part of the process.
Now, for the actual travel preparations!
I'll post after we returned with parent-tested toddler travel tips. Here's some of the things we are doing to prepare for the trip.
FLIGHT:
We enrolled him in the frequent flyer programs for our airlines. If we are paying the fare, we want the miles! For children, some airlines require a special form that you must fill out (instead of an online application) so it takes a little more time to process.We are flying Korean Air which is a Delta partner, which means we'll get miles to use here in the states for our trip to Korea.
I've also been crazy trying to find lots of new things for Little Man to do on the plane. Korean Air has screens on each seat with lots of movies, games, music and videos. And we have an iPad. But our guy's tolerance for screen time is only about an hour. He's just not interested in it after that.
Many experienced traveling toddler parents say to give the kids something new every hour. We have a 14-hour flight. Each direction. That's a boatload of stuff. I've built a small arsenal of activities he might enjoy. My parameters were that they had to be quiet, simple, not a lot of pieces and small/lightweight. The picture shows just some of it. I also have playdoh, pipe cleaners, tape/post-it notes (he loves to make "letters") and some little activities I found on Pinterest. It totally looks like overkill, but it packs down small, into 2 gallon sized bags (one for each trip). I'd rather be prepared than not!
Snacks are a must. Little Man eats non-stop. Half our carry-on weight will be food. You think I'm joking. I'm not! There's also suckers for take-offs/landings.
I'm debating on bringing the CARES harness. When he was younger I was able to keep him in the harness for takeoff and landings. But the majority of the time he screamed when he was in it although it would stay in his seat with the seatbelt on. I think we are erring on the simple side this time and going without.
Korean Air gives amazing family service. Last time we flew we were given a gift bag with some small toys, snacks, wipes, kleenex, etc to make his flight easier. This trip, a representative called us this week (they said they call everyone who is flying with children) to confirm meal choices and choose our seats. We are sitting on a side with our own row. Korean Air also brings all families to the front of the line and lets them board early. LOVE!
GETTING AROUND:
My worst nightmare---Little Man darts off (as he is wont to do) and gets lost in a sea of people. No one will look for the white people as the parents of a Korean kid. To avoid writing my name all over his body in Sharpie, I opted to use these safety tattoos. I'll probably have at least 3 of these on his body at any one time!
Koreans don't use car seats and most of the time we'll be traveling via subway, so we won't be bringing a car seat along. We are debating bringing an umbrella stroller (but leaning on the not bringing it side). It might be nice while rushing through airports and customs, but Seoul is not a very stroller friendly place. Little Man still fits in the Ergo, though the thought of 30-pounds on our backs isn't thrilling. However, it does get us through the airports quickly and he's easier to keep track of that way.
I've been tearing up the Web looking for kid-friendly things to do in Seoul. The Kids Fun in Seoul website has been particularly helpful. I'm hoping to get some shopping in, but realize that this trip will be our first foray into really international traveling with a child, and know that we'll have to go slow and do fewer things than we used to on international trips. Each day we only have one commitment (court, meeting with Little Brother, visiting with foster family, etc) and I'm hoping we can do at least one other fun activity each day. Other than that, I'm keeping my expectations low. Really, really low.
Which leads us to the hotel. Since we might be spending a good deal of time there, it was important to find a good one. We are staying in a serviced residence hotel which means it comes with a small kitchenette & laundyr. This will allow Little Man to eat some of the comfort foods he likes, and we won't have to drag him to meals all the time. I think this will take a lot of stress off of all of us.
Just over a week and we'll be heading out! Wahoo!
Resources:
Safety Tats: http://www.safetytat.com/
Delta Minor Skymiles form: https://content.delta.com/content/dam/delta-www/pdfs/skymiles/SkyMiles_Enrollment_under13.pdf
20 Things To Do With Kids In Seoul: http://kidsfuninseoul.wordpress.com/2013/09/05/20-things-to-do-with-kids-in-seoul/
1.18.2014
Making plans
What a busy week! It always catches me by surprise how this process if filled with starts and stalls. You wait and wait and wait and think that nothing is happening, and then, next thing you know, you are behind the game and scrambling to catch up. It's all a very good thing though, right? Must stop complaining right this instant!!
Immediately following our travel notice, there's an insane 24-hours where you have to plan your entire trip and frantically make arrangements both stateside and across the world. The agency sets up the visits and court date. As for travel arrangements, it's up to you.
At first our agency wanted us to do some crazy whirlwind tour, arriving on Feb. 2, meeting Little Brother Feb. 3 and going to court Feb. 4. They said we'd have a second visit with Little Brother on Feb. 4 after court and then could leave on Feb. 5.
That was little too fast and furious for our preference. Especially since we are bringing Little Man with us! We knew we'd need to take things a lot slower to give him some time to get grounded and have the best possible trip.
After lots of back and forths with our agency and Korea, we managed to revise the schedule. Here's our itinerary:
Jan. 29: Head to Chicago, goof around, head to bed early.
Jan. 30: Fly to Seoul!
Jan. 31: Arrive in Seoul
Feb. 1-2: Recover and explore
Feb. 3: Meet Little Brother! The first meeting will be at our agency's office.
Feb. 4: Court date
Feb. 5: Second visit with Little Brother, this time at his foster home.
Feb. 6: Visit with Little Man's foster mother.
Feb. 7: Return to the states.
We've planned one major thing each day and depending on how Little Man is doing, we'll do as much exploring and adventuring as we can.
I have to admit, bringing Little Man along on this trip has made it a much morestressful interesting experience so far. We are super excited to see Little Brother, but a lot excitement is shelved right now as we make plans for traveling with a very busy and passionate three-year-old. The 13.5 hour flight is a scary, but more, I'm worried that the 15-hour time difference and extreme change of setting will mean we have a grumpy tyrant to deal with all week. And the #1 thing I stress about is that he'll have a meltdown during court or during our visits with Little Brother.
I know we can't control all of that, so I'm trying to make sure I have things that will help him feel comfortable and know that he's still our special boy. We plan on doing things much more slowly that we would if it were just the two of us traveling. It's scary, but really, we are so excited to have him experience a place we talk about so often! It wasn't an easy decision to bring him, and it certainly would be easier to have him stay, but we really wanted to do this as a family.
