Asian and multicultural dolls for kids

Hi all.

Just a quick note. I recently learned about this great company called Pattycake Doll Company, that specializes in dolls that aren't...mainstream.

You know, boy dolls. Asian dolls. Multicultural dolls.

I haven't purchased from this company so I can't vouch for the quality. But I know that hunting down dolls of color can be a challenge.  In our house we only have one doll set, the Plan Toy Doll House Asian Family. I think it's important to have dolls that reflect a variety of faces and cultures, but our boys tend to prefer animals at this point.

Here's the link to Pattycake's Asian dolls page: http://www.pattycakedoll.com/asian_dolls

Have you ordered from Pattycake before?

My two cents: Chicago couple battling to adopt South Korean baby

I just read a Chicago Tribune story about a legal battle over a 7-month-old baby girl taken out of Korea illegally. The situation is upsetting, but I find that the people I'm most upset with are the people who want to be her adoptive parents.

Here's the recap:

Jinshil and Christopher Duquet wanted to expand their family through adoption. They already have one daughter, age 10, whom they had adopted from South Korea. Jinshil is South Korean, having moved to the US when she was a child. They attempted to adopt another child in 2011 but learned that they had aged out of the program. Jinshil, 49, and her husband, 55, far surpass the 45 year old age limit for Korean adoptions.

According to the Duquets, they were contacted by a family member of Jinshil's in Korea, who knew of an unwed mother living at a shelter for pregnant women who was searching for an adoptive family. They made an arrangement and Jinshil flew to Korea, waited for the baby's birth, took custody and brought the baby to the US when she was just a few weeks old. According to the family, they worked through a South Korean lawyer to facilitate this "adoption" and have documentation from the child's birth mother and grandmother relinquishing custody.

Upon arrival to the US, they were detained at the airport because the baby did not have the proper documentation for adoption. They appeared in the US courts and the baby was removed from their care due to lack of the proper immigration documents. They filed a court suit, were named guardians and regained custody while this debate over immigration is being dealt with. South Korea says they took the baby illegally and demands the child be surrendered back to South Korea.

Here's why this story bothers me...

* There are rules people. And the rules are set forth by the country of origin. You may not agree with these rules, but that's the way it is. South Korea has deemed that children placed for adoption must have the opportunity to be adopted in Korea first. No child is placed for international adoption until the age of 5-months to allow for the possibility that they may remain in their birth country. This child did not have that opportunity.

* The Duquets have completed an international adoption from Korea before. Anyone who is in this program knows all adoptions are facilitated from the three state sanctioned programs. It can be a complicated and cumbersome system at times, but out of the 40 years Korea has been doing IA, their program has been steady and solid. While no system is foolproof, this system seems to work well in preventing/controlling fraudulent adoptions.

* These folks are WAY out of the age limits. Again, you might not agree with the rules, but Korea absolutely has the right to dictate the terms of international adoption. You age out, you are out of luck.

* No one is arguing that the child was not in need of a home or that the Duquet's do not have a suitable home to give her. The Duquet's are arguing that they were following advice from their South Korean lawyer. They believed they were within the law. But supposedly the Duquets had previously spoken with a South Korean orphanage about their age...might they have also consulted about whether their "private" adoption was legal? And again, they were no strangers to the confusing land of international adoption. It seems likely that they thought they had found a loophole in the system and decided to take advantage of it.

* The most upsetting part for me is that this little girl is paying the price for the Duquet's missteps. A doctor has stated the child shows signs of trauma, due to her removal from the family's care. The family cites that trauma as reasons why the child should remain in their custody.

I still have a lot of friends in process right now---the legal process---waiting to bring home their children from Korea. This story has sent shards of fear through that community. Terrified that the Duquet's actions will usher in more severe penalties for those who are law abiding. In the wake of the 2010 case where Artyem Saviliev was returned to Russia by his adoptive mother, which sparked the demand and the subsequent passage of an US ban on adoptions, I don't think this fear is paranoid. The situation couldn't have occurred at a more difficult time. 

Law changes in Korean adoption implemented last year and still being sorted out and have stalled the adoption processes for everyone. The courts are sorting out what documentation they require, children are being abandoned by birth mothers due to the new registry requirements, and additional red tape has meant hundreds of children are delayed even further from being placed in their forever homes. 

Could this situation mean even more legal wrangling and delays as the government interprets and enacts the new laws?

