Been loving this song at our house lately! Is it just me, or does this make you tear up a little? Geez...I'd like to blame it on the lack of sleep but I think it's just that I've become an incredible softee now that LM is home. Anyone else have that problem?
(BTW--Eric Herman has some other super fantastic songs, like the Elephant Song, one of our favorites.)
The Tale of The Sun and The Moon
8.31.2011
8.29.2011
Book club Monday: 20 things-chapters 6-9
Hi all! Hope you had a fantastic weekend. Our trip up north was super fun. Hanging out in the woods, seeing old friends, plus a little bike/trail race in the mix. Such a great time and glad we did it.
So, on with our book. (For more info on the book we are reading, click HERE. All passages that are quoted are from Sherrie Eldridge's book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed. Here are links to our previous discusions: Chapter 1; Chapters 2 & 3; Chapters 4 & 5.)
Chapter 6: Know that being different can be a good thing
Yes. Different can be great. I actually relish being different. But it can also be hard. It just depends what context *different* is used in. The Man and I often talk about if adoptive parenting is really that much different than biological parenting. Not that it makes one whit of difference at all. I just would like to know. Maybe it's the difference between parenting a boy and a girl. There are some things that are similar, and some things that are very different. I guess the word "unique" would be a better description of adoptive parenting. Some things we have to consider, or the approaches we take to certain situations are unique to our family.
One question stuck out in this chapter for me. She poses the question "How will you explain the word different to her," when talking to your kids. It's hard having to explain this to LM some day, because it's such a fine line to walk. Many people insert the word "special" for "different" and I think this can ring hollow for kids. The way they might be teased by others for being different will definitely not feel "special" to them. So sugar-coating this doesn't seem honest to me.
Different is also a dressed up way of saying you are an "other". It's a way to set people into groups and divide them into similar and non-similar. No one wants to be in the non-similar group. Those are the outsiders. A lonely place to be.
It's not only LM who will be "different". We've felt that on numerous occasions as well, both before and since we've brought LM home. There were the thinly veiled reactions of pity when people learned we were adopting. (One of them must be broken.) Or raised eyebrows when we chose international adoption. (What about all those kids here in America that need families?) Or the over-bright smile as they say "well, he is so lucky!" (Everyone knows adoptive kids have more problems than others. Good luck to you both!)
Chapter 7: Settle the "real-parent" question
I don't feel like a real parent yet. It's only been a few months, so maybe this will hit later. We are still slowly connecting and maybe it will feel more real as we grow in our relationship with time.
But even not feeling like a "real" parent, I don't feel any less real than his birth mother. Of course, I'm not threatened by her at this point either.
Eldridge writes, "Your child wants you to be secure in your role and identity as his parent so that you can help him come to terms with his complex identity." Absolutely. I can't help him work through his identity issues if I have an identity crisis of my own.
An excerpt from a writing by Connie Dawson also really resonated with me. Dawson, an adoptee, states that adoptive children have a deep belief that birth mothers send them away because they are too much to handle. And, if you are not handling the adoption issues well, or confidently, children will try to protect you--they will hide their hurts and pains from you and will believe that their pain is too much for you to handle. Food for thought.
In terms of parental confidence, I'd say on a scale of 1-10, I feel about a 5.5. Average, but not outstanding. I attribute most of that to the fact that it's all still very new to me.
I hope LM knows that his needs are my priority. But I do struggle with my need to know that he loves me and accepts me. This could get in the way of letting him work through this attachment period. The thing is, he might not necessarily love me or accept me completely right now. I struggle to be OK with that, trying to have faith that we will reach this place down the road.
Chapter 8: Step up to the plate with confidence
I don't have anything to comment on this chapter.
Chapter 9: Evaluate your emotional health
Not much to say about this either. I think self evaluation is a good exercise for everyone. Parents or not. Adoptive families, or not. Everyone has baggage. Deal with it. You will be happier.
If you made it all the way to here, huzzah! I can't believe you stuck with me this long. {{high five}} What are your thoughts?
Four chapters was a dang long blog post. Just doing chapters 10, 11 & 12 for next week. See you Monday!
So, on with our book. (For more info on the book we are reading, click HERE. All passages that are quoted are from Sherrie Eldridge's book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed. Here are links to our previous discusions: Chapter 1; Chapters 2 & 3; Chapters 4 & 5.)
Chapter 6: Know that being different can be a good thing
Yes. Different can be great. I actually relish being different. But it can also be hard. It just depends what context *different* is used in. The Man and I often talk about if adoptive parenting is really that much different than biological parenting. Not that it makes one whit of difference at all. I just would like to know. Maybe it's the difference between parenting a boy and a girl. There are some things that are similar, and some things that are very different. I guess the word "unique" would be a better description of adoptive parenting. Some things we have to consider, or the approaches we take to certain situations are unique to our family.
One question stuck out in this chapter for me. She poses the question "How will you explain the word different to her," when talking to your kids. It's hard having to explain this to LM some day, because it's such a fine line to walk. Many people insert the word "special" for "different" and I think this can ring hollow for kids. The way they might be teased by others for being different will definitely not feel "special" to them. So sugar-coating this doesn't seem honest to me.
Different is also a dressed up way of saying you are an "other". It's a way to set people into groups and divide them into similar and non-similar. No one wants to be in the non-similar group. Those are the outsiders. A lonely place to be.
It's not only LM who will be "different". We've felt that on numerous occasions as well, both before and since we've brought LM home. There were the thinly veiled reactions of pity when people learned we were adopting. (One of them must be broken.) Or raised eyebrows when we chose international adoption. (What about all those kids here in America that need families?) Or the over-bright smile as they say "well, he is so lucky!" (Everyone knows adoptive kids have more problems than others. Good luck to you both!)
Chapter 7: Settle the "real-parent" question
I don't feel like a real parent yet. It's only been a few months, so maybe this will hit later. We are still slowly connecting and maybe it will feel more real as we grow in our relationship with time.
But even not feeling like a "real" parent, I don't feel any less real than his birth mother. Of course, I'm not threatened by her at this point either.
Eldridge writes, "Your child wants you to be secure in your role and identity as his parent so that you can help him come to terms with his complex identity." Absolutely. I can't help him work through his identity issues if I have an identity crisis of my own.
An excerpt from a writing by Connie Dawson also really resonated with me. Dawson, an adoptee, states that adoptive children have a deep belief that birth mothers send them away because they are too much to handle. And, if you are not handling the adoption issues well, or confidently, children will try to protect you--they will hide their hurts and pains from you and will believe that their pain is too much for you to handle. Food for thought.
In terms of parental confidence, I'd say on a scale of 1-10, I feel about a 5.5. Average, but not outstanding. I attribute most of that to the fact that it's all still very new to me.
I hope LM knows that his needs are my priority. But I do struggle with my need to know that he loves me and accepts me. This could get in the way of letting him work through this attachment period. The thing is, he might not necessarily love me or accept me completely right now. I struggle to be OK with that, trying to have faith that we will reach this place down the road.
Chapter 8: Step up to the plate with confidence
I don't have anything to comment on this chapter.
Chapter 9: Evaluate your emotional health
Not much to say about this either. I think self evaluation is a good exercise for everyone. Parents or not. Adoptive families, or not. Everyone has baggage. Deal with it. You will be happier.
If you made it all the way to here, huzzah! I can't believe you stuck with me this long. {{high five}} What are your thoughts?
Four chapters was a dang long blog post. Just doing chapters 10, 11 & 12 for next week. See you Monday!
8.26.2011
Friday Round-up--8.26.2011
 |
| Little shopper. © Cheese Curds and Kimchi |
I walked out with a pit in my stomach.