In the meanwhile, Mama is running on the delicate edge of deliriously happy and total freak out. My lists of things to do before we go is pages (PAGES!!) long. Finding the last little gifts for the foster family, having enough things to entertain Little Man on the plane, researching places we want to try and check out which are kid friendly, finding a new dress for court, and where are those outlet adapters???!! You get the idea.
Off to do more shopping/planning.
If you have any travel tips with little ones, be sure to share!
Immediately following our travel notice, there's an insane 24-hours where you have to plan your entire trip and frantically make arrangements both stateside and across the world. The agency sets up the visits and court date. As for travel arrangements, it's up to you.
At first our agency wanted us to do some crazy whirlwind tour, arriving on Feb. 2, meeting Little Brother Feb. 3 and going to court Feb. 4. They said we'd have a second visit with Little Brother on Feb. 4 after court and then could leave on Feb. 5.
That was little too fast and furious for our preference. Especially since we are bringing Little Man with us! We knew we'd need to take things a lot slower to give him some time to get grounded and have the best possible trip.
After lots of back and forths with our agency and Korea, we managed to revise the schedule. Here's our itinerary:
Jan. 29: Head to Chicago, goof around, head to bed early.
Jan. 30: Fly to Seoul!
Jan. 31: Arrive in Seoul
Feb. 1-2: Recover and explore
Feb. 3: Meet Little Brother! The first meeting will be at our agency's office.
Feb. 4: Court date
Feb. 5: Second visit with Little Brother, this time at his foster home.
Feb. 6: Visit with Little Man's foster mother.
Feb. 7: Return to the states.
We've planned one major thing each day and depending on how Little Man is doing, we'll do as much exploring and adventuring as we can.
I have to admit, bringing Little Man along on this trip has made it a much more
I know we can't control all of that, so I'm trying to make sure I have things that will help him feel comfortable and know that he's still our special boy. We plan on doing things much more slowly that we would if it were just the two of us traveling. It's scary, but really, we are so excited to have him experience a place we talk about so often! It wasn't an easy decision to bring him, and it certainly would be easier to have him stay, but we really wanted to do this as a family.
In the meanwhile, Mama is running on the delicate edge of deliriously happy and total freak out. My lists of things to do before we go is pages (PAGES!!) long. Finding the last little gifts for the foster family, having enough things to entertain Little Man on the plane, researching places we want to try and check out which are kid friendly, finding a new dress for court, and where are those outlet adapters???!! You get the idea.
Off to do more shopping/planning.
If you have any travel tips with little ones, be sure to share!
10.21.2013
Care Package!
This here internet thing is truly wonderful! I belong to a few groups of mamas who are waiting to bring children home from Korea. Another adoptive mama that I met on Facebook announced she was finally heading to Korea to bring her daughter home (yay!!). I quickly asked if she'd carry a care package for us and she agreed!
The MPS (Mama Postal Service) comes to the rescue once again. Some agencies allow waiting families to ship packages to Korea, but ours does not. They also do not carry packages, so the only way for us to get something to Dongsaeng is to send it with another traveling family.
We needed to get things together quickly and be thoughtful about what we were going to include. Because someone else is carrying this in their luggage and then has to lug it over to the agency in Korea, it needs to be small and compact. Somehow the gallon ziplock bag rule came to be a MPS standard (I think it was a requirement from another agency).
But our main goal was to send him some things that would help him get to know us, let him know we love him, and that will help him make the transition. You know...pretty much stuff the world into that tiny plastic bag.
After much laboring and debating and shopping, here's what we decided to send:
(Bottom left, clockwise)
- B. Hellophone: My good friend M. gave Little Man one of these phones shortly after he came home and he loved it! It has plenty of buttons to press and you can record a short message. LM decided to say Annyonghasayo (hello in Korean) to his new brother!
- The Very Hungry Caterpillar Soft Book: One of LM's favorite bedtime reads in a soft, chewable edition.
- A very special flannel blanket made with love by Grandma!
- A new outfit from Gymboree. Couldn't resist the cheesy Little Brother onesie!
- Sophie The Giraffe Teething Ring: Little Brother is cutting teeth, so this tiny-sized Sophie was just right.
- Knuffle Bunny: A tiny plushie From the Elephant and Piggie book series.
- Sassy Look Book: A photo album. Personally, I think this tiny look book is a bit on the small side, but space was getting tight! It has 8 pages so there are photos of us and our home here for Little Brother to look at. We'll be sending more photos of us in our next care package.
- Disposable Cameras: Of course I had to send something to take photos, but really, most Koreans are way ahead of Americans in terms of technology so this is sort of like sending a stone tablet to write on. However, it's an easy way to send the message that we cherish and value photos. We did the same with LM and his foster mother used the disposables, but she also shot a ton of photos with her great camera and had them printed and put into a giant photo album. Hope Little Brother is as lucky!
- Thumb drive: We included a thumb drive (see the tiny white thing?) that has videos of us on it. We were hoping that they will have a way to play this for Little Brother so he'll be able to get to know us a bit better.
- Foster family gifts: Oh yeah, and when that ziplock was filled to the gills, I also included a package of Starbucks VIA and two giant gourmet chocolate bars. And a thank-you letter (which we had translated) thanking them for caring for our son, and introducing our family.
I couldn't help smiling as I packed that special package. Thank goodness I got my super packing skills from my Mom! Every square inch of that bag was stuffed.
And while I packed it, I started to get very excited. Dongsaeng would be holding something we had actually picked for him! Our journey to him has been filled with stops and starts and anxious worries. He just seems so far away and I haven't really felt connected to him yet.
Shopping together for the care package and talking about what Little Brother would like made me feel like this is actually going to happen!! It started to seem tangible and real. And finally, there is finally a connection between us than just paperwork. I just feel so happy thinking about him snuggling with his new blankie, or hearing Little Man's voice on the telephone.
Little Man gave the bag one last hug before we shipped it out to the traveling mom, and on Oct. 10, she hand delivered our package to SWS in Korea!
Hooray for the MPS!!
And in the Something To Look Forward To category...another good friend who is waiting to bring her daughter home from Korea will be traveling soon. Starting to gear up for care package #2! Any ideas???
9.30.2013
The adoption roller coaster
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| Flickr photo by Tiffa Day |
The anticipation. Lurching forward. Twists! Turns! Jerking to a stop.
A crazy, thrilling, wild roller coaster ride.
That's exactly what our second adoption process feels like. Guess that's karma---our first one was soooo easy.