This quote from a Chicago Tribune story sums it up best: 

"Julie Tye, president of The Cradle, an Evanston adoption agency, offered words of warning to families who want to adopt a child from another country.

"If you find a way to do an adoption in a way that no one else seems to have done, you have to ask yourself this question: 'Do I know something that nobody else knows, or do they know something that I don't know?'

"When it comes to adoption, especially international adoption, the path less traveled is probably the one to be avoided," Tye said."

###

Related links:
Evanston couple fights for South Korea adoption {Chicago Tribune}
Evanston couple battling 2 countries over adoption  {Chicago Tribune}
South Korea tries to recall US adoption {Christian Science Monitor}

Multicultural coloring pages

{image via babyclipart.net}

Color! Color!

Little Man runs and grabs the art bin, filled with colors and coloring pages. As I pull out the pages and watch him greedily grab handfuls of colors, I watch as he scribbles swaths of blue across a tiger's face.

Most of our coloring pages are animals, numbers, letters, or cartoons. We really don't have any with people in them yet.

Right now he's seeing depictions that have a typical American bent. The scenes are American and show things he recognizes from his life here: housing styles, city scenes, buildings, flags, etc.

That's a great starting point, but we've begun talking about Korea. It would be nice to tie the concept of Korea as a real place and coloring depictions of life there would be awesome!

So, I'm hunting around for some Asian-themed coloring pages.

It's been tougher than I thought it would be! I've found some Asian coloring pages online, but most of theme tend to be educationally themed and really boring for a two-year-old. There are quite a few Chinese New Year coloring pages, which at least depict Asian people. Those will suffice for now but I was looking for slice-of-life themes instead of a logo for a holiday.

So far, little luck.

I'm putting in the links to a few things I have found. If any of you have come across books you like, please share them!

Korean girl in hanbok, Korean flag & Bibimbop
Hanbok, Tol and Korean flag pages
Asian Buildings and Houses
China coloring pages
Japan coloring pages
Chinese people coloring pages
Chinese New Year coloring pages
Pororo

This film needs to be made: Geographies of Kinship

What is the definition of family? Is it who you are connected to by genetics? Or who you are connected to by the heart? Is there room for both? How are they different or the same?

I have often contemplated this and have since I was a kid. In our family we had plenty of people who were raising children they may or may not be connected to genetically. But we were family all the same. So genetics really never factored much into my definition of who was family.

But sometimes I had this strange pull...the attraction to (and wondering about) people I was genetically related to but didn't know. Were THOSE people family? How could I include them in the same circle of loving and reliable people that I defined as family? I needed a new definition for people that I was genetically related to and yet had no emotional connection to. I never found that definition...

Exploring the map of kinships continues to be an interesting topic to me, and filmmaker Deann Borshay Liem is fascinated with the topic too. She's currently raising funds for her third film about adoption. Borshay Liem is a Korean adoptee herself and has already made two films about the Korean adoption experience: First Person Plural was about her personal adoption story, and in In The Matter Of Cha Jung Hee,  Borshay Liem documented her search for a Korean girl who was supposed to be adopted to the U.S., and never was.

Borshay Liem in the final days of fundraising for the project. Here's her KICKSTARTER fundraising page if you are interested in more information.

Sign a petition and help adoptive families extend the Adoption Tax Credit

We've talked about it before. The Adoption Tax Credit.

The unfortunate truth is that adoption can be quite expensive, with the average cost ranging between $25-$35,000. The adoption tax credit, as it exists now, is a refundable credit of up to $13,170 for qualifying adoption expenses incurred during the process for all adoptions finalized before the end of 2011 for international adoptions, or 2012 for domestic adoptions.

This tax credit is what has helped many families afford adoption.

In 2012, the tax credit will change though, making it more difficult to fund the high cost of adoption. Starting in 2012, the credit will no longer be refundable, and in 2013 the credit goes away entirely. According to the Washington Times "Congress must extend the tax credit this year and if it does not, the credit will disappear. Currently, there is no serious legislation on the table that will extend this important credit."

Please consider signing THIS PETITION to extend the tax credit as it currently reads in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care act.

For more information:
Tax refund from the IRS for adoptive families in 2012
Guest Post – The Adoption Tax Credit: What You Need to Know

Presidential Proclamation for National Adoption Month

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Love this quote from President Obama's proclamation for National Adoption Month:

"The decision to adopt a child has brought profound joy and meaning into the lives of Americans across our country.  Parents are moved to adopt for reasons as unique and varied as the children they embrace, but they are unified by the remarkable grace of their acts.  Adoptive families come in all forms.  With so many children waiting for loving homes, it is important to ensure that all qualified caregivers are given the opportunity to serve as adoptive parents, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or marital status."