It's not that it wasn't great. It was. The teachers were engaging and sweet. The children were well kept and happy. The facility was clean and safe.
And it's not that LM didn't have a fantastic time there as we attended the open house. He did. He jumped right in and took off across the room. He grabbed a spatula and the shopping cart and was happy as a clam.
I know he'll be fine there and my gut says we made a good choice.
But it's knowing that he'll spend three entire days a week with someone else---that's what gives me this pit in my stomach. My maternity leave is coming to an end. Starting the first week in October, LM will be going to daycare.
All in all, I know this is a great deal. I'll be working full-time, but LM will only be in daycare three days a week because of the way The Man and my schedules line up. And it's going to be good for him, right?
But that panicky part of me who is obsessed with this attachment stuff gets a little freaked out. Will he get confused by having yet another caretaker in his life? Will spending so much time with someone else hinder the progress we've started to make lately? And here's the selfish bit---will he like them better than me? (Oh, how I loathe that 15-year-old insecure part of myself!)
And the Mom part of me has another set of concerns. Will they remember that he still doesn't have a firm grasp on English? That he does better getting his diaper changed if you sing to him? That he holds onto his ears when he's feeling uncomfortable or scared?
So many things to feel worried about. And guilty about.
I guess this is the way of the working mom. I've heard it gets easier. I sure hope so.
**********************
On another note---we had our second post-placement visit yesterday. Yay! Two down, one to go. It was super easy and we always have such great discussions with our social worker. LM was his sparkling self and set about to charming her with his games of peek-a-boo, showing off his couch climbing skills, and demonstrating how his new rocker works.
Couldn't have been prouder of him!
*********************
OMG. Have you seen the leaves!? Here in Milwaukee, they have started to fall. We're trying to make the last of the weekends we have left before I go back to work and the snow begins to fly. This weekend we are heading to Appleton where we used to live. LM will get to meet some of our friends, and go to an outdoor movie party. Then on Sunday, we are heading out to a mountain bike race and trail run where Mommy and Daddy will do their best not to expire on the race trail. Fun!
Hope you enjoy a great weekend too!
*************************************************
To get a preview: New Film What to Expect When You Are Expecting To Include Adoption from Ethiopia in Storyline
To be an A+ parent: How To Build A Good Parent-Teacher Relationship
To giggle: Time Spent Using Tupperware
To giggle some more: Oh Art Fail, We Love You...Part 1
To debate "was" or "is" adopted: Deciding Whether Or Not To Have More Children
To find great imaginative toys: Bella Luna Toys (check out the rocker boards!)
To make an awesome lunch: Another Lunch: Halloween!
8.24.2011
I heart this adoption community
Time and time again I am blown away by the adoption community. I have no idea of the birthing community is the same or not. But the friendship, support and camaraderie we have encountered on this journey is amazing.
And much needed. During the wait, and definitely afterwards as well.
I found emotional support and information about the process from other bloggers, members of our support group, other adoptive families, message boards, Facebook groups, and of course, friends and family. We still network with those groups as we navigate the challenges of being a family.
So it feels really great to pass our knowledge on to others! A few days ago I chatted with a woman I met about 6 months ago. I met her through Craigs.list when we were searching for all the baby stuff we needed before LM came home. This sweet lady already had three little wigglers (she also had the cutest Amy Coe bedset that I purchased from her!) and she asked how old my child was. This led to me sharing that we were waiting for our son to come home. And she shared that she and her husband had been considering adoption when she became pregnant with #3. It was a really nice conversation and I remember feeling warm and fuzzy that a stranger could be so genuinely happy for our adoption.
She had kept our original email exchange and contacted me because adoption is still in her family's heart. They are just starting the process and she's reaching out to people she knows who have experience with adoption to try and make some decisions.
It just made my heart so full to share our experience. It wasn't long ago we were in her place, and struggling with the hows and what ifs in choosing adoption. We know that it can be a difficult process, and are so thankful that we can help others as we were helped.
This is another part of being an adoptive family that I hadn't really considered. You become a representative of the process, which can be both a good thing and a bad thing at times. But I like being a resource for others. Its a payback to the adoption world for all the help and support we've received along the way.
*******************
Need a little support on your adoption journey? Thought this was a nice idea.
Friends for Adoption
You are paired with another person going through the same journey and encourage one another. Each month you send something small (under $15) which could be a gift, card, etc. Just something to help one another survive the wait, the ups and the downs.
Don't you love the adoption community?
And much needed. During the wait, and definitely afterwards as well.
I found emotional support and information about the process from other bloggers, members of our support group, other adoptive families, message boards, Facebook groups, and of course, friends and family. We still network with those groups as we navigate the challenges of being a family.
So it feels really great to pass our knowledge on to others! A few days ago I chatted with a woman I met about 6 months ago. I met her through Craigs.list when we were searching for all the baby stuff we needed before LM came home. This sweet lady already had three little wigglers (she also had the cutest Amy Coe bedset that I purchased from her!) and she asked how old my child was. This led to me sharing that we were waiting for our son to come home. And she shared that she and her husband had been considering adoption when she became pregnant with #3. It was a really nice conversation and I remember feeling warm and fuzzy that a stranger could be so genuinely happy for our adoption.
She had kept our original email exchange and contacted me because adoption is still in her family's heart. They are just starting the process and she's reaching out to people she knows who have experience with adoption to try and make some decisions.
It just made my heart so full to share our experience. It wasn't long ago we were in her place, and struggling with the hows and what ifs in choosing adoption. We know that it can be a difficult process, and are so thankful that we can help others as we were helped.
This is another part of being an adoptive family that I hadn't really considered. You become a representative of the process, which can be both a good thing and a bad thing at times. But I like being a resource for others. Its a payback to the adoption world for all the help and support we've received along the way.
*******************
Need a little support on your adoption journey? Thought this was a nice idea.
Friends for Adoption
You are paired with another person going through the same journey and encourage one another. Each month you send something small (under $15) which could be a gift, card, etc. Just something to help one another survive the wait, the ups and the downs.
Don't you love the adoption community?
8.22.2011
Book club Monday-20 things adoptive parents need to succeed-chapters 4&5
Wahoo! See our new pretty pink badge on the left-hand side of the page? We were nominated in the Best All-Around Mom Blog category at Parents.com. So, if you are a fan, we'd sure appreciate a vote! (Or two, or three...I think you can vote every day.) The voting is open through October 15. Thanks!
(For more info on the book we are reading, click HERE. All passages that are quoted are from Sherrie Eldridge's book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed. To read our discussion on chapter 1, click HERE. For chapters 2 & 3, click HERE.)
It's been a tad quiet out there, but I'm gonna keep on slogging through this book. And I have to tell you, it ain't easy. I totally LOVED Eldridge's first book and learned a lot when I read it. But I am finding this book 1) feels like a rehash of our adoption training, and 2) seems to be more about her personal experiences as an adoptee than a guide for adoptive parents.
For example, she went on and on in chapter 5 about how to tell a child that they were conceived in a rape. And lo, guess what. She was conceived in a rape. Yes, traumatic to find out. And yes, I'm sure this passage spoke to many people who have children with this painful history. But if you are going to write a book that largely documents your own adoption experience, why not call it something like, I don't know, "My adoption experience"?
And throughout the book she continues to refer back to her website. If I wanted to read her website, I would (and I sometimes do). But I bought her damned book. So please put whatever is relevant in the book.
Sorry to sound so bitter. I'm really not. Just disappointed. And frustrated. And waiting to get to the good stuff in this book. But mostly disappointed.
So chapter 4 was a total waste to me. The Big Picture. Who the hell can ever understand the big picture of our lives, regardless of whether you are an adoptive parent/person or not? She breaks down different phases we might encounter in our adoptive parenting journey, but none of those phases were new insights for me, and I'm assuming most adoptive parents already know this stuff too. But I guess there could be some folks that don't.
