Happy Birthday, Little Brother

(A catch-up post)

November 2015 

Dearest Little Brother,

Well my sweets, you are three-years-old now. Or ‘bee’ as you say. Which of course, I adore.

I wish you could have had the lovely birthday party with your cousin and Grandma and Papa as we had planned, but no, you poor dear. You spent your birthday sick. 

Again.

Last year you had double pneumonia. You were so sick that I didn’t even bother to write you a letter. Instead we were frantically giving doses of medication, interspersed with doses of ibuprofen to the keep the fever down, and washing endless sheets. Because when you cough, you throw up.

Every. Single. Time.

Yes, I’m glad we all survived your two-year-old birthday illness. On to the three-year-old birthday plague which came in the form of the flu. Though we had dutifully taken you in for a flu shot just weeks before.

This birthday brought you temps of 104.4, a visit to urgent care, and more chest x-rays. But hooray for all of us! Just a little puking.

We have high hopes that for your 4^th birthday we might actually be able to follow through on the party we plan!

You’ve had such a year! We have delighted in watching your personality bloom as you grew more comfortable with us and our new surroundings.

You are a really funny boy. Your antics keep us giggling and your little smile is irresistible. 

You are happy and easy going mostly, except when that dratted two-year-old ‘I want it now’ mode kicks in. Then, you are quick to throw whatever is in your hands. We've learned to get out of the way or quickly disarm you.

But fortunately you are easily distracted and move on. You are a loyal little brother, which is befitting someone whose Korean name means ‘merciful friend.’ You love to follow Little Man around (which infuriates him) and attempt to copy everything he does. You adore him, though never miss an opportunity to antagonize him. And even when you are fighting like foes you will do a random act of kindness which melts the bad feelings away.

Gracefulness is not one of your gifts. Somehow you end up bleeding one way or another from crashing into things, falling down the stairs or scratching yourself. But you are tough! Really, your pain threshold is amazing. Even when Daddy had to carry you bleeding from the playground to get your eyebrow glued together, you weren’t crying from pain---you were just angry that the play session was cut short.

With your stocky build, low center of gravity, and high pain tolerance, we joke that you would be a football coach’s dream. Hate to tell you though…Mama isn’t going to let them get you!

What you lack in grace and agility, you make up for in engineering skills. Your favorite thing is to construct, destruct, and reconstruct. Blocks, Legos, Magformers, Rokenbok, Hot Wheels, train sets….if it can be built you will build it. You will stay busy building for over an hour. Mommy really loves that!

Some favorites of yours:

• Activity: Playing with the Hot Wheels track or building train tracks.
• Song: "All about that base" by Megan Trainor (Don't judge us, haha.)
• Color: Blue
• Foods: Strawberries, seaweed, rice, oatmeal
• Book: Anything with Thomas the Train

Well sweet boy, you bring such light and joy into our lives. I know big things are in store for you this year. Just don't lose your sweetness and love of snuggling!

Each day we thank your birth family. There aren’t enough words to tell them how we cherish you. We hope they are safe and at peace.

Love you bunches---

Mama

Sources for Korean Christmas Ornaments

Our 2014 family ornament from HERE.

Christmas is right around the corner! I'm trying not to panic! I'm using too many exclamations!

We aren't big-fuss holiday folks. Maybe that's because it's been just the two of us for most of our 20+ Christmas celebrations together. But I LOVE decorating the tree. We have boxes of ornaments, most of which were given to us as children. We ooh and ahh as the memories come back. Those ornaments are like tiny time capsules. The special ones from Iran given to The Man by his Aunt Shirley. The salt dough gingerbread man from my childhood who has survived for 40 years. The yellowed and frayed angel that my sister and I used to fight over every year.

We hang those ornaments on our aluminum tree, and somehow, all the Christmas love of the past is magically brought to the present. It's one of my favorite traditions.

Since the boys came home, we've been giving them ornaments each year too. We have some really fantastic ones that represent their Korean heritage, as well as a reminder of things they are interested at this specific age. Throughout the year we keep our eyes open for things that can be used as ornaments, writing the boys names and dates on them.

This year's special ornament was ordered from Etsy seller Geraldandkellyhong. It's a beautiful porcelain design in a light green glaze. It reads "family" and commemorates Little Brother's homecoming this year.

Another adoptive mama (Hi Yvonne!) was recently searching out sources for Korean-themed ornaments. They are hard to come by! So I thought I'd do a round-up of all the different adoption/Korean Christmas ornaments that I've been able to dig up.