The only point I might differ with him on, is that there is grace in the act of adoption. I think most people adopt because we want to parent. We take different paths to choosing to parent through adoption, but I'm not sure it's a decision with any more grace than becoming a parent biologically.

But overall, I thought his sentiment was well expressed. I appreciate that he included reference to children adopted from the U.S. and from abroad. And acknowledging that there are a variety of reasons we walk down this path.

Read the entire proclamation HERE.

Friday Round Up--8.5.2011

So, my friend S. sent me an email after the post about THIS post, and because she is a smart and thoughtful person, she asked just why I bristle at the "is he adopted question."

And Anonymous commented on the post, stating "We have an adopted African American beautiful little girl. And yes are conspicuous family. This is my question. What IS an appropriate way to ask if a child is adopted. I have an adopted child, yet, I get nervous to ask such a question other conspicuous families.... Any suggestions?"

Both of these questions stuck with me yesterday.

First, asking if LM is adopted doesn't really bother me as much as how the question is asked. We knew we'd encounter these questions well before we our sweet boy's face. When we first chose international adoption, and to have a child who didn't look like us, we understood that we would be a family that looked a little different. And we were OK with that.

We still are. And damn proud of LM, and the beautiful country he was born in. I have no problem sharing that with people. If they ask politely.

The questions just remind us that as we struggle to be "normal", the world will always see us a little different. I guess that a minor irritation.

To answer Anonymous, I don't know if there IS an appropriate way to ask. It likely varies from family to family. I have also refrained from asking when I've seen other families that have children of color. I feel an instant kinship with them and want to talk with them, share our common experiences. But I don't. They probably get enough of that from those other types of folks too.

But there is a way to make a connection---we were at a street fair the other day and the lady we were buying honey from was cooing over LM. "He's beautiful," she said and we beamed. I thought the next question was coming, but then she pointed to an Asian girl sitting on the curb. "That's my daughter," she said. "She's from Vietnam. And my son is from Guatemala."

She established a connection between us, but she never asked if LM was adopted or said her children were. They were just our children. No explanation of how they came to be ours. And I guess that's the turning point from me. They are our children. Period. I liked that.

The other thing I realized after pondering this question is how defensive I am about it. Whenever people ask, or I think they are about to, I find myself gearing up for the worst. Unfortunately the negative experiences we've had (albeit a few, but I've heard enough other stories to make me know there will be more) have made me feel on guard. I think that stems from people making assumptions about us based on our decision to adopt. Generally, they think we are power-Christians doing the will of God as written in the bible (no offense, but this is not the reason we adopted); think that one of us is infertile (this is also not the reason) and, gasp, they sometimes have the audacity to ask which one; or they judge us because we adopted one of those *foreign* kids when we should be taking care of the kids right here in the USA. Obviously that one really pisses me off.

We've learned to be wary of those folks because the conversations, as short as we try to keep them, just end up frustrating us or leading to very awkward moments. So when the question "is he adopted" comes up, the learned response is for us to be on the defensive.

Many of these interactions, no matter how brief, remind me that there are a lot of rude and insensitive people out there. And that is just depressing.

I really love Michelle and Stefan's answer: "Smile and walk away." It makes the most sense. I'm not good at that approach. I often feel some strange sense of obligation to be a good steward of adoption. I feel compelled to explain myself and our decisions. And, I am damn proud of this boy and want to share our joy with the world. As Yvonne commented, you don't have to "feel like you have to really answer the question."

Smile and walk away would be the best way to handle those people who's interest in our lives comes from a judgmental place. Now I just have to learn how to do it.

********************************

In other matters, LM met his other grandma yesterday! She was very brave and flew (although the last big flight she took was 55 years ago) all by herself. He was a bit bashful when he first met her, but has since decided she's a good egg and likes to entertain her with his antics.

Grandma will be with us for 10 days, and we will be heading off to the Wisconsin State Fair, one of Daddy's bike races, and a few street fairs. Who knows what other trouble we can get into.

Happy weekend to you!

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To learn to write: Alphabet Tracing Pages

To organize: Clever uses for tension rods

To ponder: Either You Have It Or You Don't. Period.