The poem on page 52 (that was not cited with an author's name) gave me a little food for thought. Here's a few exerpts:
Chapter 5 had me thinking a little bit more. Of course, she advocates telling your child they are adopted from day 1. We totally agree with that too. But the question of how much adoption talk you have on a daily basis is something we are trying to figure out for our family. I know some families talk about it all the time. And because LM is on 13-months-old, we really aren't having any two-way discussions on the matter.
We do tell him adoption story during snuggle times, and tell him how happy we are to be his parents, and talk about where he was born and all the people who have loved him (birth mother, foster family, etc.). Some of this he might be absorbing. Probably not though at this point. It's more about us getting comfortable in talking about these things with him.
But how much is enough? And how much is too much? The author seems to advocate a high amount of adoption-related conversation. She cites examples like "I wonder where you got your love for Mexican food. Could it be from your birth mother or father?" and "Your voice is changing, son. I wonder if it's happening to you at the same time it did with your birth father. Do you ever think about him?"
I get that questions like these can open the door to adoption talks with your child. It lets them know that you are there for them, and willing to discuss those topics. But those type of questions also seem to constantly point out you are adopted. So how much is too much?
I know we'll find our way as LM gets older and we start answering his questions. And the amount of conversations we'll have on this topic will fluctuate as he ages and goes through different stages of understanding. What works for your household?
The most valuable thing I got out of chapter 5 was a tip to a few books that sound like interesting reads.
Talking with Young Children about Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher.
Before You Were Mine: Discovering Your Adopted Child's Lifestory by Susan TeBos and Carissa Woodwyk
Since these chapters are short, and I want to get this book finishes, tackling 6-9 for next Monday.
As always, please comment, respond, share!
(For more info on the book we are reading, click HERE. All passages that are quoted are from Sherrie Eldridge's book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed. To read our discussion on chapter 1, click HERE. For chapters 2 & 3, click HERE.)
It's been a tad quiet out there, but I'm gonna keep on slogging through this book. And I have to tell you, it ain't easy. I totally LOVED Eldridge's first book and learned a lot when I read it. But I am finding this book 1) feels like a rehash of our adoption training, and 2) seems to be more about her personal experiences as an adoptee than a guide for adoptive parents.
For example, she went on and on in chapter 5 about how to tell a child that they were conceived in a rape. And lo, guess what. She was conceived in a rape. Yes, traumatic to find out. And yes, I'm sure this passage spoke to many people who have children with this painful history. But if you are going to write a book that largely documents your own adoption experience, why not call it something like, I don't know, "My adoption experience"?
And throughout the book she continues to refer back to her website. If I wanted to read her website, I would (and I sometimes do). But I bought her damned book. So please put whatever is relevant in the book.
Sorry to sound so bitter. I'm really not. Just disappointed. And frustrated. And waiting to get to the good stuff in this book. But mostly disappointed.
So chapter 4 was a total waste to me. The Big Picture. Who the hell can ever understand the big picture of our lives, regardless of whether you are an adoptive parent/person or not? She breaks down different phases we might encounter in our adoptive parenting journey, but none of those phases were new insights for me, and I'm assuming most adoptive parents already know this stuff too. But I guess there could be some folks that don't.
The poem on page 52 (that was not cited with an author's name) gave me a little food for thought. Here's a few exerpts:
"If I live with secrecy,
I will learn to obsess about the unknown.
If I live with denial of adoption's complex emotions,
I will learn to suffer silently."
"If I live with parents who have unresolved grief and loss,
I will learn that they are disappointed in me and I must take care of them.
If live with parents who are not concerned about my missing history,
I will learn that my past and beginnings are not important.
If I live with parents who are not comfortable about the subject of adoption,
I will learn to shut down my emotions and become defensive when asked if it's an issue."
Chapter 5 had me thinking a little bit more. Of course, she advocates telling your child they are adopted from day 1. We totally agree with that too. But the question of how much adoption talk you have on a daily basis is something we are trying to figure out for our family. I know some families talk about it all the time. And because LM is on 13-months-old, we really aren't having any two-way discussions on the matter.
We do tell him adoption story during snuggle times, and tell him how happy we are to be his parents, and talk about where he was born and all the people who have loved him (birth mother, foster family, etc.). Some of this he might be absorbing. Probably not though at this point. It's more about us getting comfortable in talking about these things with him.
But how much is enough? And how much is too much? The author seems to advocate a high amount of adoption-related conversation. She cites examples like "I wonder where you got your love for Mexican food. Could it be from your birth mother or father?" and "Your voice is changing, son. I wonder if it's happening to you at the same time it did with your birth father. Do you ever think about him?"
I get that questions like these can open the door to adoption talks with your child. It lets them know that you are there for them, and willing to discuss those topics. But those type of questions also seem to constantly point out you are adopted. So how much is too much?
I know we'll find our way as LM gets older and we start answering his questions. And the amount of conversations we'll have on this topic will fluctuate as he ages and goes through different stages of understanding. What works for your household?
The most valuable thing I got out of chapter 5 was a tip to a few books that sound like interesting reads.
Talking with Young Children about Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher.
Before You Were Mine: Discovering Your Adopted Child's Lifestory by Susan TeBos and Carissa Woodwyk
Since these chapters are short, and I want to get this book finishes, tackling 6-9 for next Monday.
As always, please comment, respond, share!
8.19.2011
Friday Round Up--8.19.2011
 |
| Chasing shadows. © Cheese Curds and Kimchi |
Thinking about returning to work scares me a bit. The thought of only seeing LM a few hours in the morning and a few hours at night is really tough. The little time we'll have with him each day becomes even more precious. I find myself getting panicked, worrying that he won't continue bonding and will get confused since he'll have another caregiver all day. But our situation is the best it can possibly be--thanks to my great bosses, I will now work a consistent schedule that will allow us to only have LM in daycare 3 days a week while we both are working full time. I'll be working every Saturday night when I return to work (goodbye weekends) but it's worth it while we continue to connect as a family.
I have this awesome graphic by Steph of Modern Parents Messy Kids on our refrigerator. I love the thought of parenting with intentions. I've been thinking about what I think is important to teach my son every day. What would your list be? Read Steph's great blog posts about her list HERE and HERE. And you can download a free graphic of her daily lessons HERE.Looking forward to a great weekend! I'll be meeting up with the fab Emily who blogs at This Family Squish to run the Dirty Girl. It's a 5K mud girls-only run and Emily is a blast. And a portion of the proceeds supports breast cancer research, awareness and education. Can't wait!
Also on the agenda are the neighborhood block party, and celebrating the second birthday of our friend Giggles!
Hope your weekend is a good one too!
**************************
To smile and laugh and yearn for the days when you had a clean house: a REAL house tour
To make: Word pendant tutorial
To tempt picky toddlers: Polenta pizza snacks
To learn from others: Bi Bim KAAN
To get new ideas: Parent Hacks
To teach: 5 Tips To Boost Your Child's Learning Skills While Shopping
8.18.2011
KWOW-Super fun videos to learn Korean
Have you seen KWOW? It's the Korean Word of the Day videos and I love them.
Love. Them.
Simple. Fun. Well produced. And they make me smile.
It reminds me of Word Wednesdays, which I'm too lazy to do anymore. So now I just watch KWOW.
Here a few of my favorites.
Brother and Sister in Korean
Thank You in Korean
Yes and No in Korean
Links to all episodes:
Love
Really
OMG/oh dear
Brother/sister
Hello and Good-bye
Sorry
Thank you
Yes and No
Okay
Pretty
Please
Love. Them.
