Single motherhood in Korea, KUMFA holiday gift drive

Mission complete! We just filled Korean Unwed Mothers Families’ Association last requested donation for a single mother and her five-year-old daughter in Korea. I can't tell you how happy that makes me! This program advocates for the rights of unwed pregnant women and unwed mothers in Korea. It was started by single mothers themselves!

The majority of children placed for adoption from South Korea are from single mothers. Think back to the taboo of unwed childbirth back in the 1950s in the USA. There's that type of stigma (though I think it's much worse) that still exists in Korea today.

This is a complex topic to understand. It's so culturally ingrained in the society that it's really difficult for a woman to buck the system.




Eat Your Kimchi posted this great video about the topic. One stat they had that blew my mind. According to the Ministry of Health and Welfare in 2007, out of 100 pregnancies by a single woman, 96 of them will have an abortion (though it is illegal there), and only 4 will give birth.

Of those four, three children will be placed for adoption due to social discrimination and financial difficulties.

One in 100 single mothers actually are able to keep their children! So heartbreaking.

Single mothers are ostracized, keep their status secret or they can be fired from their jobs, are alienated from friends and family, and there is no source of public funding available to help them. Children of a single mother are also treated sub-standardly.

There are some uncomfortable stats and information in the video about adoption.  I can't deny these make me squirm a lot. I have to acknowledge that adoption agencies do have a part to play in the messed up culture of unwed motherhood in Korea. Of course don't condone a practice of coercion by adoption agencies in getting these women to place their children, but the alternatives (abortion, for one) is heartbreaking too. More on that in another deep, philosophical post.

Anyhow, be sure to watch the video for more insights on single motherhood in Korea. And also check out this excellent post about KUMFA and their programs to support single mothers.

And if you are interested in donating too, here's the links:

• To donate to KUMFA or Heater, a home for unwed mothers/children (international): Paypal kumfa.volunteer@gmail.com
• To donate to Ae Ran Won, a program that helps provide counseling, job training and financial assistance to unwed mothers/children: http://www.aeranwon.com/help-us.php 

For more about single mothers, read our previous post "Forever family and single mom's day in Korea".

Sources for Korean Christmas Ornaments

Our 2014 family ornament from HERE.

Christmas is right around the corner! I'm trying not to panic! I'm using too many exclamations!

We aren't big-fuss holiday folks. Maybe that's because it's been just the two of us for most of our 20+ Christmas celebrations together. But I LOVE decorating the tree. We have boxes of ornaments, most of which were given to us as children. We ooh and ahh as the memories come back. Those ornaments are like tiny time capsules. The special ones from Iran given to The Man by his Aunt Shirley. The salt dough gingerbread man from my childhood who has survived for 40 years. The yellowed and frayed angel that my sister and I used to fight over every year.

We hang those ornaments on our aluminum tree, and somehow, all the Christmas love of the past is magically brought to the present. It's one of my favorite traditions.

Since the boys came home, we've been giving them ornaments each year too. We have some really fantastic ones that represent their Korean heritage, as well as a reminder of things they are interested at this specific age. Throughout the year we keep our eyes open for things that can be used as ornaments, writing the boys names and dates on them.

This year's special ornament was ordered from Etsy seller Geraldandkellyhong. It's a beautiful porcelain design in a light green glaze. It reads "family" and commemorates Little Brother's homecoming this year.

Another adoptive mama (Hi Yvonne!) was recently searching out sources for Korean-themed ornaments. They are hard to come by! So I thought I'd do a round-up of all the different adoption/Korean Christmas ornaments that I've been able to dig up.

We haven't ordered from most of these retailers, so I cannot speak about quality. But if you try them out or have favorite retailers of your own, please comment!

I LOVE these tag ornaments from EthiopiaDad. They are made from laser-cut wood and priced reasonably. He's taking pre-orders so if you like them, you should hop to it! There are also Korea-specific ornaments, but I really love this one. There's ornaments for plenty of other countries too such as China, Africa, and Guatemala.  http://www.ethiopiadad.com/collections/405960-korea-ornaments

Bronner's Christmas Wonderland in Michigan carries this blown glass South Korean flag.
http://www.bronners.com/product/korean-flag-glass-ornament.do

Etsy has a great selection of hand-crafted decorations. Try a variety of searches such as 'hangul' or 'korea christmas', 'korean ornament', etc. I LOVE these porcelain ornaments made by seller geraldandkellyhong. This one says 'family'. https://www.etsy.com/listing/170789641/korean-family-ceramic-ornament?ref=related-0

There's a waiting list for this adorable nativity scene made from Etsy seller mysakuraprincess.
I'm guessing you won't have it for this holiday but maybe get your order in for next year? There are other selections such as the three wise men. https://www.etsy.com/listing/167812432/korean-nativity-set-hand-painted-6?utm_source=OpenGraph&utm_medium=ConnectedShop&utm_campaign=Share

Seller rusticcraftdesign has these wooden ornaments which say 'I love you' on the front and can be personalized with a name or date on the back. https://www.etsy.com/listing/120351718/korean-i-love-you-with-heart-rustic-wood?ref=sr_gallery_20&ga_search_query=korea+ornament&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

This little polyresin ornament features a girl in Hanbok. There is also a version with angel wings. http://www.afk.com/catalog/Detail.tpl?command=search&db=afkstore.db&eqSKUdata=ORN302W&cart=1415745177192566

This ornament features a girl in Hanbok, made out of resin. Sold at Mandy's Moon.
http://www.mandysmoon.com/store/korean-girl-christmas-ornament

These miniature Korean drums aren't necessarily Christmas tree ornaments, but they would look great on our tree! http://www.aliexpress.com/item/Korea-Drum-crafts-macrobian-drum-4-h-p01622/919551590.html

Adoptiongiftsonline.com has a few ornaments tucked into their selection. You have to dig through and they look like they are printed on ceramic by Zazzle. http://adoptiongiftsonline.com/korea-adoption-gifts/

Zazzle has a huge selection as well and they are fully customizable. They are printed metal but look to be a bit more ornate, depending on the design. http://www.zazzle.com.au/korean+ornaments

CafePress has a huge selection. They are flat aluminum ornaments with a printed design. http://www.cafepress.com/+korea+ornaments

Don't forget to check Amazon and Ebay! I found this hand-painted Korean fan dancer on Amazon! 

Korean Fan Dancer Hand-painted Glass Ball Ornament

And, one last thought. You can trim your tree with home-made ornaments! Here's a few ideas:

Knotting is a very popular artform in Korea. Here are instructions for a good luck knot. http://doitandhow.com/2013/06/21/good-luck-knot/

Or you could have the kids make a Sam Taeguk fan. This would also be pretty cute made out of salt dough clay! http://www.incultureparent.com/2011/04/korean-craft-make-a-traditional-sam-taeguk-fan/

These beautiful paper lotus lamps are typically used to celebrate Buddha's Birthday, but they would look fantastic on a tree! The center of the flower has a paper cup to hold the traditional candle, but you could cut a small hole and push a tree light through there for the same effect. http://www.incultureparent.com/2012/05/lotus-lanterns-for-wesak-buddha-day/

Big Brother is 4!

(Finally getting around to posting this....Little Man turned 4 in July!)

Dear Little Man,

The kids were all gathered around party table as I put the candles into the chocolate cupcake topped with purple frosting.