To consider: Kung Fu Panda 2 Takes On Adoption

To make for a girl: Summer Vacation Dress

Friday Round-up: Race and ethnicity in children's toys

{image source}

I remember her well. She had creamy white skin. Blond hair. A sweet painted face. And the best part--she could drink real water and then go pee!

It was the 1970's and Baby Tender Love was all the rage.

So I was ecstatic when my grandfather, who was visiting from California, brought two baby dolls for my sister and I. My sister opened hers first, and as I was tearing through the wrapping, I could hardly wait to see my dollie's face.

And then I was shocked. While my sister's was the doll had peach-colored skin, mine had dark brown.

Grandpa had brought a white one and a black one so we could tell them apart.

{image source}

I'm ashamed to say that I was quite disappointed when I received the dark skinned doll. I had never seen an African American person, much less an African American doll. How could I "mother" a baby who didn't look like me at all? I burned with envy that my sister got the white one.

(Now, part of that desire for a white dolly could be attributed to the dumb-ass my mom was married to at the time, who was a prejudiced A-hole and called my doll racist names. The dumb-ass's opinions in no way reflected my mother's opinions at all and I'm happy to say that the dumb-ass wasn't around for much longer after that. But I digress.....)

But likely, the bigger reason I wanted that white doll was because I didn't really understand that people came in a variety of colors, much less that dolls did too. I grew up in a very small town where pretty much everyone was white. I had never seen an African American, Asian. The only other racial group I had ever seen was Hispanics.

All the faces in my books were white. The faces on TV were mostly white. People on billboards were white. White was what I was used to seeing.

Of course, part of this was the time period I was raised in (the 70s)--a time before the word diversity was used on a daily basis. In fact, I'm quite surprised they even had any dolls of color at all, and somewhat impressed that my grandfather would buy one.

This incident highlights to me why it's important for children--all children--to see more than one race depicted in the things they play, watch, and read. It also illustrates that children love to see their faces reflected in their play toys. One day, my son probably will too.

Forty years later, things have changed a little. The majority of images/toys/books you will see depict Caucasians. As a white woman, I never had a reason to notice these things before we became an interracial family.

Here's the facts: according to the 2008 Census data, our country is predominately white. Six main races are recognized in the U.S.: White, American Indian and Alaska Native, Asian, Black or African American, Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander. Those categorized as white comprise 75-80% of our population (via American Community Survey (ACS) and Population Estimates Program respectively.)

Advertisers market to the biggest portion of the population. That's the white portion. So, production for children's goods follows suit. I get that. But even if I were parenting a white child, I'd still be adamant about showing a wider range of diversity in their toy box. The real world is not one color.

So here's what it looks like from my new perspective. In the Midwest, the white population is between 83-85%. We don't see a ton of diversity in the toys/books offered in our area, and we aren't seeing it in our population either. Little Man is surrounded by white, much like I was as a child. White families in story books. White faces on play toys. White faces in advertisement. White faces on billboards. White faces on TV.

What to do? We have to be diligent about ensuring our beautiful Asian boy sees his beautiful features & culture reflected back in some of his toys, movies we watch, and books. We've sought out music, books, toys, and games that have more racial diversity.

It will take more than books and artwork, we know. But right now, those things will help him begin to understand inclusion, and that there are many shades of people we share the world with. It's about tolerance for things that are different. It's about pride in himself and his culture. It's about him not being shocked when he gets a doll that isn't white.

As I said, the real world is not one color. Even though sometimes, it can seem that way.

Here's some sources for Asian-related toys and dolls that we have found helpful.


Dolls:
Lewis
Bedtime Dolls for Asian Children
Live and Learn's Asian Dolls

Books:
San Francisco Kid's Public Library Asian Heritage Reading List
National Education Association's Asian American Booklist
Favorite Asian Children's Books

Toys:
Asian Play Food
Wok and Roll
Plan Toy Doll House: Asian Family
Stir Fry Slicing Set
Pretend Play Family
Just Kidz Beauty Makeover Styling Head

Say what??

Well, this is a topic I never thought I'd blog about--earwax. Rest assured it's not a typical topic of interest for me, but I just read a great post by Grace at Chois-R-Us about the difference between Caucasian and Asian earwax. 

Say what?? There's a difference in earwax? Out of all the things we've endeavored to learn about becoming a multi-racial family, I never gave earwax a second thought. (For the record, I never gave earwax a first thought either.)