Simple. Fun. Well produced. And they make me smile.
It reminds me of Word Wednesdays, which I'm too lazy to do anymore. So now I just watch KWOW.
Here a few of my favorites.
Brother and Sister in Korean
Thank You in Korean
Yes and No in Korean
Links to all episodes:
Love
Really
OMG/oh dear
Brother/sister
Hello and Good-bye
Sorry
Thank you
Yes and No
Okay
Pretty
Please
8.17.2011
Must be the moon
We weren't searching for anything in particular. We mostly came to the expo center for a reprieve from the heat while we wandered around the fair. I do enjoy listening to people hawk their wares though. So we wandered around the aisles, pausing once in a while to watch a Vitamix demonstration, or see a knife cut through an aluminum can. Love that stuff!
As we passed one booth, the woman asked me my birth date. She was selling necklaces, each with different images of a phase of the moon. Nothing that I would usually be interested in. But she offered to show me what the moon looked like on the night I was born. And since I thought that would be cool to know, I gave her my birth date. (And yes, it was the real one.)
She looked it up and showed me the photo. I was born on an ascending moon, three nights before a full moon.
Interesting.
What's your birth date, she asked The Man.
He gave the date, and then, wow. Something interesting. She got very excited and showed us his birth moon.
His was born on a descending moon, three nights before there was no moon. His moon was the compliment to my moon!
What's the date your baby was born, she asked. And this is where it got really cool.
Little Man's moon was the exact same as The Man's moon. Born 41 years apart, they were born under the exact same moon. And they both complete my moon.
The sales lady was so tickled. "This baby was born to be your baby," she exclaimed. "He was born under the same moon as his father, and his moon completes yours," she said to me. She explained that she had been doing this for several years and loved it when she saw these kind of coincidences in families. And I'll admit, I thought it was pretty cool too.
Needless to say, she made a sale. (Damn, was she good!) My new pewter necklace has a sliver of an descending moon, just as it appeared on the night both of my loves were born.
To see what your moon is, check out THIS SITE. And if you want a moon necklace like mine, check out THIS SITE.
As we passed one booth, the woman asked me my birth date. She was selling necklaces, each with different images of a phase of the moon. Nothing that I would usually be interested in. But she offered to show me what the moon looked like on the night I was born. And since I thought that would be cool to know, I gave her my birth date. (And yes, it was the real one.)
 |
| {image source} |
She looked it up and showed me the photo. I was born on an ascending moon, three nights before a full moon.
Interesting.
What's your birth date, she asked The Man.
He gave the date, and then, wow. Something interesting. She got very excited and showed us his birth moon.
 |
| {image source} |
His was born on a descending moon, three nights before there was no moon. His moon was the compliment to my moon!
What's the date your baby was born, she asked. And this is where it got really cool.
 |
| {image source} |
Little Man's moon was the exact same as The Man's moon. Born 41 years apart, they were born under the exact same moon. And they both complete my moon.
The sales lady was so tickled. "This baby was born to be your baby," she exclaimed. "He was born under the same moon as his father, and his moon completes yours," she said to me. She explained that she had been doing this for several years and loved it when she saw these kind of coincidences in families. And I'll admit, I thought it was pretty cool too.
Needless to say, she made a sale. (Damn, was she good!) My new pewter necklace has a sliver of an descending moon, just as it appeared on the night both of my loves were born.
To see what your moon is, check out THIS SITE. And if you want a moon necklace like mine, check out THIS SITE.
8.15.2011
Book club Monday-20 things adoptive parents need to succeed-chapters 2&3
(For more info on the book we are reading, click HERE. All passages with page numbers are from Sherrie Eldridge's book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed. To read our discussion on Chapter 1, click HERE.)
Well, I have to say that I wasn't impressed with either of these chapters. I guess most of it felt like a rehash of things we learned in our pre-adoption training hours. Sort of obvious and not the "aha" kind of things that I was hoping to read.
In Chapter 2, she discusses life after adoption. Of course we have tried to imagine the changes that our children are experiencing. And yes, we find ourselves in a very new situation now that our children have come home. Duh.
The six common statements about adoption were interesting. I have wondered/feared many of those things before and sort of felt they were my dark secrets. The chart on page 31 was helpful, where she has the statements and how they might be interpreted and neutralized. And although they seemed very simplistic, I found myself coming back to them over and over.
Statement #1 (adoption produces irreparable wounds for the adopted child) is something that I've especially feared. I don't believe anything is irreparable and one of my personal mantras is "history is not destiny." I don't want LM's adoptive history to define who he is or how he lives his life. I know it will affect it. But it doesn't have to define it. I have heard many adoptees use their adoption as an "excuse for dysfunction" as Eldridge writes, and that is something I worry about.
Statement #3 (adoptive families are just like biological families) We are and we aren't. Sometimes I long for the seeming simplicity of biological families. No wondering if the child is attaching or not. No worries about the big questions they will have about their past. You get the idea. But Eldridge's suggestion of how this statement might translate to parents stopped me dead--"I can't share adoption-related challenges with anyone. I must be happy."
I didn't realize I'd been feeling this way until I read it. People expect us to be happy. And we are. We finally have what we've been waiting for. But there are parts of it that aren't always happy and people don't want to know about that. I hesitate to share those frustrations/challenges/insecurities with people because I don't want to come off as ungrateful.
The best thing about this chapter was the inclusion of this great quote by Charles Swindoll. It was a good reminder to trust my gut about what's right for us.
In Chapter 3, she discusses the mixed feelings. Yeah, we feel conflicted. Who doesn't? There are definite ups and downs to creating a family this way, just as there are ups and downs with a biological family. Mixed feelings are just part of any relationship and growth. Adoptive families aren't any different in this respect (at least my in my experience thus far).
I didn't answer any of the discussion questions because I thought they were sort of ridiculous and obvious.
What was your take? Is anyone else out there besides Sarah, Elizabeth and Yvonne??
Next week I'm going for another two chapters...4 & 5.
Well, I have to say that I wasn't impressed with either of these chapters. I guess most of it felt like a rehash of things we learned in our pre-adoption training hours. Sort of obvious and not the "aha" kind of things that I was hoping to read.
In Chapter 2, she discusses life after adoption. Of course we have tried to imagine the changes that our children are experiencing. And yes, we find ourselves in a very new situation now that our children have come home. Duh.
The six common statements about adoption were interesting. I have wondered/feared many of those things before and sort of felt they were my dark secrets. The chart on page 31 was helpful, where she has the statements and how they might be interpreted and neutralized. And although they seemed very simplistic, I found myself coming back to them over and over.
Statement #1 (adoption produces irreparable wounds for the adopted child) is something that I've especially feared. I don't believe anything is irreparable and one of my personal mantras is "history is not destiny." I don't want LM's adoptive history to define who he is or how he lives his life. I know it will affect it. But it doesn't have to define it. I have heard many adoptees use their adoption as an "excuse for dysfunction" as Eldridge writes, and that is something I worry about.
Statement #3 (adoptive families are just like biological families) We are and we aren't. Sometimes I long for the seeming simplicity of biological families. No wondering if the child is attaching or not. No worries about the big questions they will have about their past. You get the idea. But Eldridge's suggestion of how this statement might translate to parents stopped me dead--"I can't share adoption-related challenges with anyone. I must be happy."
I didn't realize I'd been feeling this way until I read it. People expect us to be happy. And we are. We finally have what we've been waiting for. But there are parts of it that aren't always happy and people don't want to know about that. I hesitate to share those frustrations/challenges/insecurities with people because I don't want to come off as ungrateful.
The best thing about this chapter was the inclusion of this great quote by Charles Swindoll. It was a good reminder to trust my gut about what's right for us.