We haven't ordered from most of these retailers, so I cannot speak about quality. But if you try them out or have favorite retailers of your own, please comment!

I LOVE these tag ornaments from EthiopiaDad. They are made from laser-cut wood and priced reasonably. He's taking pre-orders so if you like them, you should hop to it! There are also Korea-specific ornaments, but I really love this one. There's ornaments for plenty of other countries too such as China, Africa, and Guatemala.  http://www.ethiopiadad.com/collections/405960-korea-ornaments

Bronner's Christmas Wonderland in Michigan carries this blown glass South Korean flag.
http://www.bronners.com/product/korean-flag-glass-ornament.do

Etsy has a great selection of hand-crafted decorations. Try a variety of searches such as 'hangul' or 'korea christmas', 'korean ornament', etc. I LOVE these porcelain ornaments made by seller geraldandkellyhong. This one says 'family'. https://www.etsy.com/listing/170789641/korean-family-ceramic-ornament?ref=related-0

There's a waiting list for this adorable nativity scene made from Etsy seller mysakuraprincess.
I'm guessing you won't have it for this holiday but maybe get your order in for next year? There are other selections such as the three wise men. https://www.etsy.com/listing/167812432/korean-nativity-set-hand-painted-6?utm_source=OpenGraph&utm_medium=ConnectedShop&utm_campaign=Share

Seller rusticcraftdesign has these wooden ornaments which say 'I love you' on the front and can be personalized with a name or date on the back. https://www.etsy.com/listing/120351718/korean-i-love-you-with-heart-rustic-wood?ref=sr_gallery_20&ga_search_query=korea+ornament&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

This little polyresin ornament features a girl in Hanbok. There is also a version with angel wings. http://www.afk.com/catalog/Detail.tpl?command=search&db=afkstore.db&eqSKUdata=ORN302W&cart=1415745177192566

This ornament features a girl in Hanbok, made out of resin. Sold at Mandy's Moon.
http://www.mandysmoon.com/store/korean-girl-christmas-ornament

These miniature Korean drums aren't necessarily Christmas tree ornaments, but they would look great on our tree! http://www.aliexpress.com/item/Korea-Drum-crafts-macrobian-drum-4-h-p01622/919551590.html

Adoptiongiftsonline.com has a few ornaments tucked into their selection. You have to dig through and they look like they are printed on ceramic by Zazzle. http://adoptiongiftsonline.com/korea-adoption-gifts/

Zazzle has a huge selection as well and they are fully customizable. They are printed metal but look to be a bit more ornate, depending on the design. http://www.zazzle.com.au/korean+ornaments

CafePress has a huge selection. They are flat aluminum ornaments with a printed design. http://www.cafepress.com/+korea+ornaments

Don't forget to check Amazon and Ebay! I found this hand-painted Korean fan dancer on Amazon! 

Korean Fan Dancer Hand-painted Glass Ball Ornament

And, one last thought. You can trim your tree with home-made ornaments! Here's a few ideas:

Knotting is a very popular artform in Korea. Here are instructions for a good luck knot. http://doitandhow.com/2013/06/21/good-luck-knot/

Or you could have the kids make a Sam Taeguk fan. This would also be pretty cute made out of salt dough clay! http://www.incultureparent.com/2011/04/korean-craft-make-a-traditional-sam-taeguk-fan/

These beautiful paper lotus lamps are typically used to celebrate Buddha's Birthday, but they would look fantastic on a tree! The center of the flower has a paper cup to hold the traditional candle, but you could cut a small hole and push a tree light through there for the same effect. http://www.incultureparent.com/2012/05/lotus-lanterns-for-wesak-buddha-day/

Asian and multicultural dolls for kids

Hi all.

Just a quick note. I recently learned about this great company called Pattycake Doll Company, that specializes in dolls that aren't...mainstream.

You know, boy dolls. Asian dolls. Multicultural dolls.

I haven't purchased from this company so I can't vouch for the quality. But I know that hunting down dolls of color can be a challenge.  In our house we only have one doll set, the Plan Toy Doll House Asian Family. I think it's important to have dolls that reflect a variety of faces and cultures, but our boys tend to prefer animals at this point.

Here's the link to Pattycake's Asian dolls page: http://www.pattycakedoll.com/asian_dolls

Have you ordered from Pattycake before?