If you are too lazy to click over to Grace's blog (really though, you should), I'll summarize. There are two types of ear wax: "wet" which is what people of African or European descent have (amberish, moist and gooey) and "dry" which is what about 90 percent of Asians have (grayish, dry and flaky). The difference is evidently due to a gene mutation Asians have that prevents the buildup of cerumen in the ear, which is what makes earwax wet.

So you know (I hope) how to clean the wet type. But the dry type tends to build up more, and thus, is usually removed with a pick.

Izy Bamboo Picks

The picks look like tiny torture devices although many companies seem to do their best to friendly them up. The thought of having someone dig around in my ear with one of those things is pretty scary, but it sounds like I have seriously been missing out on one of life's pleasures because it's described as:

• "often done by lovers as a sign of intimacy and vulnerability"
• "one of care, relaxation, closeness and pleasure" 
• or, brace yourself, "as intercourse for your ear." 

Hmm. That one almost convinces me to give it a try.

If you are enticed to try it yourself, you can find play-by-play ear picking instructions HERE.

I knew we might discover new things after becoming a multi-racial family. But learning about this kind of stuff still catches me by surprise! I wonder what other things we might come across?

Now that I know about it, I'm still not sure I'm going to be able to do it. I get antsy watching The Man clean his ears because he pokes that darned swab so far in there. Not sure I could dig into the squirmy Little Man's ears with a tiny stick, and I'm very sure I couldn't watch The Man do it either.

Guess we'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

National Adoption Awareness Month

Our first National Adoption Awareness month! Last year at this time we were still having the discussion about whether we were ready to finally start our family, and this year we find ourselves anxiously waiting to become parents.

We always knew that adoption would be part of our family, if we should choose to have one. As thrilled as were (and are) to finally start our family, I have to admit, we didn't really *know* how different the adoption path would be. I mean, there's the obvious parts like not going through childbirth, parenting a child that is genetically related to you, and all the logistical hoops we have to jump through to have a child.

But the things that really caught me a bit off-guard are the type of things that you really couldn't imagine or understand unless you are involved in adoption. There are so many ways adoptive families are set apart from biologically made families. And I've started to realize that some people have a very shallow definition of what a family is.

After we started moving forward on our adoption, I looked into my company's benefits. Not only does the typical maternity benefits not apply to me--my company, a multi-million dollar company, does not have any adoption benefits at all. None. Zilch. And that's bogus.

For years American companies have provided paid medical leave and reimbursements for medical care to employees having a child. But as you all know, not every family is created the same way. Evidently many companies only consider the traditional method of creating a family worth recognizing (and subsidizing).

Take paid maternity leave. If I had the child biologically, I'd get the typical 6-weeks paid leave. But adoptive moms aren't treated the same way as biological moms. I'll be using the family medical leave act which entitles me to take unpaid time off. Better than nothing, but still chaps my hide. Of course, after the costs associated with adoption, taking several months off work without pay will be a tricky endeavor.

Want to see what type of benefits are out there? Here's a list of super awesome companies that are good to adoptive families: The Dave Thomas Foundation's annual 100 Best Adoption-Friendly workplaces. I'm so jealous!

Some top notch companies have been offering adoption benefits since the late 80s. Many offer monetary reimbursements for the costs associated with adoption (which is a great way to stress the importance of families at a company) and in a 1999 study, it was estimated that about 31% of companies offered an average monetary reimbursement of $3100 (from The Free Library). The average as of 2004 is around $5000 and the numbers of companies offering these types of benefits are growing.

National Adoption Awareness Month calendar

But by looking at the activity for today on the National Adoption Month awareness calendar, I am inclined to believe there are more companies out there like the one I work for. And how sad that is! The number of adoptions from foster care are rising, the number of international adoptions are increasing, and the number of domestic adoptions have all trended upwards in recent years. Clearly there are more people adopting now than ever before.  So are companies not offering benefits because of the costs associated?

According to Rita Soronen, executive director of the Adoption Friendly Workplace initiative, not all companies offer adoption benefits because "it's not on their radar. They don't think of it until an employee raises the issue, and it takes a savvy employee to know if her company or a competitor offers it. Some companies don't think it's worth the effort to put them in place, because it's such a special niche. Some companies think they can't afford it, and some just don't want to offer them."