"Not all advice is good advice--not even when the one who gives the advice thinks it's the right advice. Sometimes it is given in all sincerity, but it is still faulty."
In Chapter 3, she discusses the mixed feelings. Yeah, we feel conflicted. Who doesn't? There are definite ups and downs to creating a family this way, just as there are ups and downs with a biological family. Mixed feelings are just part of any relationship and growth. Adoptive families aren't any different in this respect (at least my in my experience thus far).
I didn't answer any of the discussion questions because I thought they were sort of ridiculous and obvious.
What was your take? Is anyone else out there besides Sarah, Elizabeth and Yvonne??
Next week I'm going for another two chapters...4 & 5.
8.12.2011
Friday Round Up-Anniversary edition--8.12.2011
 |
| Grass and clouds. © Cheese Curds and Kimchi |
I can remember my great-grandmother, telling me with her thick Dutch accent, "The older you get, the faster time goes." And I'll be damned if she wasn't right.
Yesterday reminded me just how fast time is going. It was 21 years ago on August 11 that I "met" The Man. I say "met" because he and I actually went to high school together and were friends well before we started dating. It was a really small school and there were only about 100 kids in our class. However, we never dated in high school. We liked one another but seemed to have bad timing--when I was available he had a girlfriend, and when he was available I had a boyfriend.
We graduated and went our separate ways. To be honest, I really hadn't thought of him in years until I "met" him at a friend's wedding about 3 years later. And I couldn't take my eyes off of him. We ended up hanging out throughout the reception, leaving the party (his brother came with us too), hanging out drinking beer and hot-tubbing at my parents house, and then lying on the grass talking and looking at the stars until 6 a.m. We married about a year and a half after that.
It was also three months ago yesterday that I was on a 14-hour plane trip with that same guy, flying home with our sweet baby boy. Much like the night I met his father, we stayed up throughout the night. Only this time, instead of staring at one another, we were staring at a beautiful child who is our son. (And trying to figure out how to diaper him, feed him, entertain him, etc.)
We celebrated both events on Thursday much like you might imagine--by eating ice cream, deep friend cheese curds, and looking at the pigs at the Wisconsin State Fair.
I guess the 11th is my lucky day!
Have a great weekend!
**************************
To make for a cause: Click For Babies: Period of Purple Crying Hats
To dream: Kid's rooms to drool over!
To fight fair: Fighting Words?
To understand privilege: White privilege-with great power comes responsibilities
To laugh. A lot: The Six Stages of Tantrums
To eat: The World's Best M&M Cookies
To understand: Gratitude (but not the kind that you might be thinking of)
To make the ride fun: Road Trip Bingo printable
8.11.2011
Three months
Hello sweet boy,
I shed a few tears last night as I thought about it. Three months ago today, we became a family.
Was it really only twelve weeks ago that Daddy and I arrived at the agency in Seoul with sweaty palms and nervous looks? We arrived over an hour early because we didn't want to be late for the most important date of our lives. So we passed the time at a nearby cafe and tried to eat breakfast, but we couldn't eat a thing. All we could think of was you and that in less than an hour, we would become a family. Soon, you would be our son. It was a tough thing to wrap our minds around.
We used to stare at your photo and wonder what you would be like. All of the photos we had showed a serious and thoughtful boy. When we first met you, a few days before our family day, we were delighted when you greeted us with a beautiful smile at the door. You delighted us with your charming nature, curiosity and tenacity. We asked ourselves how could we have been so lucky to have been chosen to be your parents?
It's been a long road for us all. Three months have passed in a blink, and yet seem to have stretched out for a lifetime. It seems that you've always been with us and it's hard to remember just what we did before you were a part of us.
Each day we marvel at the new things you discover and celebrate with you as you master new skills. You are bull-headed (like your mama) and funny (like your daddy). And smart as a whip! You've brought so much delight and love into our lives. I don't think we can ever express how thankful that we found one another.
Becoming a family takes time. I remind myself of that often. We have come far in our months together but still have so much work to do. You still aren't sure about us yet, and I understand that. We are still learning how to figure one another out and these things take time. You keep your emotions close to your heart and we aren't always sure just what you are feeling. That's really tough for me because I feel like your mommy should know these things. But I'm keeping the big picture in mind, (as daddy reminds me to do) and I promise, I'm working hard to figure these things out.
You are stuck with us, kid. It's only been three months my love, but we are on this journey together and we'll always be by your side. No matter what.
So happy three-month-a-versary my sweetheart. I can't wait to see what the next three months brings.
All my love,
Mommy
I shed a few tears last night as I thought about it. Three months ago today, we became a family.
Was it really only twelve weeks ago that Daddy and I arrived at the agency in Seoul with sweaty palms and nervous looks? We arrived over an hour early because we didn't want to be late for the most important date of our lives. So we passed the time at a nearby cafe and tried to eat breakfast, but we couldn't eat a thing. All we could think of was you and that in less than an hour, we would become a family. Soon, you would be our son. It was a tough thing to wrap our minds around.
We used to stare at your photo and wonder what you would be like. All of the photos we had showed a serious and thoughtful boy. When we first met you, a few days before our family day, we were delighted when you greeted us with a beautiful smile at the door. You delighted us with your charming nature, curiosity and tenacity. We asked ourselves how could we have been so lucky to have been chosen to be your parents?
It's been a long road for us all. Three months have passed in a blink, and yet seem to have stretched out for a lifetime. It seems that you've always been with us and it's hard to remember just what we did before you were a part of us.
Each day we marvel at the new things you discover and celebrate with you as you master new skills. You are bull-headed (like your mama) and funny (like your daddy). And smart as a whip! You've brought so much delight and love into our lives. I don't think we can ever express how thankful that we found one another.
Becoming a family takes time. I remind myself of that often. We have come far in our months together but still have so much work to do. You still aren't sure about us yet, and I understand that. We are still learning how to figure one another out and these things take time. You keep your emotions close to your heart and we aren't always sure just what you are feeling. That's really tough for me because I feel like your mommy should know these things. But I'm keeping the big picture in mind, (as daddy reminds me to do) and I promise, I'm working hard to figure these things out.
You are stuck with us, kid. It's only been three months my love, but we are on this journey together and we'll always be by your side. No matter what.
So happy three-month-a-versary my sweetheart. I can't wait to see what the next three months brings.
All my love,
Mommy
8.10.2011
EPs are moving!
Yipee! Heard some good news from some adoptive families today and a few have received EPs. This is following the devastating news in June that there would be no more EPs issued by the Korean government for the remainder of the year.
Here's a link with some details on the EP movement: The EP process has started to flow again in Korea
MPAK's site also had the best information on the EP halt that I had read anywhere. Read that post HERE.
Here's also a few other random links I found recently, detailing the policy changes from Korea that could affect international adoptions.
Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network--details on the new One Parent Family Support Law. Article 20 is particularly interesting:
Hoping that those waiting families will be able to bring their children home soon and thankful that the Korean government has been able to move the process forward again.
Here's a link with some details on the EP movement: The EP process has started to flow again in Korea
MPAK's site also had the best information on the EP halt that I had read anywhere. Read that post HERE.
Here's also a few other random links I found recently, detailing the policy changes from Korea that could affect international adoptions.
Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network--details on the new One Parent Family Support Law. Article 20 is particularly interesting:
"Adoption agency are not allowed to establish or run maternity homes from July 1, 2015. Unwed mothers’ homes that are currently run by adoption agencies should be closed or changed into social welfare facilities for one parent families by the aforementioned date. "Bethany Christian Services' blog
Hoping that those waiting families will be able to bring their children home soon and thankful that the Korean government has been able to move the process forward again.