Big Brother is 4!

(Finally getting around to posting this....Little Man turned 4 in July!)

Dear Little Man,

The kids were all gathered around party table as I put the candles into the chocolate cupcake topped with purple frosting.

One.

Two.

Three.

As I prepared to light the candles, The Man says, "you ARE going to put one more on, right". Ack! I still couldn't get it into my brain. You are 4 now!

Four years old!

생일 축하합니다! 

We filled the hallway with balloons again this year, so you would wake up and know it was your special day. We were going to put them in your bedroom this year instead of the hallway, but you've taken to getting up in the middle of the night and we didn't want to scare you if your room was filled with balloons.

For breakfast, a big chocolate birthday doughnut. With sprinkles of course. You LOVE sprinkles.

We had quite a few birthday celebrations for you. Our little family celebrated on your actual birthday. Then a small party at your school the next day. And then the big shindig over the weekend. A gymnastics party! It was lots of fun and you had a blast running with all your pals at one of your favorite places to play.

Here's some things that you do and like at this age:

Pink and purple still reign as the colors of choice.

You love silky short soccer outfits. You want to wear them everyday, to bed and to school. We often have to wash the outfits at night so you can wear them days in a row.

You are a very talented gymnast! We put you in classes six-months ago and you have been promoted three times already! You are now in a class with 5-6 year olds and you can do everything they can do easily. The teachers are very excited about your progress and the team coach says they are keeping an eye on you. I am partially thrilled by this, partially terrified. I know what a commitment competitive gymnastics is, and I also don't want to be one of those crazy gym moms who lives and dies by what skills their children can do. You absolutely love gymnastics and we are enjoying watching you explore this sport.

You love snap hair clips. You like to wear them in your hair all the time. You found some pink and purple ones at Tar.get and begged us to get them for you. They are one of your favorite possessions.

One of your front teeth has turned gray. This makes me so sad! We were playing in the living room and you crashed, slamming your teeth into the floor. Three weeks later, your tooth started to turn gray. :( The dentist says it's going to stay that way until you lose your baby teeth. You don't like the gray tooth and each night try to brush it away.

You can ride a two-wheeled bike without training wheels! We got the bike at the beginning of the summer. You were outgrowing your balance bike and were very ready for a new one. The pink one at the shop was too big for you. You settled for a cool black and red one and picked out a baby blue flugel horn to jazz it up.

You are very shy in new situations, but have shown great improvement in being brave and doing things although you are nervous.

Change is still difficult for you. We have to approach transitions during the day with lots of warning, as well as big things that are upcoming during the week. You are slowly (slowly) becoming more able to deal with these things. But usually change or transition results in tantrums.

Speaking of tantrums, you are still in the tantrum phase. Massively.

Your favorite holiday is Christmas, because you love Christmas lights. Your favorite TV show is Magic Schoolbus. Your favorite thing to wear is your Johnny Cash shirt and silky sports shorts. Your favorite drink is lemonade.

Arts and crafts are your thing. And baking. You and I do these things together a lot! You ask to do artwork every day. You are very precise about how you do things. You have been very into printed tapes lately and spend a long time wrapping up construction paper with tape to make "packages".

You know how to write your first and last names. You know all your upper and lower case letters and numbers through 25.

Your love of music is still really strong. You enjoy a wide array of genres. Currently your favorite is "Girls Generation", an all-girl band from Korea. You also adore Johnny Cash. And other favorites include LMFAO, PSY, and the soundtrack from Frozen. You don't really dance to music much. You actually study it, and will tell us what instruments you hear, or what the words say.

This year, you danced in public for the first time. We were at a community festival and there was a band playing. Your friends started dancing and you eventually joined in too. Up to this point, dancing was only done at home, with the lights out by the light of glow sticks. You had a great time. It's great to see you expanding your comfort zone.

Your grasp of language is amazing. You often ask "how do you say it" when you want to know the proper terminology for something. And then you remember it! One saying of yours that completely cracks us up, and you usually say incorrectly though, it to refer to tornado drills as "tomato drillos". You call all drills a "drillo". Not sure where you got that from, but we adore it.

And finally, you are a great big brother! It's been hard for you, for sure. But you are fiercely protective of your little brother and starting to want to include him when you play instead of play alone. You like to teach him new words. And especially like to encourage him to do naughty things.