So adoptive friends and family, I guess it's up to us to help educate the masses. Propose ways to make your company more adoption friendly with the help of a free adoption-friendly workplace toolkit from the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. You can also check out the adoption friendly employers and benchmarks HERE.

I ordered copies of this information for my company. And I hope you'll consider joining in on this effort, whether you are an adoptive family or not. Chances are that you know someone who has been touched by adoption, and if you could help pave the way for another family to be created, wouldn't that be worth the effort?

Adoptee Rights Day-A demand for access to sealed records

ARRGGGG. I wrote a really kick ass post on this subject. But an unfortunate flub (accidentally selected all, then hit delete, followed by the untimely "save now" feature kicking in before I could hit undo) has left me starting from scratch.

I'm warning ya--it's lengthy. If your attention span can't hold on, I won't be offended. But please roll to the bottom of the page before you leave and read the super important part!

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I can recall the first time I saw my birth certificate. I was about to get married. I thought I knew exactly what would be on it and assumed it would be pretty straightforward. My mom's name. My birth father's name. And my name.

But when I saw my adopted dad's name on that slip of paper, it surprised me. Like most people, I had no idea that when I was adopted (read about that here) my original birth certificate was altered, removing all traces of my birth father. In my case, that was a good thing. But it's still strange to have your history rewritten by the law.


The issue 
For the roughly 6 million adoptees in the United States, their original birth certificates and all information pertaining to their birth history is permanently sealed upon the completion of their adoption. Once sealed, those records are not accessible.

Adoptees records include:

• the adoption document
• details about birth parents and their histories gathered during pre-adoption interviews 
• the original birth certificate
  

The law hasn't always worked this way. Adoption records were open until the 1940s. Previous to that, birth certificates were not altered, and all the names of the people in the adoption were part of the public record.

But in the 40's, the social perception of adoption began to change. Adoption began to be secretized (for lack of a better word I just made up my own). It became more commonplace, and was seen as the alternative way to getting that idillic life of 2.5-children-a-dog-and-a-white-picket-fence for those who could not conceive. In order to fit into that squeaky clean life, they cleaned up the adoptive child's not-so-pretty past.

At the suggestion of social workers and adoption agencies, the courts moved to seal records. Supposedly this move would protect the adoptive parents from possible interference from birth parents and protect adoptees from the cultural stigmas attached to being adopted. (It seems there was nothing worse at that time than to be considered a bastard child or illegitimate. "Illegitimate" was actually stamped on their birth certificate! Adoptees records were changed to reflect their new, non-bastard status.)

And don't forget the protection for the birth parents, who, once the records were changed, could not be legally traced to an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy.

Fast forward to today. In the 70's the active adoptee networks began pushing for unsealing records. The movement has been slowly gathering steam. In the beginning the push for opening records was downplayed. (I surmise it was by people who never knew the pain of not having access to their personal histories.) They saw the request for records as disrespectful toward adoptive parents, or as spiteful moves from adoptees who's adoptions "didn't work out".


Why should I care?
The Man and I have had discussions about this and it's a complex issue. Although much of this debate does not pertain to us since we are doing international adoption, we can still empathize and understand the pain that not having access to records can cause adoptees.

Adoptive parents should care about this issue because it's important to our adopted children. It's perfectly natural to wonder where you come from, a family history and why you were put up for adoption. This is actually a part of healthy adaptation to the concept of self for an adoptee. I can't think of a better way to show love for our child than to support them in their effort to understand themselves and their adoption. Yes, it might be painful, but aren't there lots of painful aspects to doing the right thing for your children?


The debate
This is the hottest issue in adoption right now. Sealed records are generally the exception around the world. Scotland, England, Sweden, Mexico, Argentina, Venezuela, and South Korea, to name a few--they all have open records. Most industrialized nations do. The U.S. is one of the last hold outs on this.


 There are basically 3 camps in this debate:

The adoptees: Right now, there are only seven states in the U. S. that allow full or partial access to adoptees records. (Please give a big hand to Alabama, Alaska, Delaware, Kansas, Maine, Oregon and Tennessee.) If you aren't lucky enough to be born in one of these six states, you are shit out of luck.

Without access to their original records, in some states adoptees are only given non-identifying information about their birth families. This information may include hair color, the age of the birth parents at the time of birth, reasons for adoption, and perhaps a health history if they are lucky. They often have to prove to the courts that there is a "good cause" for wanting this information. Curiosity is not enough.