After ending last week on a super high note following our EP submission, this week's MPAK post states that the Korean Ministry will be moving their offices soon, and undergoing some staffing changes. If past performances are an indicator, that means a slow down in EP approval. Which means a likely delay on our EP approval.
Ugh.
And now, there is the threat of the government shut down on the U.S. side. If that happens, non-essential government work, including adoption processes which rely on federal paperwork, would cease. We are still awaiting our i600 approval so this is quite concerning.
Double ugh.
For me, the wait to become a family of four is exponentially harder after getting a referral. Looking at Dongsaeng's (Little brother) face every day, wondering what he's doing, what things he's learning...it's just tough.
I'm ready for the roller coaster to end. But I know we have a ways to go. We are in the thick of it now, so I'm giving myself space to acknowledge that it's tough. That it's painful.
This is part of our journey to Dongsaeng.
Like being on that roller coaster, if you start getting sick on the ride, you can try to focus on a fixed point to get you through. I need to focus on the long-term outcome. To stay strong and positive.
Here's what we've been doing to work through the wait:
First, we are concentrating on learning Korean. Because Dongsaeng will probably be 15-17 months old when he comes home, the language gap will be much bigger than when Little Man came home. (More on this in another post.)
Second, make some room! We live in a small home, but it has a big basement. The basement currently looks like a scene out of Hoarders (maybe not quite that bad) so we've been busy listing things on Craigslist and moving them out. More room, more cash. Win, win!! And it would be great to have a giant play area for the boys this winter.
Third, we are concentrating on Little Man and enjoying the last few months of our lives as a family of three. Little Man has made some giant steps these past few months (potty training, big boy bed) and we want to help him continue to find security and confidence. We know things are going to get a bit crazy for a while after Dongsaeng comes home, so we want to try and keep things on a nice even keel for now.
*****
As I write this, things have changed yet again. Two days after it was announced that the Ministry was moving and they would be having a staffing change, the move was pushed back until December. Hopefully that means our EP will be able to clear the Ministry before the move (fingers crossed).
And, in this LA Times story: "At the Department of Homeland Security, which includes....Immigration and Customs Enforcement, most of the 231,117 workers would remain on the job. Officials said 31,295 would be furloughed." Hopefully the workers we need to approve our i600 are in the group remaining on the job.
It's very easy to get anxious about each twist and turn that comes along. I keep reminding myself not to worry about what ifs, and to take things as they happen.
Because roller coasters are fun and all, but at some point, you just want to be on solid ground.
6.04.2013
South Korea adoptions and the Hague Convention
OK. Get ready for a very insider-baseball long and rambling post here. If you aren't an active watcher of what's happening with the Korea adoption program, this probably won't be of interest to you.
So, last week there was a small news story. South Korea signed the Hague treaty. Here's a short news brief about it.
It's really quite a shock. There has been pressure from anti-adoption groups to ratify Hague in Korea, but there hadn't been much public discussion about it. So the sudden signing is quite surprising and leaves many wondering what other changes are in store.
Right now most agencies have no idea what this new change will mean or how it will be implemented. But I thought it would be good to learn a little more about Hague to see how it might impact the process for families.
Under Hague, adoptees would be issued an IR-3 visa. This visa is issued when families have seen the child prior to the adoption, the relinquishment background of the child is thoroughly vetted, and the adoption is completed in the birth country. Children do not need to be re-adopted in the U.S., but they probably would have to go through a court procedure to change names, and many families opt to complete the certificate of citizenship.
The I-800A and I-800 must be approved in order. The I-800A is filed only after the child has been referred to the family, and they may not gain custody until the I-800 is conditionally approved. The I-800A is valid 15-months from date of approval with one free extension, with additional extensions costing $340.
Allegedly the reason Korea has not joined the "Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption is because Korea holds reservations regarding paragraph (a) of article 21 of the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child." This info is from a PBS story by documentary film maker Jane Jeong Trenka, who is an outspoken anti-international adoption advocate. She didn't cite where she got this info, so it's hard to weigh it's validity.
That paragraph reads:
Certainly, the recent approach in contacting birth mothers to verify their relinquishment of the child before the completion of an adoption seems to address this point.
The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child stated South Korea does not keep adequate record There have also been complaints about adoptee access to birth records, unclear relinquishments, orphanage kidnapping, poor record keeping, poor post-adoption services, and identity swaps. Because of the strict rules that Hague sets forth in identifying who is eligible to be adopted, many of these concerns would be given more careful scrutiny.
Hague also puts a much stronger emphasis on trying to place children in need, first with family members, next, within their country of origin, and thirdly, given the option of international adoption. This is Korea's general policy now, but it will be more formally approached.
I had a long chat with my local social worker (who is freaking amazing!) and since she works with both Hague and non-Hague international adoptions, and has worked on programs who have ratified the treaty, she had a little insight.
In other programs, families who had their homestudies already in country were grandfathered in. If Korea operates as other countries have done (which is a big IF), this means the home studies that are already in Korea will not have to be reprocessed using Hague regulations.
If a I-600a is already on file and approved, then USCIS will not require an I-800 to be filed. The I-600s can be extended but when the limit of extensions has been used up, the I-600 will have to be converted to an I-800. According to our social worker, this is a terribly messy and time-consuming endeavor. A background check must be done on every person in the household who is over 18, in every state/city they have lived in. Ick.
This is all the information I've been able to gather about what the ratification might mean for those of us in process. If anyone else has more to add, please comment!
There are a few other benefits:
*The convention requires sending countries to provide adopting parents with comprehensive information regarding medical records and translations of them. Korea has historically had some of the best medical records for IA, but this is another opportunity to ensure transparency.
*Sending countries must certify that birth parents made the choice to relinquish free of undue influence.
*Background and adoption records must now be kept for a minimum of 75 years. Allegedly, many adoptees have complained that Korea does not have adequate record keeping, or in some cases, has been outright unlawful. Adoptees can request their files after 13/15/18 years old (depending on agency) and many have been told they were lost, burned in a fire, or other stories. On occasion, stories like those are covering up deceit or illegal activities where the adoption was concerned. The more transparency, the better.
*The definition of what child is adoptable is different with Hague. A child with two known birth parents who are unable to care for the child, can now be considered eligible (vs. single surviving birth parent who cannot care for him). According to an Adoptive Families article, "One advantage to this new definition is that birth mothers relinquishing children for adoption into the U.S. may no longer feel they have to lie about the existence of a father, allowing adopting families access to more accurate information."