One.

Two.

Three.

As I prepared to light the candles, The Man says, "you ARE going to put one more on, right". Ack! I still couldn't get it into my brain. You are 4 now!

Four years old!

생일 축하합니다! 

We filled the hallway with balloons again this year, so you would wake up and know it was your special day. We were going to put them in your bedroom this year instead of the hallway, but you've taken to getting up in the middle of the night and we didn't want to scare you if your room was filled with balloons.

For breakfast, a big chocolate birthday doughnut. With sprinkles of course. You LOVE sprinkles.

We had quite a few birthday celebrations for you. Our little family celebrated on your actual birthday. Then a small party at your school the next day. And then the big shindig over the weekend. A gymnastics party! It was lots of fun and you had a blast running with all your pals at one of your favorite places to play.

Here's some things that you do and like at this age:

Pink and purple still reign as the colors of choice.

You love silky short soccer outfits. You want to wear them everyday, to bed and to school. We often have to wash the outfits at night so you can wear them days in a row.

You are a very talented gymnast! We put you in classes six-months ago and you have been promoted three times already! You are now in a class with 5-6 year olds and you can do everything they can do easily. The teachers are very excited about your progress and the team coach says they are keeping an eye on you. I am partially thrilled by this, partially terrified. I know what a commitment competitive gymnastics is, and I also don't want to be one of those crazy gym moms who lives and dies by what skills their children can do. You absolutely love gymnastics and we are enjoying watching you explore this sport.

You love snap hair clips. You like to wear them in your hair all the time. You found some pink and purple ones at Tar.get and begged us to get them for you. They are one of your favorite possessions.

One of your front teeth has turned gray. This makes me so sad! We were playing in the living room and you crashed, slamming your teeth into the floor. Three weeks later, your tooth started to turn gray. :( The dentist says it's going to stay that way until you lose your baby teeth. You don't like the gray tooth and each night try to brush it away.

You can ride a two-wheeled bike without training wheels! We got the bike at the beginning of the summer. You were outgrowing your balance bike and were very ready for a new one. The pink one at the shop was too big for you. You settled for a cool black and red one and picked out a baby blue flugel horn to jazz it up.

You are very shy in new situations, but have shown great improvement in being brave and doing things although you are nervous.

Change is still difficult for you. We have to approach transitions during the day with lots of warning, as well as big things that are upcoming during the week. You are slowly (slowly) becoming more able to deal with these things. But usually change or transition results in tantrums.

Speaking of tantrums, you are still in the tantrum phase. Massively.

Your favorite holiday is Christmas, because you love Christmas lights. Your favorite TV show is Magic Schoolbus. Your favorite thing to wear is your Johnny Cash shirt and silky sports shorts. Your favorite drink is lemonade.

Arts and crafts are your thing. And baking. You and I do these things together a lot! You ask to do artwork every day. You are very precise about how you do things. You have been very into printed tapes lately and spend a long time wrapping up construction paper with tape to make "packages".

You know how to write your first and last names. You know all your upper and lower case letters and numbers through 25.

Your love of music is still really strong. You enjoy a wide array of genres. Currently your favorite is "Girls Generation", an all-girl band from Korea. You also adore Johnny Cash. And other favorites include LMFAO, PSY, and the soundtrack from Frozen. You don't really dance to music much. You actually study it, and will tell us what instruments you hear, or what the words say.

This year, you danced in public for the first time. We were at a community festival and there was a band playing. Your friends started dancing and you eventually joined in too. Up to this point, dancing was only done at home, with the lights out by the light of glow sticks. You had a great time. It's great to see you expanding your comfort zone.

Your grasp of language is amazing. You often ask "how do you say it" when you want to know the proper terminology for something. And then you remember it! One saying of yours that completely cracks us up, and you usually say incorrectly though, it to refer to tornado drills as "tomato drillos". You call all drills a "drillo". Not sure where you got that from, but we adore it.

And finally, you are a great big brother! It's been hard for you, for sure. But you are fiercely protective of your little brother and starting to want to include him when you play instead of play alone. You like to teach him new words. And especially like to encourage him to do naughty things.

You are growing up very fast, my dear. Hard to believe that we just have one more year before you begin kindergarten! Looking forward to seeing what this year brings.

xo

Mommy

Things change

Hey there. Remember me?

I'm the dimwit who wrote a season-ending giant cliffhanger a few months ago, saying things were going to change.

And then I never returned. So let me catch you up.

First there was this:

And this:

And then all of this.

See? BIG!!

The Cheesecurds are no longer in the Land of Cheese! We are now, hell, I have no idea what they call folks here. Doesn't matter though...we are still Cheesecurds. We just live in the City of Roses now. Portland, to be exact.

You might be saying "holy hell, I can't believe they picked up and moved!" and that's my thoughts exactly as I drive around our new city. It was a decision a long time in the making, though when the gears starting turning it happened incredibly fast.

The Man and I were both born and raised in the northwest. After marrying, we knew we wanted to settle down in the northwest as well, but not before we ventured out and explored other parts of the country. We lived five years in California, six years in northern Wisconsin, and nine years in southeast Wisconsin.

We loved it there. Had a great house. Amazing friends. Good jobs. We lived in the best school district and a fantastic neighborhood. We were definitely setting deep roots but still felt unsettled because we couldn't say no to the idea of returning to the northwest once again. There was the weight of the "should we or shouldn't we" question hanging over every thing we did.

The past few years we've had so many losses in our family and we were feeling the pull to return even harder. A great job opportunity coincidently opened up for The Man when we were visiting the northwest for my sister's memorial, so a few quick job interviews, and wham, next thing we knew we were moving!

*******

Though it was something we had talked about for years, we were completely unprepared to actually move. And, because I suck at change, The Man basically had to drag me kicking and screaming.

I got focused on all the negatives of leaving Wisconsin. It meant giving up a career that I had dedicated myself to for the past 15 years for...no job in sight. The odds of both of us lining up jobs at the same time were close to none. We opted to go for the higher wage and follow The Man's job. But that meant walking away from a very good journalism job at a time when the number of journalism jobs have been falling faster than apples in October. This move could mean that I've walked away from journalism. I was heartsick.

It also meant leaving a network of amazing friends. Seriously amazing. There are our besties---for 15 years we have hung out, grown our families together, and watched our children become friends. I know we'll stay friends for life, but it will be darned hard not to call them on Friday at 4:30 and say, want to meet at the park in 1/2 hour for a beer?

And then we were lucky enough to make some new friends, brought together through adoption and parenting. You know how hard it is to find a couple where all four of you just click? We had that. (Sniff.)

And not at the end of the list are countless people (GB! MLS!) that were an integral part of our lives and we miss every day!

Of course, another huge concern was the boys. Little Brother was just settling in. Finally sleeping through the night (mostly) in his own room. He had only been home 4 months when we started packing up for the move. And Little Man handles change as well as I do. To say he was out of control would be putting it nicely.

We all struggled.

Into the fray came my mom. Poor thing. Two weeks before we moved she came out to help. (THANK YOU MOM!!)  I realized that there was no way we were going to be able to get out in time. The Man and I were completely exhausted. We had been packing between 8 p.m. (after boys went to bed) and midnight, and there was just no more juice in our tanks. My mom came in full of energy, and when she wasn't chasing our very busy, very emotional kids, she was packing boxes. And she did it while I acted bitchy and whiny the whole time. She was a champ.