Adoptees consider this restriction of information as a civil rights violation. By not allowing them to obtain the original government documents pertaining to their adoption, they feel they are discriminated against. Everyone, except adoptees and people in the federal witness protection program, have access to their records.

Search and reunion is not the intent of every adoptee who wants this information. Just having access to this information is enough for some.

 In a study of American adolescents, the Search Institute found that 72 percent of adopted adolescents wanted to know why they were adopted, 65 percent wanted to meet their birth parents, and 94 percent wanted to know which birth parent they looked like. --American Adoption Congress

The parents:  The law, as it exists now, seems to put the rights of the birth parents over the rights of the adoptees. The folks in this camp believe birth parents have a right to privacy. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to understand why birth parents might object to unsealing the records. But even if they are contacted by an adoptee, they still have the right to refuse interaction with them if they choose.

Surprisingly, research has shown that most first parents are open to being contacted.

Ninety-four percent of non-searching birthmothers when contacted by their adult birth children were pleased, according to a recent British study. (“The Adoption Triangle Revisited: A Study of Adoption Search and Reunion Experiences,” British Association for Adoption and Fostering, 2005)

And lest we forget the adoptive parents in this debate. A major reason courts have given to keep records sealed is to protect the adoptive parents who might be hurt or threatened if their children want to know more about their first families. And again, research does not show this point to be true. 

Adoptive mothers were more in favor of opening adoption records than fathers: 83 percent of adoptive mothers and 73 percent of adoptive fathers felt that adult adoptees should be able to obtain a copy of their birth certificates; only 9 percent of adoptive mothers and 11 percent of adoptive fathers felt they should not have access.--Adoptive family study by Rosemary Avery, Cornell associate professor of consumer economics and housing and a specialist in family policy and foster care.

The adoption vs. abortion group: These folks are against unsealing records because they allege that without anonymity, women will choose the abortion option. However, in countries and states that have redacted the sealing laws, this has not proven to be true. In fact, the numbers do not seem to change at all.

Workers at pro-life centers such as Birthright report that young women today will only choose adoption if they are assured of updates or contact with the adoptive family. Gretchen Traylor, Birthright counselor in Minnesota, says, "When adoption  is under consideration, the young woman’s overriding concern is that she will be unable to contact her child later in life, and that the child will not be able to find her as well. Pregnant women tell me that if such contact is NOT available, they would rather abort."--American Adoption Congress

So what are the options?

There seem to be three options on the table at this point.

• Pro unrestricted access to records--Adoptees must apply and will receive their information.

• Against unrestricted access--

• Compromised access--Access would be allowed, but birth parents would be contacted first and have the right to accept or veto the adoptee's access to the information. This group of supporters believes this minor change in the law is better than nothing. This process would tack on a large expense for adoptees to get access to their information.

The whole point of this post
 OK. So it was a long introduction, but here's the point. There is a large protest rally happening July 25 in Kentucky at the Annual Summit of the National Conference of State Legislatures. Rallies have been held in past years and made significant progress but there is much work to be done!

If you cannot attend the rally, you can join the cause. Spread the word through social media and blogs. (Feel free to link to my post as a way to spread the message) Or pick up a snazzy badge to display on your blog HERE.

Or participate in a letter writing campaign to let your state legislators know how you feel. Find your legislators by going HERE and send them a letter by July 19.

Of course donations are a great way to help the cause.

And there are other suggestions about what you can do HERE.

But the main thing is that we get involved. Think about your child. Think about the questions he will ask. Think about what's important for her emotional and psychological health. Think about what YOU would want to know, and then speak out to make it possible.

Here's some more places you can learn about the cause:

The Adoptee Rights Demonstration

Green Ribbon Campaign for Open Records

The Basic Bastard: Open Records
The Basic Bastard: A History of Sealed Records in the US

A brief history of adoption records-Part 1
A brief history of adoption records-Part 2
A brief history of adoption records-Part 3

South Korean hotties...er...men

OK. Sometimes I feel weird doing this. But I'm fessing up to it anyway.

Chances are that we are going to be paired with a little boy from South Korea. I've only ever seen myself with a girl, so I'm working on changing my mental picture.

But the thing is, in my head there aren't a lot of  pictures of what Asian boys or men look like. So I've been trying to pay more attention to Asian boys and men so I can picture our family. (This is the curse of being a visual person--you are always trying to pre-visualize what things will look like.)

One goes about this process very carefully. For example, you don't want to Google "pictures of Asian boys" or you are likely to wind up at some freaky disturbing sites.