*Adopters will have access to national databases with information about their agencies and complaints about them. This gives us the power to make more informed decisions about who we are working with and what type of service we can anticipate. I'm not sure if this includes the Korean agencies or not.
So, as with everything in the Korea program, it's a watch and wait situation. Sending lots of love and support to families who are dealing with all this right now!
So, last week there was a small news story. South Korea signed the Hague treaty. Here's a short news brief about it.
It's really quite a shock. There has been pressure from anti-adoption groups to ratify Hague in Korea, but there hadn't been much public discussion about it. So the sudden signing is quite surprising and leaves many wondering what other changes are in store.
Right now most agencies have no idea what this new change will mean or how it will be implemented. But I thought it would be good to learn a little more about Hague to see how it might impact the process for families.
An overview of the Hague Convention:
From the State Dept. website:- It requires that countries who are party to the Convention establish a Central Authority to be the authoritative source of information and point of contact in that country. The Department of State is the U.S. Central Authority for the Convention.
- It aims to prevent the abduction, sale of, or traffic in children, and it works to ensure that intercountry adoptions are in the best interests of children.
- It recognizes intercountry adoption as a means of offering the
advantage of a permanent home to a child when a suitable family has not
been found in the child's country of origin. It enables intercountry
adoption to take place when:
- The child has been deemed eligible for adoption by the child's country of birth; and
- Proper effort has been given to the child's adoption in its country of origin.
- It provides a formal international and intergovernmental recognition of intercountry adoption, working to ensure that adoptions under the Convention will generally be recognized and given effect in other party countries.
Program differences
Major differences between Hague and non-Hague processes are based on how children are classified as orphans. The actual definition of what an orphan is and the child's eligibility to be adopted determines what type of visa they are eligible for, and whether the child will be adopted in the U.S. or in the child's birth country.Visas:
Currently Korean adoptees exit with an IR-4 visa. According to Adoption.com "With the IR-4 visa, the foreign adoption does not meet the federal U.S. equivalent requirements of severing biological parent(s) ties and/or ensuring that both the adoptive parents and child have the same rights, responsibilities, and privileges." This means that the adoption must be completed in the U.S. This visa is also issued for families who have not spent time with the child prior to exiting the country.Under Hague, adoptees would be issued an IR-3 visa. This visa is issued when families have seen the child prior to the adoption, the relinquishment background of the child is thoroughly vetted, and the adoption is completed in the birth country. Children do not need to be re-adopted in the U.S., but they probably would have to go through a court procedure to change names, and many families opt to complete the certificate of citizenship.
USCIS:
This is where it can get a bit challenging on the paperwork end of things. Currently, for the Korea program adoptive parents file a I-600A and later an I-600. This isn't too tough. A fingerprint visit, and some paperwork. This paperwork can be filed concurrently, and is processed before the child is known to the adoptive parents. The I-600A is valid 18-months from the time of approval and can only be extended once.The I-800A and I-800 must be approved in order. The I-800A is filed only after the child has been referred to the family, and they may not gain custody until the I-800 is conditionally approved. The I-800A is valid 15-months from date of approval with one free extension, with additional extensions costing $340.
Parent Education:
Hague countries require an additional 10 hours of parent education, over and above the education hours required for the home study.Why the push for Hague:
The convention addresses some of the huge complaints that adoption revision groups in Korea have had about the international adoption program. Korea has been one of the top sending countries year after year and has had a reputation of running a very clean program. But there have been allegations of unclear record keeping or vague relinquishment approvals, or outright aggressive tactics by adoption centers.Allegedly the reason Korea has not joined the "Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption is because Korea holds reservations regarding paragraph (a) of article 21 of the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child." This info is from a PBS story by documentary film maker Jane Jeong Trenka, who is an outspoken anti-international adoption advocate. She didn't cite where she got this info, so it's hard to weigh it's validity.
That paragraph reads:
"(a) Ensure that the adoption of a child is authorized only by competent authorities who determine, in accordance with applicable law and procedures and on the basis of all pertinent and reliable information, that the adoption is permissible in view of the child's status concerning parents, relatives and legal guardians and that, if required, the persons concerned have given their informed consent to the adoption on the basis of such counselling as may be necessary;"
Certainly, the recent approach in contacting birth mothers to verify their relinquishment of the child before the completion of an adoption seems to address this point.
The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child stated South Korea does not keep adequate record There have also been complaints about adoptee access to birth records, unclear relinquishments, orphanage kidnapping, poor record keeping, poor post-adoption services, and identity swaps. Because of the strict rules that Hague sets forth in identifying who is eligible to be adopted, many of these concerns would be given more careful scrutiny.
Hague also puts a much stronger emphasis on trying to place children in need, first with family members, next, within their country of origin, and thirdly, given the option of international adoption. This is Korea's general policy now, but it will be more formally approached.
What does this all mean for families in process now?
Well, that's the million dollar question.I had a long chat with my local social worker (who is freaking amazing!) and since she works with both Hague and non-Hague international adoptions, and has worked on programs who have ratified the treaty, she had a little insight.
In other programs, families who had their homestudies already in country were grandfathered in. If Korea operates as other countries have done (which is a big IF), this means the home studies that are already in Korea will not have to be reprocessed using Hague regulations.
If a I-600a is already on file and approved, then USCIS will not require an I-800 to be filed. The I-600s can be extended but when the limit of extensions has been used up, the I-600 will have to be converted to an I-800. According to our social worker, this is a terribly messy and time-consuming endeavor. A background check must be done on every person in the household who is over 18, in every state/city they have lived in. Ick.
This is all the information I've been able to gather about what the ratification might mean for those of us in process. If anyone else has more to add, please comment!
The positive:
I think there is a lot of positives about Korea signing Hague, for all parties involved. For sure, it's aim is to ensure that the international adoptions are ethical and are accountable. Of course, no system is foolproof, but it's always good to have these systems in place to protect the children.There are a few other benefits:
*The convention requires sending countries to provide adopting parents with comprehensive information regarding medical records and translations of them. Korea has historically had some of the best medical records for IA, but this is another opportunity to ensure transparency.
*Sending countries must certify that birth parents made the choice to relinquish free of undue influence.
