On pins and needles

People often ask "how was the adoption process"? For us, our adoption processes have been very different, but there were some prevailing things that we have experienced with both.

Hopefulness: Our first meeting with an adoption agency was incredibly exciting. It was our first step out into the wide world of adoption and the biggest thing I felt at that time was hopefullness and being a bit overwhelmed. It was hard to figure out which path was *right* for our family. As a person who is obsessed with doing things *right* or *wrong*, it took me a while to understand that becoming a family wasn't something you achieved by making a series of perfect decisions. We had many long conversations about race, culture and how we envisioned adoption would be incorporated into the thread of our family.

Determination: The home study phase was filled with determination and industriousness.There was the hunting and gathering of lots of necessary paperwork to complete the study. What an immense feeling of satisfaction as we slowly checked off things on that list! There were also many more deep conversations about how we saw our future as an adoptive family, and those nerve-wracking home study visits!! We were so terrified that our social worker would see some flaw that would eliminate us from the program. When I look back at this time I see that we just kept our noses to the grindstone and slowly moved through it.

Impatience: After the flurry of the home study process, this next phase is really slow and probably one of the hardest parts. We were ready for something to happen. Anything! We waited for our home study to be sent to Korea, then for a referral. Lots of waiting.

Helplessness: As the wait continues, I spent months feeling helpless. Everything about this process is out of your control.

Complete joy: Is there anything as wonderful as seeing the face of your child for the first time? The awe and amazement you feel to gaze upon their perfect features? We rode the high of our referral for weeks. There is a new flurry of activity that keeps you busy---accepting the referral, telling family, beginning to make preparations.

Impatience and helplessness: See above. The waiting here is worse than before, because now you know who you are waiting for. And that they are growing and learning each day.

Now we have entered one of the last stages.....

Pins and needles: This strange anticipation that fills my each waking moment. Little Brother walks with me like an invisible partner throughout the day. I feel like I can reach out and touch him at times. But then I remember just how far away he really is and what steps are left to bring him home.

Countless times a day, we check our email hoping for notification of a court date in Korea. One family in my waiting group just got notification of their court date---Jan. 27! They were submitted to court just one day ahead of us.

A second family announced today that they have a court date, and they were submitted a day after us.

AND...another family with our same agency, who has had the EXACT SAME DATES as us throughout the entire process, JUST GOT THEIR COURT DATE!! Feb. 4!!

So you see, this really can happen at any freaking minute. Yikes! My stomach flops just thinking about it. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed that it happens this week, because I'm not sure I can deal with the pins and needles phase one more minute longer!

*

Back to "what was the process like" question. If I could give one bit of advice to potential adoptive families, I would share with them that yes, the process can be challenging. It's easy to just focus on that part, because there's some deep down belief that once the child is home, you will feel complete.

But I'd encourage families to really try to understand more about "what's it like after they come home?" For us, that's when the really hard work began. All the emotions that we experienced---hopefulness, determination, impatience, helplessness, complete joy---we continued to experience at a much more intense level after Little Man came home.

There will be time to deal with that soon enough. Right now, enjoying the excitement and joy we feel that soon, Little Brother is coming home!!

Sweet Naleigh Moon

Sniff. Love a good adoption story! And the song is pretty sweet too.



Josh Kelley performs Naleigh Moon

Quotes from smart people - Helen Keller

© Cheese Curds and Kimchi

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."   

---Helen Keller

When I was a kid, I loved books about Annie Oakley and Trixie Belden. (For the record, I tried Nancy Drew, but she seemed a bit uptight. Trixie was much more similar to my tomboyish style.)

There was something about these outgoing girls that drew me in and I spent many a night with a flashlight under the sheets, reading about their adventures.

But as much as I adored the fantasy world of Trixie and the butt-kickin' ways of Annie, the woman who really captivated my imagination was Helen Keller.

It was Helen's tenacity that I adored. I marveled how she struggled to conquer the life she was given, when others had written off her life as worthless. She dared to want a life for herself that was more than others could envision.

Keller's fight was to live the best life she could. She knew the realities of her situation, and while she was likely haunted by "why me" at times, she seemed to have moved past that. She found a way to create a rich and full life despite the fact that she wasn't equipped the same as other people were.

When I came across this quote by Keller recently, I was reminded again of the power of her story--perhaps the suffering she refers to may be the loss of hearing and sight, but the lessons can be applied to the suffering of infertility and the journey to parenthood as well.

I wonder if we were in her position, how many of us would have become overwhelmed with the "why me"? Would we become trapped by that question, living our lives in despair and hopelessness, always allowing the "inequities" to keep us from having the lives we wanted?

For all those people I've met on this adoption journey, I think the answer would be 'no'. She was a fighter, and we are too. We are trying to live our lives as mothers/parents, despite the challenges that may be in our way. Whether the difficulties are infertility or adoption-related, we are forging forward, finding a way to create our families.

So what I take away from this quote...there are inequities, or suffering in life. The key to moving forward is to take one step at a time. Find the fortitude to move forward when you are consumed with unanswerable questions. Keep moving. And recognize that suffering and pain is all part of any journey that is worth taking.

Yep, Helen Keller still inspires me, after all these years.

Adoption power song

I've been running alot and got a new Nike+iPod gadget. It has a preference where you can set your "power song"--that song that gets you up the daunting hill, your go-to tune to help you crank up the speed at the finish line.

I love that word--POWER SONG. It's something that talks to you in an undefinable, deep way. It's the song that connects directly to your heart and soul.

For years my theme song power song has been "Drive" by Incubus. It's the song that I need to hear when my life feels out of control, when I'm at a crossroads, of if I'm battling the Monster of the Unknown. These lyrics inspire me to move forward--

/sometimes i feel the fear of
/uncertainty stinging clear
/and i can't help but ask myself how much
/i let the fear take the wheel and steer





So I started thinking that I need an adoption power song. My lovely Aunt C just sent me a copy of "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours" for Mother's Day. (Super thoughtful and sweet Aunt C!!) It has nice sentiment but it's not my power song.

Do you have an adoption power song? What gets you through the tough times? What gives you hope?

Guess others have looked to music for support and comfort as well, because there are plenty of adoption music lists out there. Here's a few links--

iAdopt - Great list with links to lyrics & songs
Adoption...the Songs you love - A CD of adoption songs
Grown in My Heart - Large collection of adoption songs

See the full lyrics for "Drive" here.