Somehow, and I really don't know how, we got through it.

The house sold. (Four days!?!?!) The moving company was great. The Man drove out to Oregon with the dog, two cats and an aquatic frog. Without incident. Mom and I flew out with the kids. And our temporary digs (until we find a place to buy) are OK, which was a concern since we took the place sight unseen.

**********

It's been three whole weeks now. We are living in a sea of boxes which our children think is fun---built in climbing gyms throughout the house!! I'm working on job possibilities. Pre-school possibilities. Figuring out the area.

I'm past thinking we've messed up everything. I think we did the right thing for our family in the long run though it truly was one of the toughest things I've had to do.

It's all a new adventure. But boy, do I miss home.

Three years a family!

Starting our life together. 5/10/2011

(This is a catch-up post. Our family day with Little Man was May 10. I'm only a few months late which is pretty good for me lately!)

*****

Family. Before Little Man came that word only referred to The Man, myself, Gus the wonder dog and our kitties.

But now it's much more. Three years ago our definition of family was revolutionized when a quiet boy was placed in my arms, sitting stiffly in my lap during our taxi ride away from the adoption agency.

I think back to that baby---that stranger who I called my child. I remember how he behaved then, small indicators of his amazing personality that would soon be revealed to us.

How he clung to a bottle and shyly shared his first laugh with us. An open mouthed belly laugh.  It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard.

I remember the guarded look in his eyes. And how he didn't cry. How he kept his feelings bottled inside.

How he babbled and sang when alone in his crib.

And how he watched everything we did very carefully. And then tried to repeat on his own, getting frustrated when he couldn't get the exact same results. He'd try again and again, the absolute definition of determination.

He's still all these things. And of course, so much more. He's a child of extremes and intense emotion. Whatever he's feeling is all consuming for him, (and for those around him as well). He's incredibly physically gifted and one of the most agile children I've seen. He's smart. Sassy (which isn't always a plus). Courageous. Compassionate. Observant. A challenge. A mystery.

He is the leader on this great parenting adventure. Of course, we are the adults, but he is the leader. We follow him through it's twists and turns. Try to figure out how to help him stay on the path. He is forgiving of our mistakes and missteps.

From him we learn more about ourselves---how we react when pushed to our limits; how we need to find more self control; to realize that we really have no control at all; to figure out how to love something and let it go at the same time.

He's a tiny dynamo who inspires me to be a better person, shocks me with his joy for new things, and awes me with his ability to express his emotion completely. He's likely to be my life's greatest challenge and he's definitely my life's greatest adventure.

I can't believe it's only been three years together. And I'm thankful that we are family.

What to say (or not to say) to an adoptive family

What do boob jobs and adoption have in common?

THIS AWESOME VIDEO. I love it. A lot.

Please watch. Repeat. Share.

What was missing: deciding to have two kids

Brothers. © Cheese Curds and Kimchi

We picked up Little Man from school and loaded him into his car seat. Just an average Tuesday, with the exception that The Man was joining us for the pick-up.

Little Man chatted about his day and munched on his snack. Little Brother was saying "mamamama" which means food in Korean. I watched as The Man adjusted his rear-view to see the boys in the backseat and I saw his eyes get a bit teary. He looked long and hard at the Dynamic Duo and then turned to me.

"This is the first time they've both been in the car," he smiled. "It's a strange feeling of completeness."

***

As most of you readers know, decisions don't come easily for The Man and I. We over think them. Belabor them. Turn them around  and around until we are turned around.

Our decision to expand our family was no different. Before Little Man had come home we talked about having two children. After Little Man was home, we weren't sure about that at all. We loved having him and being a family, but the longer we waited, the more we questioned whether we were cut out to be a two-kid family. (Hell, there were days we wondered if we were cut out to be a one-kid family?!)

We told ourselves all of the reasons that we shouldn't do it: Little Man was getting very self sufficient; he was finally potty trained; we dreaded going through the grieving process with another child; we are getting pretty old to be starting with a baby again (we are tired all the time already!!); we are finally comfortable with our family dynamics; Little Man is a LOT of kid....can we handle another? can we afford to raise two kids? and do we really want to be outnumbered??

Then we countered with all of the reasons that we should: we want Little Man to know the joy (and sometimes strife) of having a sibling; we don't want him to be alone after we die; we want him to have a confidant, built-in friend (hopefully), and someone who has come to our family with the same background. Some of our fondest childhood memories are with our siblings. And when we picture ourselves five years down the road, we could see ourselves as a family of four. (Or five...but we won't go into that now...)

I'm not saying that we didn't want a second child. We just weren't absolutely positive about it. It seems like semantics, but really, they are two very different things. I seem to run into a lot of people who are 100% sure they want another child. I wanted to be 100% sure too. I mean, it's a huge decision and you'd better know for sure that you are ready!

Each time we returned to the "should we or shouldn't we?" question, I was hoping for some epiphany that would help me feel confident in our decision. But that AHA moment never came and instead, we spent months and months rehashing the same things.

Finally, we just had to make a decision. I was getting close to aging out of the Korean adoption program, so it was now or never. We filed the paperwork, feeling about 65% sure that we wanted another child, and hoping we'd grow to feel 100% sure as the adoption progressed.

***

Well, you know the rest of the story. Obviously we kept going, and obviously, we are completely thrilled to be parents again. As our time neared to bring Little Brother home, we absolutely could not wait to get him here. We were ready to be a family of four.

Looking back now, I think we really wanted another child but our doubts and worries kept us from recognizing that. And now that he's here, I finally understand why we kept returning to the to the one-child-or-two debate.

Something was missing from our lives. More specifically, someone was missing.

And now he's not. He's right here with us.

And the The Man put it perfectly.

It's finally a feeling of completeness.

One week

Time passes when you are having fun. Or expanding your family. Take your pick.

In our case, today marks one week since we arrived bleary-eyed from Seoul and started living life as a family of four. I can hardly believe how quickly everything is going by!

In fact, it went so quickly that a week had passed before we managed to get the whole gang into a photo.

We are adjusting well here. Dare I say, great? I'm not being pessimistic here, but still very much in the watch and see category. But really, things are good.

Little Man continues to amaze us. He's a patient brother which is perhaps one of the biggest surprises for us because patience is not one of his strengths. We are so proud of him! After the initial first few days where he had a huge emotional let downs after being without us for a week, he started to return to his normal self. We've had an occasional freak out but no more than you'd expect from a regular three-year-old.

Most of the time he's happy to share toys with his little brother, and he's starting to figure out that he can make Little Brother laugh by making funny noises or faces at him. He has told his classmates that Little Brother is from Korea and that he calls him "Boo Boo".

The most challenging part for Little Man is having to share mommy and daddy time. He's a very attention-centric child (I guess most only children would be) and usually has an attentive two-person audience in all he does. Now, he's learning that mom and dad have to split their time and this isn't working well for him. One would think he'd hold that against the reason our time is split, his new brother, but amazingly, he doesn't. He is creative and finds lots of ways to regain our attention.