*Background and adoption records must now be kept for a minimum of 75 years. Allegedly, many adoptees have complained that Korea does not have adequate record keeping, or in some cases, has been outright unlawful. Adoptees can request their files after 13/15/18 years old (depending on agency) and many have been told they were lost, burned in a fire, or other stories. On occasion, stories like those are covering up deceit or illegal activities where the adoption was concerned. The more transparency, the better.
*The definition of what child is adoptable is different with Hague. A child with two known birth parents who are unable to care for the child, can now be considered eligible (vs. single surviving birth parent who cannot care for him). According to an Adoptive Families article, "One advantage to this new definition is that birth mothers relinquishing children for adoption into the U.S. may no longer feel they have to lie about the existence of a father, allowing adopting families access to more accurate information."
*Adopters will have access to national databases with information about their agencies and complaints about them. This gives us the power to make more informed decisions about who we are working with and what type of service we can anticipate. I'm not sure if this includes the Korean agencies or not.
So, as with everything in the Korea program, it's a watch and wait situation. Sending lots of love and support to families who are dealing with all this right now!
5.10.2013
Forever Family and Single Mom's Day in Korea
May 10, 2011
It was so surreal. There we were, halfway across the world,corralling holding this very wiggly 10-month-old boy, juggling bottles and gifts, and trying to listen to the final instructions from his foster parents and their parting wishes for his life.
We were all sobbing. Tears of joy. Tears of sadness.
This was the moment we became parents. The moment we had spent the past 1 1/2 years waiting for.
The workers rushed us to the elevator because surely, they knew that we would soon be overwhelmed with emotion.
I held our stoic boy in my arms. He was the only one not crying.
We got in the elevator. One last look at our social workers braced on each side of our foster mother as she wept.
The doors closed.
Hello and goodbye, in one moment.
*****
May 10, 2013
This year, we celebrate the second anniversary of our Forever Family! Our celebration is an evolving tradition: Little Man wakes. We have breakfast together as he opens a single gift that we purchased for him when we were in Korea. (We purchased the gifts with the intention that he'll open one each Family Day through his 18th birthday. Loved the idea (Thanks, Amy!) but boy, was it a lot of shopping!)
We talk about what is was like, that first day of our family. How we went back to the hotel and had no idea what to do next. How Little Man and The Man were both exhausted although it was early in the morning, so they fell asleep on the bed together. How I was too excited to sleep, and instead, stood over Little Man, watching his every breath.
This morning, we will take a photo together. And then we will part ways for the day. We will end our day with a special dinner.
It's a day that we cherish. But it's a bit ironic that as we celebrate our adoptive family, in Korea today they are celebrating the 3rd Annual Single Mom's Day. This day acknowledges the societal prejudices that exist against women in South Korea, which are the reason most children are placed for adoption.
Single Mom's Day will be held May 10-11 this year. The aim is to raise support and awareness for single mothers. It was actually started as a pushback and challenge to the South Korean government's other May 11 holiday---Adoption Day, a day to promote adoption within the country.
Being a single mother is a shameful endeavor in South Korea, much like it was nearly 50 years ago in the States. It can be nearly impossible to raise a child solo in South Korea. They cannot find jobs. Their families shun them. They cannot find a place to live. Child support is unenforced. And then there is the social discrimination the mother and child endure.
So with few options for financial or emotional support, many of these women see that they have only two options: adoption or abortion. Some data states that 92% of adoptees from South Korea are born to single mothers.
Single Mom's Day is a way to garner support for these women. To help be self sufficient and to deal with the stigma that is attached to unwed mothers. To help keep families together.
What I find fascinating is that much of this forward movement in mother's rights is being led by adoptees, many of whom were adopted abroad and have now returned to South Korea. They are advocating for young women who are making choices, under the same conditions as the adoptee's birth mothers.
But had not the adoptees been adopted abroad, would they have the passion, understanding and opinions about a mother's rights that are needed to change the status quo in Korea?
Not sure...something to think about. It's fascinating that while some people use tragedies, life changing events, or conditions as a reason to play the part of a victim in their lives, these same events/situations can empower others. It's their call to arms.
I applaud the adoptees for utilizing the experiences they have had to affect change in the world. And I hope that single mothers in South Korea are able to have more than just two options available to them someday.
In our lives, Little Man's mother made a choice, and whether she would have kept him if conditions were different there, we can't know. But we acknowledge that she did have a huge decision to make and our family was born, literally, from that decision.
In her honor, and in honor of other single mothers in Korea, we are adding a new tradition to our Family Day: we are donating each year to a charity or cause that supports unwed mothers in South Korea.
This year, we are donating to Ae Ran Won. It's a maternity home, but also has a facility where women can live and raise their children. They also support those who may have placed children for adoption but need further support. I learned of this charity through two very well known books I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children
and Dreaming a World: Korean Birth Mothers Tell Their Stories
.
Tonight, we will celebrate together as a family, keeping in our hearts the very special mother who birthed our amazing son and who made this day a possibility.
Please check out the links below to learn more about single motherhood in Korea.
***
Donate to Ae Ran Won: Help Us
A great audio story about Single Mothers Day: PRI's The World
Shame and Single Motherhood in South Korea: World Moms Blog
First person stories about single motherhood in South Korea: Omona They Didn't
Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network: http://www.kumsn.org/
Single Moms' Day in Korea: KoreaMaria
http://askakorean.blogspot.com/2011/05/ask-korean-news-adoption-day.html
It was so surreal. There we were, halfway across the world,
We were all sobbing. Tears of joy. Tears of sadness.
This was the moment we became parents. The moment we had spent the past 1 1/2 years waiting for.
The workers rushed us to the elevator because surely, they knew that we would soon be overwhelmed with emotion.
I held our stoic boy in my arms. He was the only one not crying.
We got in the elevator. One last look at our social workers braced on each side of our foster mother as she wept.
The doors closed.
Hello and goodbye, in one moment.
*****
May 10, 2013
This year, we celebrate the second anniversary of our Forever Family! Our celebration is an evolving tradition: Little Man wakes. We have breakfast together as he opens a single gift that we purchased for him when we were in Korea. (We purchased the gifts with the intention that he'll open one each Family Day through his 18th birthday. Loved the idea (Thanks, Amy!) but boy, was it a lot of shopping!)
We talk about what is was like, that first day of our family. How we went back to the hotel and had no idea what to do next. How Little Man and The Man were both exhausted although it was early in the morning, so they fell asleep on the bed together. How I was too excited to sleep, and instead, stood over Little Man, watching his every breath.