You are growing up very fast, my dear. Hard to believe that we just have one more year before you begin kindergarten! Looking forward to seeing what this year brings.

xo

Mommy

We're all doing OK

Thanks to everyone who reached out in different ways after my last post. Your emails, messages and thoughts are greatly appreciated and helped during difficult moments. I know I am not the only one to have experienced losing a sibling and hope everyone who has been through it has as much support as I have had. I feel very thankful.

In the few weeks since we've been home following my sister's memorial we've all been doing OK. We have our ups and downs, but over all, I have to say the boys have been amazing.

Little Brother has really made big strides. While we were with family, he was fussy and sensitive. He'd cry when strangers entered the house. Wasn't sleeping well. And we had several hard-core grieving sessions, including one on the plane. (Be glad you weren't on that flight.)

He wasn't his normal happy self but that was understandable since we were in a new place. I chalked it up to being tired from travel, in unfamiliar territory and being a toddler. A lot of the time though, he was playful and smiling, so I had no idea how strongly impacted he was by the trip. Until we returned home and walked into our house.

His eyes lit up and he started jumping up and down in his daddy's arms. He couldn't quit smiling and ran from place to place. It really became obvious that he didn't think we would return. Ever. Totally heartbreaking to think that he was dealing with that fear during the trip. Now, he's back to his happy self and making we are seeing some signs that he's settling in.

The biggest change is in his communication skills. He's started speaking more. Mostly it's Korean, but there are a few English words mixed in. I find this incredible because we use a lot of Korean words, but none of the Korean that we say to him are the words that he is speaking! We don't refer to ourselves in Korean because that's what he called his foster parents. We thought it would be confusing to him. We speak Korean for commands (don't throw, don't hit, go to sleep, take a bath, let's eat, etc.), objects & animals. Those kind of things.

So it's a surprise that he started to refer to us as 엄마 (Omma) which means 'Mommy' and 아빠 (Appa) or "Daddy". He screams 엄마 (Omma) all the time. It's his go to word. He wakes up yelling it. He says it when he cries. He walks around babbling it. He also loves to say 마마 (mama) which means food.

He's developing some strong communication skills by combining the few words he knows (usually Omma), and insistently pointing with his chubby pointer finger. When he wants something he will be persistent, and he lets you know if you are successful in giving him what he wants by enthusiastically clapping and laughing. If you choose the wrong thing, he swiftly turns his face away from you, or swipes his arms in a "get that away from me" gesture. His messages are very clear! 

This is a great thing for all of us. We are learning more about what he likes to do (he often runs to the radio/iPod player and points when he wants music), what he likes to drink and eat.

He is spending more time very close to us. If I'm working on dinner or at the computer, he brings his toys to play at my feet. If he goes a distance away from one of us, he frequently turns back to make sure we are around. He wants to be held A LOT which is tough, but I try to comply as often as he wishes.

When he gets hurt, he turns to us for comfort. THIS IS A BIG CHANGE!! He also wants comfort from us when he's been wronged (even if we are the ones who told him no) and when Little Man has taken his toys. He also brings things to us when he needs help or is frustrated. These are all very big signs that he knows we are dependable.

Now that he's feeling more secure in our home, he's begun working on typical toddler developmental tasks. When he first came home he wasn't feeding himself or walking. Now, he's practically running, loves to dance, and can feed himself. We still do a good share of feeding for attachment benefits, but he's fully capable of doing it himself now and starting to want to do everything himself! His pincher grasp has improved dramatically (he was just using a raking grasp to pick things up). He's fascinated with putting things in/taking things out of containers. This means we have to go through the garbage frequently, and that interesting items keep ending up in the toilet.

In fact, I think we are entering that typical toddler "I'm going to do it" attitude. He carefully studies what we are doing (or more often Little Man is doing) and then attempts. With that development comes the typical toddler tantrums. Little Brother can throw a dramatic one! He walks a few steps away, throws himself on the ground and then proceeds with full arm and leg flails. He'll turn to see if you are watching, and if you are, return to his demonstration. It's hard not to smile because they are so over the top! I'm sort of happy to see him doing this though, because it's normal development.

As for Little Man....he's struggling more than he was previously. He's still very sweet and loving with Little Brother, but seems to be missing his place as the baby of the house. He's actually wanted us to feed him, wants to be in the crib, etc. We've just continued to praise him for the big boy things he does and give him special big boy activities. 