Each day we are getting to know Little Brother better and better. He's a fairly mellow kid with an easy going temperment. And he's a snuggler. Yay for me!! Right now he's fairly comfortable with either of us, but seems to feel a little more secure with me. However, The Man is quickly gaining ground by being the silly guy, and Little Brother loves silliness.

He has a short little cackle that bursts out when he is amused. It sounds exactly like a tiny terradactyl. I'm 99.9% positive this is how they sounded. He's starting to loosen up though and has let loose a few belly laughs. He finds sneezing incredibly funny.

He also has a crazy amazing throwing arm. I'm sure you are thinking, yeah, right. The kid can throw. But seriously. This. Kid. Can. Throw. I'm fairly certain he has a future in baseball. Or will win a butt load of prizes at the carnival. He has incredible aim, and we are becoming masters in our ninja-like ability to block flying objects.

He also has a smile that will melt your heart. Loves to say "yayayaya" over and over. Hums little tunes to himself when he's playing. Likes to follow his big brother around. And wakes up with a smile.

Yep, things are going pretty well around here.

Our Korean Adventure: Traveling in Korea, adoption and other random tidbits

The fourth and final installment catching you up on our first trip to Korea. Figured I'd better get all this in before we our off for our second trip.

We had some awesome experiences that brought Korea nearer and dearer to our hearts. Our Korean school teacher here in Wisconsin had arranged for a dinner for us. SJ is from Seoul and she said a friend of hers would like to make dinner for us. It was sort of awkward for us because we weren't really sure we wanted to commit to spending time with complete strangers. But she really wanted to do this for us, and so we agreed.

Mr. Kang's restaurant was really lovely. It specialized in fusion Japanese-Korean cuisine, mainly seafood. The seating and style is very traditional Korean with floor seating and ondol heating. He was waiting outside when we arrived by taxi and it was only about 5 minutes from our hotel. He gave us a very nice tour, but his English is very rough. We mostly communicated with one or two words and a lot of smiles. The restaurant was closed and he opened it up just for us!

Then SJ's two sisters arrived to join us for the meal, and they had their teen daughters with them. Little Man was starting to feel some of the travel strain so he was a bit of a handful but really, the dinner was one of the highlights of our trip!

The meal was about 5 courses (the food just kept coming!) and because we are vegetarian, he had two different meals---one for our family and food for the other families. One of the sisters spoke pretty good English, and our Korean teacher SJ was translating from Milwaukee via text.

One thing we kept coming back to again and again is the extreme kindness of Koreans. I know we might be biased, but it's just so amazing to us how generous and kind they are. One example is in the subway---it's an amazing system and really easy to use, but our first time back to the subway we were studying the map and trying to remember how to get around. A man saw we looked confused as we were buying our trip ticket. He asked if he could help and consulted the map with us to figure out where we needed to go. He watched as we bought our tickets and then waved us to follow him through the gates and onto the subway. We thought, how nice, he's going the same direction we are.

When we arrived at our stop (about 3 stops down) he popped up and waved at us to follow him out. I thought, wow, he was going the same direction we were! We followed him out of the turnstiles, he watched as we returned our subway card for a refund, and then he pointed to our exit. He waved good-bye and turned back to buy a new subway ticket before running back to the loading ramp. He went so far out of his way for strangers!!

This happened again and again. When we might look lost or in need of help, someone came and offered it. We were so grateful.

Finally, one of the best parts of this trip was meeting other adoptive families. There's something really powerful about being on a similar track together and it builds and instant camaraderie. One of the greatest joys for us was connecting with a family from California. Mama T. reached out to us via our blog and so happy she did! Our families have so much in common! The California family was also returning to Korea for their second child and their first child is Little Man's age. Through the weeks of preparing for travel we were tearing up the email lines, comparing lists of things we were bringing, what we were wearing and trying to figure out logistics like phone and internet service.

Meeting them in person was wonderful and the boys got on well. Little Man was bossy and emotional but their California-cool even-keeled boy took it all in stride. Watching the boys play helped me relax a bit and gave Little Man something to look forward to. It was a great friendship condensed into a few days and I have a good feeling that we'll be in touch for a long time to come.

One particularly great memory will be after the stress of our court date. Following court, we joined the California family to celebrate (and make good on a bribe for the boys to be good in court) with ice cream. As we headed to ice cream shop, we ran into another family we met in court (NY family), so they joined us too. We had the shop to ourselves for quite a while and the boys ran wild. We huddled in a corner and talked openly and candidly about our adoptions, thoughts, hopes and fears. (The NY family has since been united with their son and doing great! Yay!!) I just love how we can come from all corners of the country, all different backgrounds and experiences, and yet, hanging out with them was so easy and natural.

We also met the families of two women I have met through my Facebook support group who were traveling at the same time! In that group, we cheer for one another at each tiny step of the way. When the three of us found out that we'd be traveling at the same time, we were able to compare information, figure out hotels, and figure out the logistics of our trip together. What a help! One super sweet family even met us at the bus stop to guide us to our hotel and help carry luggage. Incredibly awesome! And, since we'll all be bringing kids home at the same time, I know that we'll be able to continue to support one another as we work through the transitions together.

The crazy ups and downs of adoption: we have a visa appointment in Korea!

Oh my gosh. There really aren't enough words to tell you how different this adoption process is from the first! The only words I can use to really describe it is ROLLER COASTER.

This whole adoption has been filled with long waits, breathless anticipation, feeling like you aren't making progress at all, only to be catapulted forward and have things move so quickly you can hardly catch your breath.

On Wednesday, our social worker emailed (?!) and told us the good news was that we had received preliminary approval from the courts in Korea on 2/7/14 and had officially entered the 14-day waiting period. Yay!

She then followed it with the bad news---the courts had closed and were not processing final adoption decrees or hearing any new cases. The closure was for an unspecified amount of time but we were now on hold, likely not traveling until the middle or end of March.

We were sick. We have spent the past two months living with the unsettling feeling that "any minute now" we'd find out about something--first waiting for our court appearance and now waiting for our return. It's been hard to settle and relax when all we could think about was when are we going?  And now, when it seemed that we'd be heading out the door any day, we find out that we still had weeks to wait.

My parents had already begun the 5-day drive to reach Wisconsin. Based on estimates, we figured that our case would be closing on February 24. Of course, no guarantees, but because most families are only given 2-4 days notice before having to return to Korea, we opted to play it safe and have them here. The new timeline meant that they'd be hanging out in Milwaukee, able to enjoy all it's Polar Vortex gloriousness. I called my folks and told them not to hurry.

I cried that night. Felt the lowest I've been throughout this whole 18-month process. I moped around and then slowly started trying to find the bright side of things. We'd have more time to prepare. Maybe Mom and I could sew some curtains for the boys room. I started making lists to help keep me busy for the next few weeks.

And then, we received a huge reminder just how crazy this whole process is. On Thursday, The Man started calling and texting me. CALL ME!! Less than 24-hours after we were told we weren't traveling,  we received another email (really, isn't there a better way to notify us than email?!) telling us that we had a visa appointment in Korea and we needed to be there next week.

WHAT?!! Seriously??

Of course, the social worker didn't tell us exactly when our visa appointment date was or when we had to be there and we frantically tried calling her. After 30-minutes of busy signals, someone finally answered and told us that our social worker had sent the same email to 7 families and we were all calling. Duh. Not like we've been waiting months on end for this or anything.