This morning, we will take a photo together. And then we will part ways for the day. We will end our day with a special dinner.
It's a day that we cherish. But it's a bit ironic that as we celebrate our adoptive family, in Korea today they are celebrating the 3rd Annual Single Mom's Day. This day acknowledges the societal prejudices that exist against women in South Korea, which are the reason most children are placed for adoption.
 |
| From Ae Ran Won site: Two birds represent mothers who have sent their babies away, and now work to overcome their immense pain. In time, they develop the life skills needed to help them fly toward the futures of their own choosing. |
Single Mom's Day will be held May 10-11 this year. The aim is to raise support and awareness for single mothers. It was actually started as a pushback and challenge to the South Korean government's other May 11 holiday---Adoption Day, a day to promote adoption within the country.
Being a single mother is a shameful endeavor in South Korea, much like it was nearly 50 years ago in the States. It can be nearly impossible to raise a child solo in South Korea. They cannot find jobs. Their families shun them. They cannot find a place to live. Child support is unenforced. And then there is the social discrimination the mother and child endure.
So with few options for financial or emotional support, many of these women see that they have only two options: adoption or abortion. Some data states that 92% of adoptees from South Korea are born to single mothers.
Single Mom's Day is a way to garner support for these women. To help be self sufficient and to deal with the stigma that is attached to unwed mothers. To help keep families together.
What I find fascinating is that much of this forward movement in mother's rights is being led by adoptees, many of whom were adopted abroad and have now returned to South Korea. They are advocating for young women who are making choices, under the same conditions as the adoptee's birth mothers.
But had not the adoptees been adopted abroad, would they have the passion, understanding and opinions about a mother's rights that are needed to change the status quo in Korea?
Not sure...something to think about. It's fascinating that while some people use tragedies, life changing events, or conditions as a reason to play the part of a victim in their lives, these same events/situations can empower others. It's their call to arms.
I applaud the adoptees for utilizing the experiences they have had to affect change in the world. And I hope that single mothers in South Korea are able to have more than just two options available to them someday.
In our lives, Little Man's mother made a choice, and whether she would have kept him if conditions were different there, we can't know. But we acknowledge that she did have a huge decision to make and our family was born, literally, from that decision.
In her honor, and in honor of other single mothers in Korea, we are adding a new tradition to our Family Day: we are donating each year to a charity or cause that supports unwed mothers in South Korea.
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| From Ae Ran Won site: A mother and her baby complete their preparation for self-support and good parenting. Together theyare ready to journey towards a better tomorrow. |
This year, we are donating to Ae Ran Won. It's a maternity home, but also has a facility where women can live and raise their children. They also support those who may have placed children for adoption but need further support. I learned of this charity through two very well known books I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children
and Dreaming a World: Korean Birth Mothers Tell Their Stories
.Tonight, we will celebrate together as a family, keeping in our hearts the very special mother who birthed our amazing son and who made this day a possibility.
Please check out the links below to learn more about single motherhood in Korea.
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Donate to Ae Ran Won: Help Us
A great audio story about Single Mothers Day: PRI's The World
Shame and Single Motherhood in South Korea: World Moms Blog
First person stories about single motherhood in South Korea: Omona They Didn't
Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network: http://www.kumsn.org/
Single Moms' Day in Korea: KoreaMaria
http://askakorean.blogspot.com/2011/05/ask-korean-news-adoption-day.html
2.27.2013
Travel Requirements for Korean adoptions: The Latest Sad News
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| Snow Day. |
We're at home today because of the snow. Which is good. Because I couldn't sleep a bit last night. And I keep crying.
The latest news from the Korea adoption from broke on the MPAK blog last night. Read the post HERE. For many families who are waiting, this news will end their journey to adopt from Korea. To summarize, the blog says that families will have an appearance in Korean courts, where both adoptive parents must be present. Once the judge determines if the suitability of the parents, then there will be a 14-day waiting period during which the birth mother can end the process if she chooses to parent. If the birth mother does not come forward, then the adoption can continue.
If it's true, it's devastating. The author of the blog has been staying on top of the changing rules and processes since the new law went into effect last year. It's' probably an accurate summary of the situation as it currently exists, or at least fairly close.
So, obviously this is a huge change in the process but as an AP, the birth mother provision is the scariest part. Keep in mind, that the birth mothers already waited out the 7-days after birth before being allowed to consent to adoption, and had another five-month waiting period in before children are eligible for international adoption. By the time the courts see the cases, these children are already 1-1 1/2 years old. While I'm all for giving the birth mothers ample time to change their minds (after all this is a HUGE decision), couldn't the waiting period be completed before the adoptive parents have went through all the hoops and expenses, are in Korea and are about to bring home their baby?
There are many families left on the 2012 quota who are awaiting travel. They have been on hold several months as the courts reviewed documents and became familiar with adoption procedures. Now these same families are facing extra thousands of dollars in expenses at the last minute as they are told they must extend their stay in country from a week to 3-4. And the fact that both parents must now appear in court...another unexpected challenge for some.
That aside, I'm most concerned by the added strain on children, both for the child to be adopted and other children in the adoptive family. The extra court processes and waiting times will likely mean that the children who are being adopted will be coming home much older. That is harder on the children since they have spent more time in their foster families. Plus the extra weeks families must stay in Korea may affect the amount of time they will have once they return stateside, to bond and help their child adjust to their new home before the parents must return to work.
For children already in the family, they face being without both parents for 3-4 weeks. Obviously a huge obstacle and could make the initial relationship with a new sibling much more challenging. If they travel to Korea with their parents, it's a long journey, weeks away from the comfort of home. If the children are school aged, that may not even be a possibility. And what about for special needs families?
The international adoption program helps provide homes to many Korean children who were not adopted domestically. If the number of IA goes down due to this extreme new set of rules, where will these children go? The domestic adoption numbers have not increased enough to provide homes for them. They are in foster homes now as they await IA, but those are not forever homes. And each agency only has so many foster homes. So, if these children are not adopted will they will be moved into orphanages?
It's always a delicate balancing act to protect the rights of the birth parents. But what about the rights of these children to be able to have a forever home quickly?
The first 2012 cases are scheduled to move into the Korean court systems in April. I hope this latest MPAK post isn't true, or at the very least, the rules are not set in stone. Just hate to see the system end up punishing children and the families who desperately want to provide for them.