Little Brother: On your 1.5 birthday

Dearest Little Brother,

Happy half-birthday! You are the ripe old age of 1.5 years old. And so much has already happened in your short life. Sometimes this makes me sad. But when I think about how much you've grown in the two months we've known you, I get happy again.

That's a lot like you are. You are a happy guy. It's rare you don't wake up with a smile. You wake up in the morning and push your sweet face into mine. I open my eyes to your grin. I love that.

You flop back down next to me and snuggle. I really love that.

You like to make noises and sing-songs and have me sing them back to you. Your Daddy calls this your "call and response" time. We love that.

When you are ready, you go to your bedroom door and pound on it. You get a huge smile when we leave the room and you toddle down the hall to the kitchen where The Man and Little Man are usually eating breakfast. When you came home just two months ago you were so used to being carried everywhere that you refused to walk. Now you are so fast that we have to hustle to keep up with you. We like that.

You are a massive eater! You are retty spoiled when it comes to meal time though, and like to be fed. Which works for us because whenever we put food on your tray, you look at us and laugh. You then immediately throw the food across the room. We aren't so crazy about that.

You are learning so much! You have figured out that launching toys over the baby gate to the basement results in interesting sounds as they hit the stairs on the way down. You also love to see how far you can throw any given toy and have deadly accurate aim. YOU love that. (The toys don't.)

When entering a room you have three missions: pour out the dog water; pull all lamps off tables or tip them over; reach on top of the highest surface you can find and retrieve items placed there to be out of your reach. This results in Mommy and Daddy frantically yelling NOOOOO as they run toward you. You also love that.

You can hold your own with Little Man, who thinks getting into your face is the appropriate way to communicate with a baby. He has been the recipient of many whacks to the face. This doesn't seem to be teaching him a lesson yet.

Your big brother has taught you some useful skills though, like using sign language for 'more' when you are eating, how to brush your teeth, and how much fun wrestling with Daddy is. We all like that.

You still grieve sometimes. You have a dynamite-fuse temper, which results in arms and legs swinging and throwing yourself to the ground. You think books taste good. You poop in the bathtub so often that we can only bathe you immediately after you've pooped. And even this strategy isn't enough to always avoid a brown floatie crisis. When we pick you up, you pat us ecstatically with both hands to let us know we made you happy. You are intrigued by the cats.

Your first English word was 'uh oh'. You say it alot. Usually right after you do something you aren't supposed to.

Your next words were 'doggy' and 'uh-mee'. The first is obvious. We finally figured out what the second one was.

Mommy. Melt.

I don't want time to pass too quickly. I don't want you to grow up too fast. But it's all spinning by at break-neck speed.

I am looking forward to your next birthday though, because it will be the first we get to share with you. And that's a special thing.

Love you bunches,

Uh-mee

Our Korean adventure, Part II: Toddler travel in Korea

Well, we were all kinds of concerned about bringing Little Man on this trip, but I can honestly say that we'd do it again! Some of the most powerful moments for us came from watching him experience Korea, a place we've read and talked about often. He was an incredible traveler and exceeded all our expectations which was a really happy discovery.

We had talked a lot about the trip and what he would see at each step, and he had it all memorized. When we got on the plane he marched on, buckled his seat belt and never looked back. He only had a hard time about six hours into the flight when he was exhausted and couldn't fall asleep. The tears lasted about 30-seconds and he was done. Other than that, for both flights, he watched the televisions, played a little iPad, and we only opened about 2-3 of the activities I had planned for him in either direction.

When we finally arrived Friday night in Korea we were totally wiped out. Another traveling family whom I had connected with through my Facebook adoption group were sweet enough to meet us at the bus stop when we came in, carried luggage and walked us to our hotel. No thinking required! Yay!

Jet lag was a bit of an issue for us the first few days. We had a hotel with a kitchenette which was a lifesaver. Little Man was usually up about 3 a.m. Sometimes we could get him back to bed until 4:30 a.m., but a typical day had us up around 4 a.m. and making macaroni and cheese for breakfast. The bummer with this was that we spent a lot of hours hanging in our hotel room because nothing was open yet.

We kept most of our days really light. Traveling with a toddler means you take things slow...painfully slow. We would head out in the morning, do or see something, return to the hotel for naptime, and then venture out again in the afternoon. I wish that we could have visited more cultural sites while there, but because of our schedules with Little Brother, that just didn't fit into our days.