I reached out to other families who had court dates the same date as us. Two of them had received the same info on Wednesday, followed by the same shocking announcement on Thursday! One family has a March 6 visa appointment, and the other has a March 10 appointment.

About 4 hours after the email, we had answers. As of February 26, we were officially Little Brother's parents! In addition, we have a March 11 visa appointment and so, need to be in Korea next week. We had a little more notice than some of the families, which is greatly appreciated. But it's definitely not the 2-week notice that our social worker had told us that "every one of their families had been getting". (Thank goodness again, for our networking group. I knew that most families have only received 2-4 days notice, so was fairly sure our social worker was mistaken.)

What was really awesome is that my folks pulled into town just hours after we got all the great news! So....it worked out just great. Thank heavens! We've had a wonderful few days together. Time to wrap up work. Time to take care of details that will make life after we return a little easier. And possibly, a little time to breathe!

We head to Chicago on Wednesday. Fly to Seoul on Thursday morning. Arrive on Friday night. A few days to recover and we'll take custody of him either Monday or Tuesday. And Tuesday afternoon, a visa hearing.

Can't wait to start the next phase of our life. And so very happy to be getting off this roller coaster! We are coming, Little Brother!!

Our Korean adventure, part III: the new process and court

As most of you know, the Korean adoption program has underwent a major overhaul since the passage of the new adoption law in 2012. There is virtually nothing about the program that is the same, other than the country.

While we were in Korea for the first of our two trips for this adoption, I had some really interesting conversations with our Korean social worker about their opinions on the new rules. They feel that the new rules have hurt single mothers rather than help them. Now, all babies must be registered on the mother's birth registry until the time that they are adopted. At that point, the records will be stricken. The aim of this is to give adoptees more access to their birth records/family of origin.

I asked whether she felt the passage of the law has led to more single women choosing to parent their children, (the intent of the backers of the law), and she said not really. She said there has been a decline in the number of children being placed. According to the social worker, more women are turning to "other" means---instead of adoption they are choosing to abandon their children or choosing abortion. I have also heard that because the new law requires that birth mothers cannot relinquish the babies until 7 days after birth, that some of the mothers have changed their mind during this time and decided to parent. Our social worker said yes, this has happened on occasion, but it is rare. So very sad.

We looked at the Baby Reception area of the agency. The beds were very full and many of the children seemed older than when we had seen this area before. Typically, the babies only stay here until they are 5-months-old and then they are placed into foster families. But because the process is taking so much longer now, there are not as many foster families available.

Another huge change for the program is the court process. With Little Man's adoption, we saw him once at his foster home and then took custody a few days later. We were technically his foster family here in the U.S. for the first 6-months we had him, and then we finalized in U.S. court where his name was legally changed and he became a citizen.

With the process change, adoptive parents must have mandatory visits with the child and then go to court in Korea to get an adoption decree.

The court process was intimidating and nerve-wracking. We just had no idea what to expect. Our agency didn't tell us a thing other than the date/time of our court date and that I had to wear a dress or skirt. We met at our Korean agency at the appointed time and three other families loaded into a van. We were handed a single sheet of paper for all the families to review with possible questions the judge would ask us. They ranged from what were our child-rearing philosophies, how we handled marital conflict, if we would give the child freedom of religion, and what pre-adoption class we found most beneficial. We were told to smile a lot and talk to the judge and not the translator.

We arrived at court and our judge was running over a full hour ahead of schedule! We thought we had time to mentally prepare, but next thing we knew, they were calling in people from our group. We were last in the group of four, and each family was only in there about 5 minutes. They all walked out saying it was easy and more like a conversation than a hearing.

Finally it was our turn. We had given Little Man a coloring book and bribed him with ice cream if he sat quietly during the hearing. The courtroom was just like a U.S. courtroom. We sat on the left table, the translator at the table to our right. The judge was young and very nice. He smiled at us, but immediately launched into questioning me about my line of work. I am a news photographer and he wanted details about the type of work I do. I kept my answers pretty simple. Partially because I went blank, and partially because things get complicated when you are dealing with a translator. He wanted to know what our child care plans were and how I was going to handle work and being a mother. I told him how much time I'd be taking off for maternity leave and how our son is only in daycare 3 days a week, and we'd follow the same plan for Little Brother.

He asked my husband if we had met Little Brother and if we loved him. (We answered yes, we loved him in our hearts but it would take time for all of us to grow to love one another. He seemed to like this answer.) He asked what our parenting philosophy was (teach children to be kind to others, do good things in the world).

He then moved on and wanted to ask questions of Little Man. I wasn't sure how Little Man would handle this because he usually clams up when asked direct questions by strangers. The judge  asked if he had met his brother (he didn't look up but answered yes). He asked if he was ready to accept his responsibilities of being a big brother. (All we could do was get Little Man to do was nod.) And there was some other question that I have forgotten. The judge didn't really seem to care that Little Man was being shy.

Then made us promise to love and care for Little Brother throughout his life. We said yes, of course, and he said "I am 100% positive that you will be excellent parents." It was then that I burst into tears. Our translator looked over at me, worried, and said "you did really really good". I told her I was crying because I was so happy. 

And that was our court appearance. In all, it lasted about 8 minutes. But it seemed to take forever.

One nice thing is that we had to give our Korean agency our son's American name and evidently our adoption decree will be given in his American name so there won't be a need to readopt here in the states. Our adoption will be finalized in Korea, meaning once we take custody, he's ours. His social security card is supposed to be sent to our home (instead of multiple visits to the SS office trying to get it) and we will be sent his Certificate of Citizenship (which also took a long time to get with Little Man's process).

One more huge difference with the new process is that birth mothers can choose, at the time of relinquishment, if they want to be contacted before an adoption is processed. If a birth mother should choose this, the agency must contact her before the court hearing. If they are not able to make contact, the process may be delayed. An agency must attempt to contact a birth mother three times. If they are successful, she has 14 days to evaluate the action. If she does not protest the action, then the preliminary adoption decree may be issued and another 14-day waiting period begins before the decree can be final. If they are not able to make contact with the birth mother, then a public notice of the action is posted on a website for 14 days. If no one protests the public notice then the decree is issued and the final 14-day waiting period begins.

I know this is really confusing, but for families stuck in this waiting period, it's really brutal. It's something that I'm not sure many families in process actually even know about. I've heard of many families being frustrated that they have not received their final adoption decree weeks or even months after their court appearance. It's likely that many of these families' cases have had birth mother contact issues and they were not aware. 

The new process is definitely not easy. It's a challenge because many of the procedures are being worked out and continue to be in flux. Agencies seem to be struggling to keep up with these fluctuations and changes. And state-side social workers don't seem to be well informed about what's happening at all. There are times when I wonder how this entire system even manages to keep operational.

Our Korean adventure, Part II: Toddler travel in Korea

Well, we were all kinds of concerned about bringing Little Man on this trip, but I can honestly say that we'd do it again! Some of the most powerful moments for us came from watching him experience Korea, a place we've read and talked about often. He was an incredible traveler and exceeded all our expectations which was a really happy discovery.

We had talked a lot about the trip and what he would see at each step, and he had it all memorized. When we got on the plane he marched on, buckled his seat belt and never looked back. He only had a hard time about six hours into the flight when he was exhausted and couldn't fall asleep. The tears lasted about 30-seconds and he was done. Other than that, for both flights, he watched the televisions, played a little iPad, and we only opened about 2-3 of the activities I had planned for him in either direction.