And of course, the most important thing is to remember that this is just all conjecture at this point. Not a single agency (that I can find) has reported any of this information to their clients. Until we hear it from them, it's not official.
5.01.2012
Anniversary time-One year ago in our adoption journey
Saturday officially started it for us--the one year mark since this whole journey began.
One year ago on Saturday, we go the long-awaited phone call that our son was ready to travel. The Man took the phone call from our social worker, and I wish I could remember just what he said when he called to relay the information to me. I can't remember the conversation at all! I just remember the feeling of being completely in love with life at that moment. The lighter-than-air feeling of anticipation in finally meeting Little Man and beginning our lives together. And the joy that I would be sharing the experience with The Man.
Of course, all that was accompanied by feelings of "holy crap, this is actually happening!" and the panic that we were about to meet Little Man and begin our lives together.
Was that really only a year ago?
Tonight, about 9 p.m., will be the time that we first met him (Korea time). That deserves some big retrospective post. I should be a good blogger and have a whole slew of anniversary posts about all the big firsts that we were experiencing. But I haven't quite managed to sit down and put it all down. Time to write is a rare commodity these days. But mostly, I haven't written the posts because whenever I try to write about them, I start crying.
So when I quit being an emotional mess, (or at least can type through the ugly cry) I'll try and share some of those amazing moments.
One year ago on Saturday, we go the long-awaited phone call that our son was ready to travel. The Man took the phone call from our social worker, and I wish I could remember just what he said when he called to relay the information to me. I can't remember the conversation at all! I just remember the feeling of being completely in love with life at that moment. The lighter-than-air feeling of anticipation in finally meeting Little Man and beginning our lives together. And the joy that I would be sharing the experience with The Man.
Of course, all that was accompanied by feelings of "holy crap, this is actually happening!" and the panic that we were about to meet Little Man and begin our lives together.
Was that really only a year ago?
Tonight, about 9 p.m., will be the time that we first met him (Korea time). That deserves some big retrospective post. I should be a good blogger and have a whole slew of anniversary posts about all the big firsts that we were experiencing. But I haven't quite managed to sit down and put it all down. Time to write is a rare commodity these days. But mostly, I haven't written the posts because whenever I try to write about them, I start crying.
So when I quit being an emotional mess, (or at least can type through the ugly cry) I'll try and share some of those amazing moments.
4.23.2012
Tips for Adoptive Families Traveling to Korea--Flying with baby
AIRLINES
THE TRIP. For most adoptive families, this is the part that we've simultaneously looked forward to and dreaded. Our flight was 14 hours. I considered it my labor. Some women have horror stories in the delivery room. I was prepared for a horror story at 40,000-feet.Fortunately, it wasn't that bad. We flew Korean Air and I highly recommend it. The flight attendants were amazing, the food was great and we were comfortable. On the return flight, they also were very helpful with Little Man, offering to hold him, bringing him treats, and giving us a special bag of helpful items (box of kleenex, games for LM, and other stuff). Korean Air is also a sky partner with Delta, so if you have a Delta mileage account you can get travel miles for the flight to Korea. It might be worth opening an account before you go because it's a lot of miles!
I've also heard pretty good things about Asiana. Can't say the same about any of the U.S. airline services to Seoul.
As for how to book your flight, you will likely be purchasing your ticket with little notice. Some things to consider:
- If you are comfortable making travel arrangements on your own, some travel sites offer bargains for last-minute flights.
- You might also be able to get tickets/discounts through airline mileage programs.
- And also be sure to check if the airline offers any reduced prices for adoption travel or adoption fares.
- Some adoptive families prefer to use travel agents that are familiar with adoption travel.
FLYING WITH BABY
Enjoy the trip there. Because it will be a whole other experience when you return home with a little in tow! Here's some things to keep in mind:Lap Tickets vs. Seats:
- If your child is under two years old, you can purchase a lap ticket for them. This is about 10% of the full adult fare. We were able to book the one-way lap ticket at the airport before we left for Korea. But other folks we know were only able to do this in Korea before the return flight. I'd suggest trying beforehand, but if you aren't able to, don't worry.
- Be sure to book the ticket with your child's Korean name. That will be the name on all his paperwork is in when you leave Korea.
- If your child is over two years old, you will have to purchase a separate seat. The extra space is certainly helpful. And there is no doubt that it's safer than lap seats. The adult seat belt on the airplane seat is sort of a challenge to keep kids in though. We have used the CARES airplane seat harness which is super easy to put into place, and attaches much more securely. It's more like the seat belt that children have in their carseats. Go to the CARES site and find a local retailer or order online. (Word of advice--most of the adopted children I know had never been in a car seat, so any type of seat restraint may be frightening to them.)
Car seats and strollers:
- We did not travel with either a car seat or stroller. Car seats are not widely used in Korea and typically, you take custody of your child shortly before you leave the country and the primary mode of transit is the subway and/or taxi--neither of which you can use a car seat.
- We chose not to bring a stroller either. Just too much extra stuff for us to manage. Instead, we used a baby backpack and were thrilled with the choice. Most Korean children are used to being carried like this, and it's great for bonding. We use the ERGO Performance and love it. The great thing about the ERGO carrier is you can have them on your front, back or side, it fits a broad range of adults, and it has a high weight carry limit (45 pounds) which is great for our older children coming from Korea. They do have a steep price, but they are comfortable and worth it!
The flight:
- Request a bulkhead seat. Korean Air has bassinets that attach onto the bulkhead, which gives you a place to put your sleeping child. Our son was 10-months-old when we brought him home and he barely fit into the bassinet. He only slept in it for about 1 hour, but it did give us a great storage spot to toss toys, bottles, etc. There are limited bulkhead seats, so if you think you'd like this option, you must request it at check in when you are on your return flight.
- Most airlines will also offer a children's meal option. You should request this at the time you book the child's ticket. Be sure to get this because the food is much more suitable and enticing for children than the adult meals.
What to bring:
- Most parents are worried they won't be able to keep their child entertained on the flight, but resist the temptation to pack a ton of toys. Less is better! We brought about 5 small things total like a book, a musical (very quiet) book, a squishy ball, a soft activity toy (Manhattan Toys, etc.), and coloring supplies. All of your toys will be new to your child so they will likely keep them interested for quite a while. We also had children's activities loaded onto our iPhones, which we used a few times.