Our first day in Korea we stayed close to the hotel. We checked out the Buddhist temple Bongeunsa which was beautiful and so peaceful! Because of our difficult schedule, it was also one of the few places we went where Little Man would experience traditional architecture. After the afternoon nap we hit the aquarium at Coex, a giant mall one subway stop from our hotel.

Sunday we ventured further from the hotel, heading about 45 minutes away to Seoul Tower and Namsan, which Little Man loved. It's wooded and beautiful but it was really foggy, so we couldn't see much. We walked about 30 minutes up to Namsan with Little Man in a backpack. After than, we splurged and took the cable car to the top. It was a fun ride but would have been amazing if it were a clear day.

Seoul Tower has a tradition of people placing locks on the fences and other areas to proclaim everlasting love. This tradition seems to be a Korean thing as there are places near the North/South Korea border where people have done the same thing. In 2011 we put a lock for Little Man up, but an entire fence line of locks had been removed, including ours. Totally a bummer.

This time we brought a brass lock, which The Man had engraved all of our names onto. We searched for a good place to put it where we hoped it wouldn't be removed. Who knows if it will last an eternity, but it was fun doing it.

One thing many of our friends have asked us about was how the Korean people responded to Little Man. We often get double takes here in the states, and in Korea, it was the same. People would see him and smile at him, then I'd watch their eyes travel up to look at us. Some people went out of their way to smile and nod at us. Some of the older people would seem to have a look of disdain or anger on their faces. Not sure if they always looked like that or if it was a reflection of how they felt about Westerners adopting Korean children.

Overwhelmingly though, the interactions were on the positive. People treated us as they treated others with young children, standing up to give us a seat on the subway, etc. Many people asked us if he was Korean. Then they wanted to know if he was 100% Korean. And many asked if we were his parents. Even if they couldn't speak English, we got questions when they would point to him, and then point to us questioningly.

One thing Little Man struggled with was that Koreans tend to be touch and feel children, even when they don't know the child. Americans are a bit more reserved in this. A stranger might reach out to pet Little Man's arm if they are talking to us about him, but Koreans just got right in his face. They would touch his hair or tickle his cheek. Some people whom we had just met actually wanted to take him from our arms and hold him. He doesn't like people being in his space so he usually turned away or refused to look at them. I don't blame him.

The other thing I found really funny was Koreans CANNOT HANDLE A CRYING CHILD. Seriously. They lose their minds when a baby or kid is crying. Several times in our trip Little Man would cry if he was tired, but usually as a result of me telling him he couldn't do something. Women would then run over to us, saying oh-gee-mah (which means don't cry) and start giving him things. While we were visiting the sister of our Korean teacher (here in Wisconsin), Little Man started crying and she dug in her purse and handed him a Lego watch (which we later saw in the store for $30!!). I thought she was just entertaining him but she refused to take it back! A stranger gave him a fresh roll of vitamin drops after he threw a fit about wearing a hanbok. The flight attendant gave him a bunch of stickers when he fussed because he couldn't have a third brownie during the flight. The list goes on and on. Our boy is smart enough to come up with tactical plans that benefit him, so I'm sure if we lived there he'd be throwing fits in public all the time. Eek.

One of the most emotional and beautiful things about our trip was visiting with Little Man's foster parents. We have not been in contact with them since Little Man came home. I had sent back a book and USB drive with videos, and written them letters, but hadn't had any response from them. I wasn't sure if they were interested in seeing him or not, but contacted our agency and asked them to let the foster family know that Little Man would be with us on the trip and if they wanted to meet, we'd love to.

Happily, they said yes! They live about an hour outside of Seoul and our visit with them happened on our last day there. It was so great to see them! They arrived with a 3 1/2 year old boy and I thought it was another foster. But it ends up that after Little Man left Korea they were really heartbroken. He was their 5th foster and they decided they couldn't do it anymore.

They had done special needs placements and when a baby was relinquished with severe special needs, the agency had called them for an emergency placement until a foster home could be found. They took the sweet boy, and ADOPTED HIM!! The Foster Mother apologized over and again for not staying in touch or responding to any of our letters, but explained they had been very busy with multiple surgeries and doctor's appointments caring for their new son. Really, I didn't expect them to respond, I just wanted them to know that Little Man was OK!

They couldn't get over how grown Little Man is and thought he was even cuter now that he speaks English. Ha! They were surprised to see how he continued to eat through our entire meeting and expressed concern that he might get fat. That totally cracked us up. This child doesn't know how to sit still for a minute and he burns calories faster than he can get them in. And, I think it's a funny insight into Korean culture that they are worried about his weight!