8.09.2011
Travel tip: Seoul Metropolitan Subway
Super awesome video that makes me really miss Seoul! They had the coolest subway system and this song plays when you come into a transfer station. During our stay it became embedded in our brains. I couldn't help but smile when I heard it on this video today.
This subway system was really incredible. Super easy to use, well designed, intuitive, and really safe. Around most of the stations there are huge underground malls too. If you are traveling around the city, don't be intimidated by the subway. Ride it!
According to the Seoul Metropolitan Rapid Transit Corporation's site, the system is "the largest and most extensive metropolitan subway system in the Republic of Korea with a total of 148 stations throughout lines 5~8. Serving 2.7 million passengers daily with a total reach of almost 152km, SMRT stands at the center of Seoul’s public transportation system and is recognized as the world’s fourth largest metropolitan subway corporation."
Oh yeah, and their slogan cracks me up too. (The fact that a subway even has a slogan is another thing!)
Smile with YOU.
For more information on Seoul's subway system, here's some links.
Visit Korea (details on how to purchase tickets, how to read subway signs, etc.)
Seoul Metropolitan Rapid Transit Corp (general information on routes, culture activities near stations)
Urban Rail (history and details on the subway lines and their construction)
This subway system was really incredible. Super easy to use, well designed, intuitive, and really safe. Around most of the stations there are huge underground malls too. If you are traveling around the city, don't be intimidated by the subway. Ride it!
According to the Seoul Metropolitan Rapid Transit Corporation's site, the system is "the largest and most extensive metropolitan subway system in the Republic of Korea with a total of 148 stations throughout lines 5~8. Serving 2.7 million passengers daily with a total reach of almost 152km, SMRT stands at the center of Seoul’s public transportation system and is recognized as the world’s fourth largest metropolitan subway corporation."
Oh yeah, and their slogan cracks me up too. (The fact that a subway even has a slogan is another thing!)
Smile with YOU.
For more information on Seoul's subway system, here's some links.
Visit Korea (details on how to purchase tickets, how to read subway signs, etc.)
Seoul Metropolitan Rapid Transit Corp (general information on routes, culture activities near stations)
Urban Rail (history and details on the subway lines and their construction)
8.08.2011
Book Club Monday
Our first book club Monday! I should be all dressed up in heels with lipstick on, welcoming you at the door with a fruity, umbrella-topped drink. But really, I'm on the couch, in my sweats with a cold cup of coffee and hoping LM stays asleep for more than 30-minutes so I can try and organize my thoughts.
For more info on the book we are reading, click HERE. All passages with page numbers are from Sherrie Eldridge's book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed.
Since I've never been in book club before, I really have no idea what to do. So let's just dive in and see what happens. Use the comments area to chime in the discussion, ask questions, or give your own opinions on the book. What's important here is the conversation, and to build a community where we can support one another to become the best parents that we can be!
Suggested discussion questions from the book:
My take:
As I read, I highlighted the things that spoke to me, and I realized there's a bit of a theme. Here's the passages that stuck out to me:
I acknowledge that my concerns, at this point in our journey, are largely related to my role as a parent--my need to know I'm doing this parenting thing right. I'm also feeling a bit unsure of myself and LM's feelings for me. Ihope know much of this will change as our relationship grows, but right now, three months into our relationship, this is where I stand. Maybe my concerns about my abilities as a mom speak more to my insecurity as a new parent than about being an adoptive parent specifically.
The worry about what is *normal*---yeah, I do that alot. Right now, I wonder "is this normal toddler behavior or is this because he's grieving?" and the thing I grapple with is that I'll never know for sure. That's tough for me because if I don't know what the problem is, how can I *fix* it? And even that statement is silly, because adoption isn't something you can *fix*. And really, what does it matter if anything is normal or not? I'm trying to understand how I can accept things as they are and not hold them against some imaginary bar of *normal*.
I love the quote about love being a commitment to our children. This quote really highlights my relationship with LM right now as he tends to push me away when he's hurt or frustrated even though I know that he wants the closeness. I have felt hurt when this happens, but struggled mightily to not go to that place of feeling rejected. I try to identify with how he must be feeling (frustrated, scared, etc.) and that keeps me rooted in his emotions instead of mine.
To address a few of the discussion questions--
1. My definition of successful parenting (adoptive or not) would be to raise compassionate and independent children by being encouraging, committed to them, and truthful with them. Those definitions hold for me after reading the chapter. I'm not sure I'd change that definition because we are an adoptive family.
3. This is a really key point for me. I tend to base everything on outcome. Right now, I'm embarrassed to say, that I frequently define worth by performance. I hold myself to that standard, which means that I often have a love/loathe relationship with myself depending on my performance at that moment. Not able to nail the perfect photo at a crucial time? I'm a terrible photographer and need to find a new profession. Handled a tough discussion with a friend in a sensitive way? I'm a great person!
I've also transferred this type of judgment to my relationship with The Man. He says something snippy to me? He's a jerk. He remembers to pick up milk on his way home? He's the best husband ever. There is no gray for me, it's all good or all bad.
That's my type-A perfectionism kicking into overdrive. And it's not healthy for any relationship, because the people who I hold to this standard are constantly in a competition with themselves. They don't know it, but if they aren't performing up to snuff, I'm noting that. This is exhausting, ridiculous and sad. I've been working on it for years, and there's probably some deep psychoanalytical reason why I do this. Maybe to keep me from feeling hurt when I'm disappointed. But it also gets in the way of having the close and intimate relationships that I want. It's still a work in progress, but I know that it's even more important to pay attention to now.
OK, your turn. What's your take?
For more info on the book we are reading, click HERE. All passages with page numbers are from Sherrie Eldridge's book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed.
Since I've never been in book club before, I really have no idea what to do. So let's just dive in and see what happens. Use the comments area to chime in the discussion, ask questions, or give your own opinions on the book. What's important here is the conversation, and to build a community where we can support one another to become the best parents that we can be!
Suggested discussion questions from the book:
- How would you have defined successful adoptive parenting before reading this chapter? Use descriptive, powerful, one-word definitions. Then think of an example that illustrates your one-word (or several-word) definition.
- How would you describe the sweet spot of success for yourself as a parent of an adopted child? Have you experienced it? If not, what might you do to find it?
- Describe the difference between defining one's worth as a parent, or child, by performance instead of by person hood. How would both a parent and a child behave under each of these categories?
- What do you need from the group before meeting again?
My take:
As I read, I highlighted the things that spoke to me, and I realized there's a bit of a theme. Here's the passages that stuck out to me:
"Perhaps they're studying the map for the exit called "Normal, which will lead them in the direction of knowing what is normal for adoptive parents and children." (pg xxii)
"You face parenting with an extra layer of challenges that the nonadopted world likely will never comprehend: your child's abandonment and attachment issues, unresolved grief, loss of the birth family and foster family, missing or painful birth histories...all occurring before your child came to live permanently with you." (pg 8)
"Your child's positive, negative or passive response to all of your input doesn't indicate success." (pg 8)
"Parenting Success, Adoption-style: to base love and acceptance of my child on his personhood, not his performance. (pg 9)
"My love as a mom is one of commitment---one that doesn't quit even when they want to." (pg 10)
"...the core need of an adoptive parent's heart---to know that your child loves you." (pg 11)
I acknowledge that my concerns, at this point in our journey, are largely related to my role as a parent--my need to know I'm doing this parenting thing right. I'm also feeling a bit unsure of myself and LM's feelings for me. I
The worry about what is *normal*---yeah, I do that alot. Right now, I wonder "is this normal toddler behavior or is this because he's grieving?" and the thing I grapple with is that I'll never know for sure. That's tough for me because if I don't know what the problem is, how can I *fix* it? And even that statement is silly, because adoption isn't something you can *fix*. And really, what does it matter if anything is normal or not? I'm trying to understand how I can accept things as they are and not hold them against some imaginary bar of *normal*.