When we finally arrived Friday night in Korea we were totally wiped out. Another traveling family whom I had connected with through my Facebook adoption group were sweet enough to meet us at the bus stop when we came in, carried luggage and walked us to our hotel. No thinking required! Yay!

Jet lag was a bit of an issue for us the first few days. We had a hotel with a kitchenette which was a lifesaver. Little Man was usually up about 3 a.m. Sometimes we could get him back to bed until 4:30 a.m., but a typical day had us up around 4 a.m. and making macaroni and cheese for breakfast. The bummer with this was that we spent a lot of hours hanging in our hotel room because nothing was open yet.

We kept most of our days really light. Traveling with a toddler means you take things slow...painfully slow. We would head out in the morning, do or see something, return to the hotel for naptime, and then venture out again in the afternoon. I wish that we could have visited more cultural sites while there, but because of our schedules with Little Brother, that just didn't fit into our days.

Our first day in Korea we stayed close to the hotel. We checked out the Buddhist temple Bongeunsa which was beautiful and so peaceful! Because of our difficult schedule, it was also one of the few places we went where Little Man would experience traditional architecture. After the afternoon nap we hit the aquarium at Coex, a giant mall one subway stop from our hotel.

Sunday we ventured further from the hotel, heading about 45 minutes away to Seoul Tower and Namsan, which Little Man loved. It's wooded and beautiful but it was really foggy, so we couldn't see much. We walked about 30 minutes up to Namsan with Little Man in a backpack. After than, we splurged and took the cable car to the top. It was a fun ride but would have been amazing if it were a clear day.

Seoul Tower has a tradition of people placing locks on the fences and other areas to proclaim everlasting love. This tradition seems to be a Korean thing as there are places near the North/South Korea border where people have done the same thing. In 2011 we put a lock for Little Man up, but an entire fence line of locks had been removed, including ours. Totally a bummer.

This time we brought a brass lock, which The Man had engraved all of our names onto. We searched for a good place to put it where we hoped it wouldn't be removed. Who knows if it will last an eternity, but it was fun doing it.

One thing many of our friends have asked us about was how the Korean people responded to Little Man. We often get double takes here in the states, and in Korea, it was the same. People would see him and smile at him, then I'd watch their eyes travel up to look at us. Some people went out of their way to smile and nod at us. Some of the older people would seem to have a look of disdain or anger on their faces. Not sure if they always looked like that or if it was a reflection of how they felt about Westerners adopting Korean children.

Overwhelmingly though, the interactions were on the positive. People treated us as they treated others with young children, standing up to give us a seat on the subway, etc. Many people asked us if he was Korean. Then they wanted to know if he was 100% Korean. And many asked if we were his parents. Even if they couldn't speak English, we got questions when they would point to him, and then point to us questioningly.

One thing Little Man struggled with was that Koreans tend to be touch and feel children, even when they don't know the child. Americans are a bit more reserved in this. A stranger might reach out to pet Little Man's arm if they are talking to us about him, but Koreans just got right in his face. They would touch his hair or tickle his cheek. Some people whom we had just met actually wanted to take him from our arms and hold him. He doesn't like people being in his space so he usually turned away or refused to look at them. I don't blame him.

The other thing I found really funny was Koreans CANNOT HANDLE A CRYING CHILD. Seriously. They lose their minds when a baby or kid is crying. Several times in our trip Little Man would cry if he was tired, but usually as a result of me telling him he couldn't do something. Women would then run over to us, saying oh-gee-mah (which means don't cry) and start giving him things. While we were visiting the sister of our Korean teacher (here in Wisconsin), Little Man started crying and she dug in her purse and handed him a Lego watch (which we later saw in the store for $30!!). I thought she was just entertaining him but she refused to take it back! A stranger gave him a fresh roll of vitamin drops after he threw a fit about wearing a hanbok. The flight attendant gave him a bunch of stickers when he fussed because he couldn't have a third brownie during the flight. The list goes on and on. Our boy is smart enough to come up with tactical plans that benefit him, so I'm sure if we lived there he'd be throwing fits in public all the time. Eek.

One of the most emotional and beautiful things about our trip was visiting with Little Man's foster parents. We have not been in contact with them since Little Man came home. I had sent back a book and USB drive with videos, and written them letters, but hadn't had any response from them. I wasn't sure if they were interested in seeing him or not, but contacted our agency and asked them to let the foster family know that Little Man would be with us on the trip and if they wanted to meet, we'd love to.

Happily, they said yes! They live about an hour outside of Seoul and our visit with them happened on our last day there. It was so great to see them! They arrived with a 3 1/2 year old boy and I thought it was another foster. But it ends up that after Little Man left Korea they were really heartbroken. He was their 5th foster and they decided they couldn't do it anymore.

They had done special needs placements and when a baby was relinquished with severe special needs, the agency had called them for an emergency placement until a foster home could be found. They took the sweet boy, and ADOPTED HIM!! The Foster Mother apologized over and again for not staying in touch or responding to any of our letters, but explained they had been very busy with multiple surgeries and doctor's appointments caring for their new son. Really, I didn't expect them to respond, I just wanted them to know that Little Man was OK!

They couldn't get over how grown Little Man is and thought he was even cuter now that he speaks English. Ha! They were surprised to see how he continued to eat through our entire meeting and expressed concern that he might get fat. That totally cracked us up. This child doesn't know how to sit still for a minute and he burns calories faster than he can get them in. And, I think it's a funny insight into Korean culture that they are worried about his weight!

They shared that the family used to call him "inhyung" which means "doll" because Little Man was such a pretty baby. They miss him a lot and said the entire family will gather to watch the videos we send on the USB, and often cry. They are so happy he is doing well and pleased that he is learning Korean and exposed to Korean culture.

Little Man and their son got on well and Little Man was so sweet in sharing his toys and snacks. Their son is basically blind, having only limited vision from the corner of his eye, if things are about 2  inches away. This was hard for Little Man to understand, but he was incredibly kind to him. We were proud.

I gave them a website where we load photos and videos so they can see him anytime they want. And they were thrilled to know that we plan on returning with both boys in the years ahead. They also gifted Little Man with an AMAZING hanbok. The first hanbok they sent him home with three years ago still fits, but just barely! We've received so many compliments on it because it's very high quality silk and embroidery. His new one is just as gorgeous and should fit him until he's 6-7 (unless he gets fat, ha!). We agreed to keep writing letters and to try and stay in touch.

After a huge photo session, Little Man showered them with hugs and kisses (he had been restrained until then). Foster Mom got teary holding him again and said it felt so good to have him back in her arms. We were all crying by that point. It's just so amazing to know how deeply these children are loved by their foster parents before they leave. Little Man was only with them four months but they have enough love for him for his lifetime! It's really a powerful thing. By far, one of the most amazing moments of our trip.

On pins and needles

People often ask "how was the adoption process"? For us, our adoption processes have been very different, but there were some prevailing things that we have experienced with both.