They shared that the family used to call him "inhyung" which means "doll" because Little Man was such a pretty baby. They miss him a lot and said the entire family will gather to watch the videos we send on the USB, and often cry. They are so happy he is doing well and pleased that he is learning Korean and exposed to Korean culture.

Little Man and their son got on well and Little Man was so sweet in sharing his toys and snacks. Their son is basically blind, having only limited vision from the corner of his eye, if things are about 2  inches away. This was hard for Little Man to understand, but he was incredibly kind to him. We were proud.

I gave them a website where we load photos and videos so they can see him anytime they want. And they were thrilled to know that we plan on returning with both boys in the years ahead. They also gifted Little Man with an AMAZING hanbok. The first hanbok they sent him home with three years ago still fits, but just barely! We've received so many compliments on it because it's very high quality silk and embroidery. His new one is just as gorgeous and should fit him until he's 6-7 (unless he gets fat, ha!). We agreed to keep writing letters and to try and stay in touch.

After a huge photo session, Little Man showered them with hugs and kisses (he had been restrained until then). Foster Mom got teary holding him again and said it felt so good to have him back in her arms. We were all crying by that point. It's just so amazing to know how deeply these children are loved by their foster parents before they leave. Little Man was only with them four months but they have enough love for him for his lifetime! It's really a powerful thing. By far, one of the most amazing moments of our trip.

Adoption process: Hard to wait

© Cheese Curds and Kimchi

"Hard to wait," pouts Little Man. "I wish Baby E was here," he says.

I can only nod as he says this, placing a special ornament on the Christmas tree that we just received for Baby Brother. I'm afraid if I try to answer, I'll burst into tears.

It's definitely hard to wait.

I've officially reached the crazy point. Everyone reaches it at a different time. We've been waiting and hoping for 15-months now. But it's these past 3-months that have been driving me slowly to the edge.

When our EP (emigration permit) was submitted to the Korean Ministry of Health and Welfare, a new director had taken over the agency and EPs were flying out in 4-6 weeks. We were submitted quickly and were flying high on the swift wings of our process. But that feeling has slowly waned as the weeks went by. This week is the 14th week we have been waiting for EP approval.

I'm in a group of about 200 families who are currently in process and we celebrate one another's victories along the journey. A home study completed, a referral, a travel call. It's a way to stay hopeful and know that eventually others will celebrate our good news.

The downside to sharing so much information is knowing that other families processes are moving while we feel ours has stalled. Other families with the same EP submission dates as ours have already been approved. Another family's EP was submitted an entire month later us and was just approved in 24 days, and yet another with similar dates has already received a travel call!

I am so thrilled for these families and moms. Really, I am. Because each of those stories means that another child will soon know the security of being in a family.

But I have to acknowledge that sharp pang of anxiousness.

A little jealousy. OK. Sometimes a lot.

And mostly, the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

I don't do helpless very well.

So we are taking things one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

When I feel that fluttering in my stomach and my eyes fill with tears, I take a deep breath and hold fast to the belief that our time is coming. I picture his face and hope he knows how much he is loved. I hope he is being showered with love and kindness as we wait to be together.

I tell myself that when we hold our son and finally bring him home, the heartsick feeling of longing will be forgotten. One day I'll remember this difficult time, but through the softer, foggier lens of life.

I also remind myself that as I experience these feelings while waiting Little Brother to come home, he will likely feel as much loss, longing and sadness when he leaves his foster family in Korea. Which makes my heart hurt even more.

Better to dream about our family's future. I picture us together years from now. Two brothers wrestling with Daddy in the back yard. Beautiful little boys laughing as they explore the woods together. Bunk beds. Bedtime snuggles with a child in each arm.

These thoughts make it a little easier to keep going.

Because boy, is it ever hard to wait.

***
Please keep the waiting children and families in your heart this holiday season. It really does help!

Also, the ornament seen in the photo was purchased to support the Gift-of-identity.org, a fund to support international adoptees visit the country of their birth. Grants are available to adoptees so that they may travel and explore their native culture and heritage.

 

Parenting is forever: Contemplating adoption in the news

So, I'm sure you have heard the latest shocking story to rock the adoption world. This couple walked away from their 9-year-old child, whom they had adopted from foster care when he was an infant. They claim he had threatened them and their other children with a knife. They are being indicted on charges relating to the abandonment of the child.