I love the quote about love being a commitment to our children. This quote really highlights my relationship with LM right now as he tends to push me away when he's hurt or frustrated even though I know that he wants the closeness. I have felt hurt when this happens, but struggled mightily to not go to that place of feeling rejected. I try to identify with how he must be feeling (frustrated, scared, etc.) and that keeps me rooted in his emotions instead of mine.
To address a few of the discussion questions--
1. My definition of successful parenting (adoptive or not) would be to raise compassionate and independent children by being encouraging, committed to them, and truthful with them. Those definitions hold for me after reading the chapter. I'm not sure I'd change that definition because we are an adoptive family.
3. This is a really key point for me. I tend to base everything on outcome. Right now, I'm embarrassed to say, that I frequently define worth by performance. I hold myself to that standard, which means that I often have a love/loathe relationship with myself depending on my performance at that moment. Not able to nail the perfect photo at a crucial time? I'm a terrible photographer and need to find a new profession. Handled a tough discussion with a friend in a sensitive way? I'm a great person!
I've also transferred this type of judgment to my relationship with The Man. He says something snippy to me? He's a jerk. He remembers to pick up milk on his way home? He's the best husband ever. There is no gray for me, it's all good or all bad.
That's my type-A perfectionism kicking into overdrive. And it's not healthy for any relationship, because the people who I hold to this standard are constantly in a competition with themselves. They don't know it, but if they aren't performing up to snuff, I'm noting that. This is exhausting, ridiculous and sad. I've been working on it for years, and there's probably some deep psychoanalytical reason why I do this. Maybe to keep me from feeling hurt when I'm disappointed. But it also gets in the way of having the close and intimate relationships that I want. It's still a work in progress, but I know that it's even more important to pay attention to now.
OK, your turn. What's your take?
8.05.2011
Friday Round Up--8.5.2011
So, my friend S. sent me an email after the post about THIS post, and because she is a smart and thoughtful person, she asked just why I bristle at the "is he adopted question."
And Anonymous commented on the post, stating "We have an adopted African American beautiful little girl. And yes are conspicuous family. This is my question. What IS an appropriate way to ask if a child is adopted. I have an adopted child, yet, I get nervous to ask such a question other conspicuous families.... Any suggestions?"
Both of these questions stuck with me yesterday.
First, asking if LM is adopted doesn't really bother me as much as how the question is asked. We knew we'd encounter these questions well before we our sweet boy's face. When we first chose international adoption, and to have a child who didn't look like us, we understood that we would be a family that looked a little different. And we were OK with that.
We still are. And damn proud of LM, and the beautiful country he was born in. I have no problem sharing that with people. If they ask politely.
The questions just remind us that as we struggle to be "normal", the world will always see us a little different. I guess that a minor irritation.
To answer Anonymous, I don't know if there IS an appropriate way to ask. It likely varies from family to family. I have also refrained from asking when I've seen other families that have children of color. I feel an instant kinship with them and want to talk with them, share our common experiences. But I don't. They probably get enough of that from those other types of folks too.
But there is a way to make a connection---we were at a street fair the other day and the lady we were buying honey from was cooing over LM. "He's beautiful," she said and we beamed. I thought the next question was coming, but then she pointed to an Asian girl sitting on the curb. "That's my daughter," she said. "She's from Vietnam. And my son is from Guatemala."
She established a connection between us, but she never asked if LM was adopted or said her children were. They were just our children. No explanation of how they came to be ours. And I guess that's the turning point from me. They are our children. Period. I liked that.
The other thing I realized after pondering this question is how defensive I am about it. Whenever people ask, or I think they are about to, I find myself gearing up for the worst. Unfortunately the negative experiences we've had (albeit a few, but I've heard enough other stories to make me know there will be more) have made me feel on guard. I think that stems from people making assumptions about us based on our decision to adopt. Generally, they think we are power-Christians doing the will of God as written in the bible (no offense, but this is not the reason we adopted); think that one of us is infertile (this is also not the reason) and, gasp, they sometimes have the audacity to ask which one; or they judge us because we adopted one of those *foreign* kids when we should be taking care of the kids right here in the USA. Obviously that one really pisses me off.
We've learned to be wary of those folks because the conversations, as short as we try to keep them, just end up frustrating us or leading to very awkward moments. So when the question "is he adopted" comes up, the learned response is for us to be on the defensive.
Many of these interactions, no matter how brief, remind me that there are a lot of rude and insensitive people out there. And that is just depressing.
I really love Michelle and Stefan's answer: "Smile and walk away." It makes the most sense. I'm not good at that approach. I often feel some strange sense of obligation to be a good steward of adoption. I feel compelled to explain myself and our decisions. And, I am damn proud of this boy and want to share our joy with the world. As Yvonne commented, you don't have to "feel like you have to really answer the question."
Smile and walk away would be the best way to handle those people who's interest in our lives comes from a judgmental place. Now I just have to learn how to do it.
********************************
In other matters, LM met his other grandma yesterday! She was very brave and flew (although the last big flight she took was 55 years ago) all by herself. He was a bit bashful when he first met her, but has since decided she's a good egg and likes to entertain her with his antics.
Grandma will be with us for 10 days, and we will be heading off to the Wisconsin State Fair, one of Daddy's bike races, and a few street fairs. Who knows what other trouble we can get into.
Happy weekend to you!
********************************
To learn to write: Alphabet Tracing Pages
To organize: Clever uses for tension rods
To ponder: Either You Have It Or You Don't. Period.
To consider: Kung Fu Panda 2 Takes On Adoption
To make for a girl: Summer Vacation Dress
And Anonymous commented on the post, stating "We have an adopted African American beautiful little girl. And yes are conspicuous family. This is my question. What IS an appropriate way to ask if a child is adopted. I have an adopted child, yet, I get nervous to ask such a question other conspicuous families.... Any suggestions?"
Both of these questions stuck with me yesterday.
First, asking if LM is adopted doesn't really bother me as much as how the question is asked. We knew we'd encounter these questions well before we our sweet boy's face. When we first chose international adoption, and to have a child who didn't look like us, we understood that we would be a family that looked a little different. And we were OK with that.
We still are. And damn proud of LM, and the beautiful country he was born in. I have no problem sharing that with people. If they ask politely.
The questions just remind us that as we struggle to be "normal", the world will always see us a little different. I guess that a minor irritation.
To answer Anonymous, I don't know if there IS an appropriate way to ask. It likely varies from family to family. I have also refrained from asking when I've seen other families that have children of color. I feel an instant kinship with them and want to talk with them, share our common experiences. But I don't. They probably get enough of that from those other types of folks too.
But there is a way to make a connection---we were at a street fair the other day and the lady we were buying honey from was cooing over LM. "He's beautiful," she said and we beamed. I thought the next question was coming, but then she pointed to an Asian girl sitting on the curb. "That's my daughter," she said. "She's from Vietnam. And my son is from Guatemala."
She established a connection between us, but she never asked if LM was adopted or said her children were. They were just our children. No explanation of how they came to be ours. And I guess that's the turning point from me. They are our children. Period. I liked that.
The other thing I realized after pondering this question is how defensive I am about it. Whenever people ask, or I think they are about to, I find myself gearing up for the worst. Unfortunately the negative experiences we've had (albeit a few, but I've heard enough other stories to make me know there will be more) have made me feel on guard. I think that stems from people making assumptions about us based on our decision to adopt. Generally, they think we are power-Christians doing the will of God as written in the bible (no offense, but this is not the reason we adopted); think that one of us is infertile (this is also not the reason) and, gasp, they sometimes have the audacity to ask which one; or they judge us because we adopted one of those *foreign* kids when we should be taking care of the kids right here in the USA. Obviously that one really pisses me off.