- Bring an extra change of clothes for baby, including pajamas
- your baby carrier (if you are using one)
- extra copies of paperwork
- plastic bags (for wet/soiled clothing)
- wipes, diapers, medications (both you and baby), diaper cream, lotion,
- teethers, nuks, bottles, sippy cup
- bibs, kleenex or Boogie wipes
Last bits of advice:
- Relax. It's easier for your child to remain calm if you are calm.
- Have a sense of humor. When we got on the flight, we introduced our son to those around us. We explained (jokingly) that they might hear from our son during the flight but to rest assured that we would do everything we could to keep this from happening. We were also prepared to start buying rounds of drinks for folks if he was totally out of control.
- Check out this super cute idea for passenger gifts. It's really just a way to break the ice and to gain a little empathy when things get challenging.
HELPFUL LINKS
http://www.flyingwithkids.com/Top 5 travel tips
ERGO Carriers
CARES airplane seat harness
Entertaining Kids on A Plane
Travel Passenger Gifts
Toddler and Pre-School Activity Bags
3.29.2012
Tips for Adoptive Familes traveling to Korea: Phones
EPs! Referrals! So much great news in the past few weeks as the Korean ministry begins moving forward with international adoptions once again.
The next step will be travel calls. It's almost been a year since we received our travel call and my heart still beats fast as I remember the excitement, anxiousness and joy that call brought. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that soon friends who have waited this long year for the EPs to beging again will get their calls and be making the trek to Korea to complete their families.
With that in mind, I thought I'd share some of the travel information I have amassed. There's so much to share that I'm actually breaking it up into several posts.
Enjoy!
To take a phone or not? If we were to do it again, I'd definitely opt for a phone. You can purchase calling cards very cheaply to call back home, but that means you always have to call from a land line. We found it very difficult to do this as we were rarely in our hotel room. Reasons to have a cellular are:
So, if you opt for cellular service, it's cheaper than you might think. Here are some of the ways you can stay connected on your trip.
Use your own phone: Check with your current cellular plan provider. Many phones are now capable of international service and you can sign up for a short-term international plan with your provider. You will need to check if your phone model is capable of international use. Also make sure you know if texting is included in the plan. (We had an iPhone and it was an international version. We paid a small sum for the international plan with our provider. However, it did not work when we were in Korea, so we didn't have a phone for the trip.)
Rent a phone: Renting a phone in Korea seems to be quick and easy. And fairly inexpensive! Look for the rental kiosks at Incheon airport and Gimpo. S'Roaming is a rental agency there and from all I've read, most people have had great experiences with them. They rent both mobile and smart phones and you can reserve your phone in advance. You can see their rates on their site. There are also other rental agencies available. (CHECK OUT THIS SITE for more info.) I have not rented from any of these agencies though, so I can't attest to the actual process or service. If you rent a phone while in Korea, leave a comment and let us know how it went!
Rent a phone & use your SIM card: You may also consider renting a phone in Korea, but using your SIM card in the phone. This would allow you to use your own mobile number. Not sure how that affects prices/rates on your US plan. Check with your provider.
Calling card: If you opt to go sans cellular, you can always pick up calling cards and phone home. They are really cheap and easy to use.
SERVICES AVAILABLE VIA TELEPHONE IN KOREA
Korea has some amazing phone services designed especially to help English-speaking travelers. We used the interpretation service once to help a cabbie figure out where we were trying to go. It was awesome!
The next step will be travel calls. It's almost been a year since we received our travel call and my heart still beats fast as I remember the excitement, anxiousness and joy that call brought. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that soon friends who have waited this long year for the EPs to beging again will get their calls and be making the trek to Korea to complete their families.
With that in mind, I thought I'd share some of the travel information I have amassed. There's so much to share that I'm actually breaking it up into several posts.
Enjoy!
STAYING CONNECTED: PHONES
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| {image source} |
- staying connected with family back home (especially if you have children who did not come on the trip)
- staying in touch with the adoption agency in Korea--more importantly--they will have a way to contact you!
- connecting up with other adoptive families/friends in country
- taking advantage of the translation/tourist services available by phone while in Korea (see phone services section below)
So, if you opt for cellular service, it's cheaper than you might think. Here are some of the ways you can stay connected on your trip.
Use your own phone: Check with your current cellular plan provider. Many phones are now capable of international service and you can sign up for a short-term international plan with your provider. You will need to check if your phone model is capable of international use. Also make sure you know if texting is included in the plan. (We had an iPhone and it was an international version. We paid a small sum for the international plan with our provider. However, it did not work when we were in Korea, so we didn't have a phone for the trip.)
Rent a phone: Renting a phone in Korea seems to be quick and easy. And fairly inexpensive! Look for the rental kiosks at Incheon airport and Gimpo. S'Roaming is a rental agency there and from all I've read, most people have had great experiences with them. They rent both mobile and smart phones and you can reserve your phone in advance. You can see their rates on their site. There are also other rental agencies available. (CHECK OUT THIS SITE for more info.) I have not rented from any of these agencies though, so I can't attest to the actual process or service. If you rent a phone while in Korea, leave a comment and let us know how it went!
Rent a phone & use your SIM card: You may also consider renting a phone in Korea, but using your SIM card in the phone. This would allow you to use your own mobile number. Not sure how that affects prices/rates on your US plan. Check with your provider.
Calling card: If you opt to go sans cellular, you can always pick up calling cards and phone home. They are really cheap and easy to use.
SERVICES AVAILABLE VIA TELEPHONE IN KOREA
Korea has some amazing phone services designed especially to help English-speaking travelers. We used the interpretation service once to help a cabbie figure out where we were trying to go. It was awesome!
- MEDICAL EMERGENCY 1339: English speaking doctors are available to give medical info 24-hours a day. Dial 1339 without area code when calling from within Seoul. To call from a mobile or outside of Seoul, dial 02-1399.
- TRAVEL PHONE 1330: 24-hour service provides travel info and interpretation services! Info on tourist attractions, shopping areas, and travel packages, available in 17 different languages. Dial 02-1330. This is not a toll-free call.
- CRIME REPORT 112: 24-hour service where foreigners can report crimes to the Korean National Police.
- INTERPRETATION SERVICE 1588-5644: Volunteers provide translation services for 17 different languages. When you need to communicate with someone (cab driver, hotel staff, shop owner, etc.) you give them a call, talk with the translator and hand the phone over to whomever you are trying to communicate with. Don't you love Korean helpfulness?!
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