Hopefulness: Our first meeting with an adoption agency was incredibly exciting. It was our first step out into the wide world of adoption and the biggest thing I felt at that time was hopefullness and being a bit overwhelmed. It was hard to figure out which path was *right* for our family. As a person who is obsessed with doing things *right* or *wrong*, it took me a while to understand that becoming a family wasn't something you achieved by making a series of perfect decisions. We had many long conversations about race, culture and how we envisioned adoption would be incorporated into the thread of our family.

Determination: The home study phase was filled with determination and industriousness.There was the hunting and gathering of lots of necessary paperwork to complete the study. What an immense feeling of satisfaction as we slowly checked off things on that list! There were also many more deep conversations about how we saw our future as an adoptive family, and those nerve-wracking home study visits!! We were so terrified that our social worker would see some flaw that would eliminate us from the program. When I look back at this time I see that we just kept our noses to the grindstone and slowly moved through it.

Impatience: After the flurry of the home study process, this next phase is really slow and probably one of the hardest parts. We were ready for something to happen. Anything! We waited for our home study to be sent to Korea, then for a referral. Lots of waiting.

Helplessness: As the wait continues, I spent months feeling helpless. Everything about this process is out of your control.

Complete joy: Is there anything as wonderful as seeing the face of your child for the first time? The awe and amazement you feel to gaze upon their perfect features? We rode the high of our referral for weeks. There is a new flurry of activity that keeps you busy---accepting the referral, telling family, beginning to make preparations.

Impatience and helplessness: See above. The waiting here is worse than before, because now you know who you are waiting for. And that they are growing and learning each day.

Now we have entered one of the last stages.....

Pins and needles: This strange anticipation that fills my each waking moment. Little Brother walks with me like an invisible partner throughout the day. I feel like I can reach out and touch him at times. But then I remember just how far away he really is and what steps are left to bring him home.

Countless times a day, we check our email hoping for notification of a court date in Korea. One family in my waiting group just got notification of their court date---Jan. 27! They were submitted to court just one day ahead of us.

A second family announced today that they have a court date, and they were submitted a day after us.

AND...another family with our same agency, who has had the EXACT SAME DATES as us throughout the entire process, JUST GOT THEIR COURT DATE!! Feb. 4!!

So you see, this really can happen at any freaking minute. Yikes! My stomach flops just thinking about it. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed that it happens this week, because I'm not sure I can deal with the pins and needles phase one more minute longer!

*

Back to "what was the process like" question. If I could give one bit of advice to potential adoptive families, I would share with them that yes, the process can be challenging. It's easy to just focus on that part, because there's some deep down belief that once the child is home, you will feel complete.

But I'd encourage families to really try to understand more about "what's it like after they come home?" For us, that's when the really hard work began. All the emotions that we experienced---hopefulness, determination, impatience, helplessness, complete joy---we continued to experience at a much more intense level after Little Man came home.

There will be time to deal with that soon enough. Right now, enjoying the excitement and joy we feel that soon, Little Brother is coming home!!

Adoption process: Hard to wait

© Cheese Curds and Kimchi

"Hard to wait," pouts Little Man. "I wish Baby E was here," he says.

I can only nod as he says this, placing a special ornament on the Christmas tree that we just received for Baby Brother. I'm afraid if I try to answer, I'll burst into tears.

It's definitely hard to wait.

I've officially reached the crazy point. Everyone reaches it at a different time. We've been waiting and hoping for 15-months now. But it's these past 3-months that have been driving me slowly to the edge.

When our EP (emigration permit) was submitted to the Korean Ministry of Health and Welfare, a new director had taken over the agency and EPs were flying out in 4-6 weeks. We were submitted quickly and were flying high on the swift wings of our process. But that feeling has slowly waned as the weeks went by. This week is the 14th week we have been waiting for EP approval.

I'm in a group of about 200 families who are currently in process and we celebrate one another's victories along the journey. A home study completed, a referral, a travel call. It's a way to stay hopeful and know that eventually others will celebrate our good news.

The downside to sharing so much information is knowing that other families processes are moving while we feel ours has stalled. Other families with the same EP submission dates as ours have already been approved. Another family's EP was submitted an entire month later us and was just approved in 24 days, and yet another with similar dates has already received a travel call!

I am so thrilled for these families and moms. Really, I am. Because each of those stories means that another child will soon know the security of being in a family.

But I have to acknowledge that sharp pang of anxiousness.

A little jealousy. OK. Sometimes a lot.

And mostly, the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

I don't do helpless very well.

So we are taking things one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

When I feel that fluttering in my stomach and my eyes fill with tears, I take a deep breath and hold fast to the belief that our time is coming. I picture his face and hope he knows how much he is loved. I hope he is being showered with love and kindness as we wait to be together.

I tell myself that when we hold our son and finally bring him home, the heartsick feeling of longing will be forgotten. One day I'll remember this difficult time, but through the softer, foggier lens of life.

I also remind myself that as I experience these feelings while waiting Little Brother to come home, he will likely feel as much loss, longing and sadness when he leaves his foster family in Korea. Which makes my heart hurt even more.

Better to dream about our family's future. I picture us together years from now. Two brothers wrestling with Daddy in the back yard. Beautiful little boys laughing as they explore the woods together. Bunk beds. Bedtime snuggles with a child in each arm.

These thoughts make it a little easier to keep going.

Because boy, is it ever hard to wait.

***
Please keep the waiting children and families in your heart this holiday season. It really does help!

Also, the ornament seen in the photo was purchased to support the Gift-of-identity.org, a fund to support international adoptees visit the country of their birth. Grants are available to adoptees so that they may travel and explore their native culture and heritage.

 

Are they REAL brothers? Dealing with the 'real' question

Well, he had only been our son all of two weeks and we got the question.

Are they REAL brothers?

Many an adoptive parent has lamented hearing that question. I guess we'll hear it many more times throughout the boys lives.

The hurtful part of inquiring if something is 'real' is that it also implies the opposite---it is not 'real' it's false.

Something less than a true brother. A true mother. A true father.

At least, that's how a child will interpret it with their black & white logic.

Since we've been a family I've been asked the "what do you know about his 'real' parents" question several times. It hasn't bothered me much. That question is generally asked by people with no education about adoption and don't think about what their words actually imply.

I know that I'm the mommy in Little Man's life. I know he is my 'real' son. I know we are a 'real' family.

Whey other people say 'real', they mean "genetically connected". When I say 'real', I mean we are emotionally connected and tied together for a lifetime, without relying on genetics to define who our family is.

****

My family is a good example of 'real'.  They are my 'real' parents, although genetically speaking, I'm only tied to one of them. As a child, I was often asked the "where's your 'real' dad" question as a kid. Kind of rude, but it didn't matter much to me. I usually found that type of thought process funny---as in funny odd.

My real dad was right there with me, every day, going to my boring band concerts, putting up with my stupid teenage crap, and helping shape me as a person. And he was there beaming as he walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and crying as he found out we had received another referral.

For me, there has never been a question about who my real dad was.

All of this is background to say....I've forgotten that everyone doesn't think like this.

A few weeks after we accepted our referral, I met with Little Man's new preschool teacher. I mentioned that we are trying to prepare him for his new brother, who would be coming from Korea. She was excited and one of her first questions was "are they 'real' brothers?"

I was totally unprepared for this. The usual casualness I've felt about the 'real' question was replaced with a visceral reaction.

Wham. Outta left field. With Little Man standing there looking at me, I gaped like a fish. This time, the question hurt and stung. I couldn't figure out why.