This story, following on the heels of the Reuter's series that investigated the "re-homing" of adopted children, has sent shockwaves through the adoption community, dealing harsh blows to both domestic and international adoption programs.

****

I remember our early days of family-hood. The days when Little Man had just come home and I was scared to death and worried that I didn't have the tools I needed to care for this hurting, grieving child.

There's been plenty of tough times since then. Yes, sometimes parenting feels like too much. More than we can handle. It's hard, no doubt about it.

But these stories...I wonder, were these parents ill-equipped? Poorly informed? What could have been done to prevent the dissolution of their families?

We all know bio families gone wrong. Where the parents kick the kids out or the children run away, are taken away, or placed in foster care. Unfortunately those stories are pretty common and hardly shocking anymore. We might view the parents with disdain, but they aren't typically the subject of the contempt and rage that people are aiming at the adoptive parents who have stopped parenting.

In the media and in the public, being a bad adoptive parent is a much more egregious act than just being a bad parent. Adoptive families are held to a different standard---and rightly so. We made intentional choices to care for these children (not that bio families don't also do this). But our children come to us with deep hurts. We know before they arrived how vital it was (and likely difficult as well) that we give them a safe forever home. That we love them despite the hurts that sometimes make loving them difficult. That we never give up.

We chose them. They didn't choose us. And so, it's our obligation to keep that commitment. It's absolutely imperative that we do.

So what happened to the families that chose disruption? That chose to meet in a parking lot and let strangers take their children? That dropped their child off, saying they were finished? Were these just flawed parents from the get-go? Were they inherently not able to parent? And if that's true, how in the world did they get through the adoption system?

I'm not judging here. Just really trying to understand what happened.

*

Why should we (as adoptive families) care about these situations? While these type of stories represent the outliers in our community---the vast majority of adoptive families do not look like this---we still must acknowledge that this happens and that there will be long-lasting effects on all adoptive families when adoptions fail.

Due to recent cases Americans are no longer able to adopt from Russia. The international anti-adoption communities are using the "re-homing" story as yet another reason against international adoption and many countries are looking at their policies when dealing with American adoptions.

In addition, parents who have abandoned their children are being charged criminally (rightly so) and in turn, this could make some people fearful of parenting a foster child. No one goes into thinking that it won't work. But if you think there's even a chance that you could be criminally charged...that might give people pause. (Then again, perhaps if you are slowed down from adopting because you fear being charged criminally, you might not be a fit adoptive parent.)

In our day-to-day lives, news reports like this contribute to the "othering" of adoptive families---the belief that that we fall outside the norm. The notion that "you can't possibly love adoptive children as your biological children" is supported, because if adoptive families loved the children as "their own" they wouldn't be surfing the web looking for someone to hand their kids off to.

And the misconception that adoptive children are more likely to be problematic, unable to accept love, difficult to manage, etc., is supported by the reasons that the parents gave for giving up their children.

These stories set adoptive families outside the norm. They are one more thing that stick in the back of people's minds. One more way they classify us.

Lastly, when stories like these come up in the news, we need to talk with our kids about them. Even a whisper of a child being abandoned by their parents could terrify an adopted child, fearing that they too could be abandoned not once, but twice. We need to be open with our children that they are safe and secure.

*

Here's the reporter in me---don't hate the messenger. The Reuters investigation was important. For all the painful after-effects of the story, it's vital that light is shined on this horrible practice. No matter the parents' rationale, there is never an excuse for abandoning a child like this.

Adoptive parents, don't turn your back on this. It's easy to say "I'd never do that" and walk away. But if we do, we give way to the anti-international adoption groups who will hold this up as yet another reason that international programs should be closed.

And mostly, we turn our back on kids who need help.

So don't shrink away from this. Because it hurts the overall view of adoption when the thriving stay silent in fear of being grouped with those that are failing.

Rise up, I say. Let the voices of the masses of successful adoptive families ring out. Let those who are committed to giving children a safe place to grow, and to help them work through the myriad of emotions and pain related to adoption. Heck, related to life in general.

For those of us that are dedicated to serving our kids and going to the mat for them---speak out. For us adopted parents who see "adopted" not as a permanent adjective for our children, but just the way that we came together as a family---speak out.

Let our voices be the loudest in the uproar that follows these stories. We need to be the face of adoption, not those that are failing. We shouldn't try to drown out these type of stories, but to demand solutions to these unacceptable actions.