Happy Mothers Day: 21 bits of advice for first-time mothers

Twenty-four months of motherhood under my belt! Wahoo!

For those of you still waiting...your day will come.

Until then, here's 24 21 things that I've learned these past months. I pass this hard-earned advice on to you in hopes that it will prepare you for this new frontier. (I wanted to do 24, but I don't have that much advice to give. And I got tired of writing this.)

1. Check your butt: You ass will probably become a repository for a strange assortment of items. I've found Cheerios, stickers, dried snot (how the hell did that happen???), rice, paint, and applesauce on my back side, among other items I'm sure I can't recall. All of these items were discovered on my butt while I was in a public place.

2. Poop still stinks, even when it's your child's: Don't believe the hype. They almost had me convinced...

3. Take time to enjoy the giggles: My eyes tear up every time I hear him belt out a full-blown belly laugh. Every. Single. Time. I try to enjoy these moments because I know at any moment this magical, made for TV experience will self destruct. Probably within the next 5 minutes.

4. Engage in a little dirty talk: Oh yes. You and your spouse will likely talk dirtier to one other than you ever have before. It just won't have the same meaning as it did before. Dirty talking to the The Man now involves describing our child's pee and poop in detail. Color, texture, consistency. Sometimes, for a little extra excitement, we text these details to one another. You know...you gotta keep things fresh in your relationship.

5. Always blame the dog: If you don't have a dog, get one! They are incredibly useful in the kitchen during toddler meal time when a spill happens. You can blame them when an annoying musical toy goes *missing*. And they are good as bribery  motivation---"you can give the dog a treat if you will stop screaming at the top of your lungs".

6. Private time: It's really sorta sweet when Little Man tries to squeeze behind the toilet and offers to help me wipe. Totally gross. But the sentiment is nice. (The moral of this story is that there is no private time.)

7. Don't try this at home: Do not attempt to blow raspberries on your naked baby boy's stomach when you are holding him upside down. Unless you don't mind being poked in the eye by baby boy genitalia. Disregard this tip if you have a girl.

8. Naptime kicks ass: I can't tell you just how much I. Love. Nap. Time. It's especially good when the baby naps at the same time.

9. Good enough: I've learned to accept that everything cannot be done to perfection. Perfection comes at a price, which is usually less sleep. Which Mama cannot due without.

10. I was a perfect parent:...until I had a baby. I'm not gonna sugar-coat it. It's damn hard. I take back all those things I said about other parents. Even though most of them were probably true.

11. Mom's say the funniest things: Like, get your finger out of the dog's butt, quit licking the cat, I'm sorry your broccoli is green, and quit pulling on that thing or you are going to break it. (Yes, it was that thing.)

12. Forget sleep: The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake. Be prepared. Invest now in the best eye-puffiness-reducing, dark-circle-concealing, haggard-look-camoflauging make-up you can find.

13. Leak City: There does not appear to be a sippy cup in existence that does not leak. You have been warned.

14. Mom Brain: Continuous exposure to extreme baby cuteness may turn your brain to mush. I'm here to testify that it can happen to you. And to warn you that said "Mom Brain" can be the leading cause of potential household disasters, such as starting a small fire in the kitchen, locking yourself out of the house, locking your keys and baby in the car, etc. Not that I know anything about that.

15. Time waster: There is an inversely proportional relationship between how long it takes you to make a wonderful, healthy dinner, and how much of that dinner your toddler will eat.

16. Tomorrow is a miracle: We are imperfect beings. No matter how difficult the day, how frustrating the situation, it's only temporary and you are doing your best. Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. I live by this.

17. Of course: The loudest, most annoying, commercialized, cliche toys out there---yeah, your kid will want to play with it for hours.

18. Living backwards: I use reverse psychology and tell Little Man NOT to do something in order to get him to do it. Works like a charm! (Note: this method has the exact opposite effect on your spouse.)

19. Leave early, get there late: Dress baby. Load bags of emergency items into car. Load stroller into car. Change baby into new outfit after he smears peanut butter on shirt. Fill sippy cup. Fill snack trap. Find shoe that baby has removed and hidden in the couch. Carry baby to car. Buckle car seat. Lock up house. Get in car and smell baby poop. Remove baby from carseat.....

20: Enjoy it: Take time to enjoy new things. Like road construction. Never saw myself enjoying that before, but it's actually become enjoyable with tiny toddler in the back seat is oohing and ahhing over the diggers and dump trucks.

21. Bedtime: Bedtime is my ultimate favorite. I used to dread putting him to bed, but now, it's truly the best part of my day. When I get that big snuggle at night before bedtime, looking into my sweet boys eyes as he falls asleep, I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be this kid's mom.