****

After a few weeks of thinking on it, I guess what bothered me was knowing that Little Man might have to answer this repeatedly. I have a younger sibling that I'm incredibly close to, but we aren't asked routinely if we are real sisters or not. And I have another sister that I am not genetically related to. No one asks if we are real sisters or not either.

But with adopted kids, people seem compelled to ask that question.

For us, we have already shown, quite obviously, that we don't feel genetics define a family, nor quantify who can be your family member. But this question will likely continue to arise and the boys will be compared.

I have to admit, before we adopted, I'd see adoptive families (thank goodness I never asked one!) and search for likenesses between the children. Was that the same nose? Were they too close in age? The same smile? I also do that when I see kids of the same age in a family. Are they twins? Who is older? Do they favor the parents?

I guess it's part of how we categorize people. We want to know how their particular puzzle fits together. How the pieces are connected. So I'll try to understand when people wonder about our family too.

But for goodness sake, learn to be sensitive people! Think before you talk!

So the first time that question---are they 'real' brothers---popped up. I wasn't prepared. I wanted to protect Little Man from hearing the 'real' question and all the painful things that the word real might imply--that he isn't a 'real' son, a 'real' brother, or we aren't the 'real' parents.

I stumbled.

But next time I'll be prepared.

I'm ready to pass on the lessons I learned as a kid. To teach Little Man that we have the power to redefine the word 'real'. We have the power to create our own unique family, that is not limited or defined by genetic connections.

We have created our own 'real'. 

So the next time we are asked, "Are they real brothers?" it will be easy to answer.

Absolutely.

***Here's a great article from Adoptive Families on "real" siblings: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1185

Happy Birthday, Baby Brother

Hello my sweet,

Happy birthday baby boy. You are one year old today! And although we are thousands of miles apart, our hearts are there with you to celebrate your first year.

How I wish we could celebrate together, here at home. I wonder, would you prefer cake or cupcakes? Would you enjoy the laughter and mayhem of a party, or prefer the quiet celebration with family?

Although it hurts my heart not to be there for this milestone, I do take comfort in knowing that you are safe, and that you are in good hands.

I hope you feel secure and happy. I wish for you strength and health. And most of all, I wish for you to feel bathed in love, both from near and afar.

No, we can't be together for your first birthday. But you still get a first birthday letter! You might find them funny, but it's the one time of year that your mama can be as sappy as she wants, and marvel that the world continues to be graced by special people who bring amazing gifts to share.

We don't know much about one another yet. I remind myself that although a first year and passed, (and with it your first smile, your first tooth, and perhaps even a first step...) there is still so very much ahead of us. A lifetime, my love.

Your given Korean name means 'merciful friend'. Hopefully you and Little Man will grow to be best of friends. He is anxious to meet you. He woke up this morning, as excited that is was your birthday as he is when it's his own.

He helped bake your cake today, too. He chose to make his favorite, chocolate cake topped with M&Ms and sprinkles! Maybe it will be your favorite one day too?

We sang you happy birthday as we watched the flame of your birthday candle flicker. And we all blow it out together, sending our birthday wishes for you to the sky.

Today also, we wished for comfort and peace for your birth mother. She made an adoption plan for you, making sure you were safe. For that, we are forever grateful. She is the root of your tree of life. Her roots run deep within you and set a foundation for your tiny tree to grow.

We anxiously await the day when we can meet you, sapling. We wait for you, ready to lavish you with sunshine and love. We will work through the storms together. And stand firm beside you, a safe grove of family to surround you and watch over you as you grow.

Yes, so many wonderful years ahead of us.

Until your next sappy birthday letter,

Love, Mommy

Care Package!

This here internet thing is truly wonderful! I belong to a few groups of mamas who are waiting to bring children home from Korea. Another adoptive mama that I met on Facebook announced she was finally heading to Korea to bring her daughter home (yay!!). I quickly asked if she'd carry a care package for us and she agreed!

The MPS (Mama Postal Service) comes to the rescue once again. Some agencies allow waiting families to ship packages to Korea, but ours does not. They also do not carry packages, so the only way for us to get something to Dongsaeng is to send it with another traveling family.

We needed to get things together quickly and be thoughtful about what we were going to include. Because someone else is carrying this in their luggage and then has to lug it over to the agency in Korea, it needs to be small and compact. Somehow the gallon ziplock bag rule came to be a MPS standard  (I think it was a requirement from another agency).

But our main goal was to send him some things that would help him get to know us, let him know we love him, and that will help him make the transition. You know...pretty much stuff the world into that tiny plastic bag.

After much laboring and debating and shopping, here's what we decided to send:

(Bottom left, clockwise)

• B. Hellophone: My good friend M. gave Little Man one of these phones shortly after he came home and he loved it! It has plenty of buttons to press and you can record a short message. LM decided to say Annyonghasayo (hello in Korean) to his new brother!
• The Very Hungry Caterpillar Soft Book: One of LM's favorite bedtime reads in a soft, chewable edition.
• A very special flannel blanket made with love by Grandma!
• A new outfit from Gymboree. Couldn't resist the cheesy Little Brother onesie!
• Sophie The Giraffe Teething Ring: Little Brother is cutting teeth, so this tiny-sized Sophie was just right.
• Knuffle Bunny: A tiny plushie From the Elephant and Piggie book series.
• Sassy Look Book: A photo album. Personally, I think this tiny look book is a bit on the small side, but space was getting tight! It has 8 pages so there are photos of us and our home here for Little Brother to look at. We'll be sending more photos of us in our next care package.
• Disposable Cameras: Of course I had to send something to take photos, but really, most Koreans are way ahead of Americans in terms of technology so this is sort of like sending a stone tablet to write on. However, it's an easy way to send the message that we cherish and value photos. We did the same with LM and his foster mother used the disposables, but she also shot a ton of photos with her great camera and had them printed and put into a giant photo album. Hope Little Brother is as lucky!
• Thumb drive: We included a thumb drive (see the tiny white thing?) that has videos of us on it. We were hoping that they will have a way to play this for Little Brother so he'll be able to get to know us a bit better.
• Foster family gifts: Oh yeah, and when that ziplock was filled to the gills, I also included a package of Starbucks VIA and two giant gourmet chocolate bars. And a thank-you letter (which we had translated) thanking them for caring for our son, and introducing our family.

I couldn't help smiling as I packed that special package. Thank goodness I got my super packing skills from my Mom! Every square inch of that bag was stuffed.

And while I packed it, I started to get very excited. Dongsaeng would be holding something we had actually picked for him! Our journey to him has been filled with stops and starts and anxious worries. He just seems so far away and I haven't really felt connected to him yet.

Shopping together for the care package and talking about what Little Brother would like made me feel like this is actually going to happen!! It started to seem tangible and real. And finally, there is finally a connection between us than just paperwork. I just feel so happy thinking about him snuggling with his new blankie, or hearing Little Man's voice on the telephone.

Little Man gave the bag one last hug before we shipped it out to the traveling mom, and on Oct. 10, she hand delivered our package to SWS in Korea! 

Hooray for the MPS!!

And in the Something To Look Forward To category...another good friend who is waiting to bring her daughter home from Korea will be traveling soon. Starting to gear up for care package #2! Any ideas???