We've learned to be wary of those folks because the conversations, as short as we try to keep them, just end up frustrating us or leading to very awkward moments. So when the question "is he adopted" comes up, the learned response is for us to be on the defensive.
Many of these interactions, no matter how brief, remind me that there are a lot of rude and insensitive people out there. And that is just depressing.
I really love Michelle and Stefan's answer: "Smile and walk away." It makes the most sense. I'm not good at that approach. I often feel some strange sense of obligation to be a good steward of adoption. I feel compelled to explain myself and our decisions. And, I am damn proud of this boy and want to share our joy with the world. As Yvonne commented, you don't have to "feel like you have to really answer the question."
Smile and walk away would be the best way to handle those people who's interest in our lives comes from a judgmental place. Now I just have to learn how to do it.
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In other matters, LM met his other grandma yesterday! She was very brave and flew (although the last big flight she took was 55 years ago) all by herself. He was a bit bashful when he first met her, but has since decided she's a good egg and likes to entertain her with his antics.
Grandma will be with us for 10 days, and we will be heading off to the Wisconsin State Fair, one of Daddy's bike races, and a few street fairs. Who knows what other trouble we can get into.
Happy weekend to you!
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To learn to write: Alphabet Tracing Pages
To organize: Clever uses for tension rods
To ponder: Either You Have It Or You Don't. Period.
To consider: Kung Fu Panda 2 Takes On Adoption
To make for a girl: Summer Vacation Dress
8.02.2011
The right and wrong ways to ask if my child is adopted
THE SCENE:
A riverboat cruise on a weekday mid-afternoon. LM is snuggled in his carrier and we are standing in the shade, away from our family.
A woman, about 50-ish, who is a professor with a local university is on an outing with about 50 college students, most of them Asian, who are attending a 6-week ESL program at the school. The students have come from throughout the world for the program.
THE QUESTION:
The instructor bounces up to me, gets a close look at LM, and the first thing out of her mouth is, "Is your baby daddy Asian?"
THE VERDICT:
Definitely the wrong way to ask. A) None of your damned business. B) Baby daddy??? C) Perhaps a little more sensitivity training should be mandatory for someone who is facilitating an ESL program.
My reply, by the way, wasn't exactly something I'm proud of. I told her that I assumed he was Asian but that I never met him. The reply really bothered me because my baby's Daddy is a very awesome Caucasian guy. In order to be a smart ass, I didn't acknowledge The Man as LM's father. Very bad Mommy.
I've since thought of at least 10 different answers to hopefully make idiots like this realize they are completely inappropriate. Can't wait to try them out on the next moron.
{insert evil laugh here}
2)
THE SCENE:
The same riverboat as mentioned in the example above.
THE QUESTION:
One of the Japanese ESL students, after having talked with me for about 20 minutes, carefully stated "your baby looks part Asian."
THE VERDICT:
This made me laugh, because my baby does indeed look part Asian. I loved the fact that she wasn't making any assumptions, and perhaps because the inquiry came from an Asian, it didn't seem inappropriate. I informed her that he was fully Asian, and shared that LM was born in Korea.
3)
THE SCENE:
Lunch with the family at a nice restaurant. The waitress was attentive and swift. She fussed sweetly over LM as he ate happily in his high chair.
THE QUESTION:
As we were finishing our meal, the waitress asked casually "is he adopted?"
THE VERDICT:
This was an appropriate question. We often reply to these inquiries with our own question-- "why do you ask?" but I didn't do it this time. When I said, yes, he was adopted, she nodded and said "so am I."
This led into a lovely discussion where she shared many details about her adoption at the age of 3 from Bulgaria. It was a chance for me to talk to a young adult about her adoption experience. Her question was sensitive and she was willing to share her adoption story with us, so I think it was really appropriate.
___________________
When I was telling these stories to someone recently, he said, "get ready to hear that for the rest of your life" which sort of pissed me off. Yes, we know that as long as there are nosy and insensitive people, we'll be dealing with these type of inquiries. And yes, being a conspicuous family certainly attracts a bit of attention.
But it still doesn't take away the annoyance of having to deal with these questions.
8.01.2011
Fresh start Monday
A reminder--one week to go until the Cheese Curds and Kimchi Book Club officially begins and we discuss 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed. Catch up on the book club idea HERE. If you've already read the book, please feel free to chime in. And even if you haven't, we'd still love to have you in on the discussion! See you here next week!
_____________
My Goo.gle Reader was about to implode.
Each time I opened it, I winced at seeing over 1000 posts that were unread. I felt obligated to read each and every one. But dang is it hard to find the time to do it with LM climbing and running and poking his finger in the dog's butt.
I know, I know. Admittedly it's silly to feel guilty about not reading people's blogs when they probably have no idea that I'm reading them at all. But it's just is one example of how I feel like I'm falling behind on things. Whether it's a real "must do" or not, getting behind makes me feel uncomfortable and grumpy. The Type A in me wants to get everything done, on time and done well. I'm having to acknowledge that some things will go on the back burner. Some things might get done but not as well as I'd like to do them. And some things, gasp, may never get done. That's where the guilty feeling comes in.
Anyway, I've been wincing and avoiding reading the backed-up blog posts, and that blog monster was getting bigger and bigger.
Yesterday, I accidently hit "mark all as read." Really, it was an accident. I'm sure there's some Freudian theory that it was my subconscious at work. But consciously I didn't mean to make all those posts go away in just one click.
I felt bad for a second. And then, amazingly refreshed.
If only I could hit the erase button with the other must do's. Like tackling the giant accumulation of crap in our basement. Or finishing the stacks of thank-you cards that I have yet to send out. Or sorting through the boxes of stuff I "cleaned" from the car that never seem to get emptied. The list goes on and on.
Sigh.
So, if you are a blogger and I read your blog, and if you have some really big news, and I missed it, I apologize. I'll catch up later.
And if you figure out how I can "accidentally" hit a button that will make all that other stuff go away, let me know about that too.
_____________
 |
| {image credit} |
My Goo.gle Reader was about to implode.
Each time I opened it, I winced at seeing over 1000 posts that were unread. I felt obligated to read each and every one. But dang is it hard to find the time to do it with LM climbing and running and poking his finger in the dog's butt.
I know, I know. Admittedly it's silly to feel guilty about not reading people's blogs when they probably have no idea that I'm reading them at all. But it's just is one example of how I feel like I'm falling behind on things. Whether it's a real "must do" or not, getting behind makes me feel uncomfortable and grumpy. The Type A in me wants to get everything done, on time and done well. I'm having to acknowledge that some things will go on the back burner. Some things might get done but not as well as I'd like to do them. And some things, gasp, may never get done. That's where the guilty feeling comes in.
Anyway, I've been wincing and avoiding reading the backed-up blog posts, and that blog monster was getting bigger and bigger.
Yesterday, I accidently hit "mark all as read." Really, it was an accident. I'm sure there's some Freudian theory that it was my subconscious at work. But consciously I didn't mean to make all those posts go away in just one click.
I felt bad for a second. And then, amazingly refreshed.
If only I could hit the erase button with the other must do's. Like tackling the giant accumulation of crap in our basement. Or finishing the stacks of thank-you cards that I have yet to send out. Or sorting through the boxes of stuff I "cleaned" from the car that never seem to get emptied. The list goes on and on.
Sigh.
So, if you are a blogger and I read your blog, and if you have some really big news, and I missed it, I apologize. I'll catch up later.
And if you figure out how I can "accidentally" hit a button that will make all that other stuff go away, let me know about that too.
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