This is where CNN has stepped in to help a girl out. I'm sure they didn't do it just for me, but I appreciate their timing nevertheless. They just announced the 20 hottest male celebrities from South Korea. Plenty of boys/men to look at and my mental photo album is growing by leaps and bounds.

The only glitch--the men on the list were chosen "purely on the basis of how much drool they elicited from the female members of the staff." Other factors to making the list were "their chocolate abs, sublime faces and lean, mean, sex-machine bodies."

This is a little disturbing since I'm trying to be all motherly and thinking that my future son might look like one of these guys. Yikes!

Go here to see videos of all these musicians, actors and celebs.

Mothers be warned.

(image credit: STARNews)

What's in a name?

You get some funny questions in this journey, don't you? We aren't that far into it, and we already have a collections of odd, ill-informed, and the downright offensive comments and questions. One thing in we continually get asked about is Seoul Baby's birth name.

He will be named in Korea, and we do have the ability to change his name after bringing him home. We've talked about this many times and haven't made a final decision.

Renaming someone seems wrong. It feels like taking something from Seoul Baby that was not ours to take. It seems like giving him a new name to match his new country and his new life, is an effort to wipe the slate clean of his past. It can be viewed as "cultural erasure" as a blogger (and Korean adoptee) at Twice the Rice has deemed it.

"Adopted children whose birth parents named them deserve to carry that piece of their heritage with them, as it is one of the few parts of their birth histories they can lay claim to, as part of their very own, real, authentic, true-life stories. 


Adoptees, such as myself, whose names were given to them by social workers, nurses or orphanage intake workers may find that although those names don’t represent a piece of their birth histories or bloodlines, they nonetheless represent pieces of their rightful histories."

Read the rest of her fabulous post on keeping a child's given birth name here.

There is something special about having a name bestowed to you. Think of all the thought that must have went into that decision! My full first name is spelled quite originally (I don't post my full spelling here for anonymity reasons) . It's something I hated as a kid (never could find cool pencils or bracelets at the fair with my name on them) but something I've cherished as an adult. A man recently commented on the creative spelling of my name, for which I gave my mother credit. He asked if I was creative (which I am) and it was his opinion that your name sets the foundation for your life. I was given a creative name, and therefore I am creative. Perhaps he has something there.

Seoul Baby's given name, whether given from his birth mother or foster mom, is a link to his Korean identity. It's a real connection to his birth country. And it's part of his history. 

We are two middle-class white folk, and although we will do our best, he won't be able to learn much about his Korean identity from us. His name may not tie him to his family, but it was given to him by people who loved him, cherished him, and made the best choices for him that they could.

Who are we to take that away from him? And for what? Because we want him to fit in? Because we want to choose a name of our liking? Because it's hard to pronounce some Korean names?

Those concerns are, of course, very real. How do we balance these things?

We are keeping in mind that children don't like to stand out in a crowd, which he will probably already do. So will having a Korean name make his life more difficult? Will it exacerbate the differences he may already feel from his peers? Would it become a constant reminder of the people and life he left behind? Or could it be a portal to help him fit in with other Koreans?

He will also be at least 8-months-old when he comes home (and likely older) and may not respond well to a name change.

I don't know. There's plenty of opinions on this topic from adoptees, on both sides of the fence.

Back to our decision...we are pretty sure that we will keep his Korean name, we just not sure if it will be what we call him on a daily basis. We want to see what his name is and work from there. We think we'll know the right thing to do when the time comes.

One person, on learning that we were considering keeping his Korean-given name, seemed appalled. "I certainly hope you are going to raise him American." I have no idea what that means. What connection does having a Korean name have to do with raising him American?

I guess that's a topic worth exploring later.

(photo credit: djearworm.com)

Fears

Just found this great article at KAAN (Korean American Adoptee Adoptive Family Network) that talks about building bridges to your child's ethnic community. This is such a fantastic article and addresses something I've worried about.

http://www.kaanet.com/adopting_from_korea/building_bridges.html

When we first started talking about where to adopt from, we discussed race & culture quite extensively. I  seem to wrangle over this more than Scott, who is quite practical in not worrying about things until it's time to worry about them. But this keeps nagging at me--I worry that because our child won't look like us, their adoptive history will always be on display. They won't have the chance to share their history on their own terms. As adoptive parent Barbara Randolph was quoted in the article, she states "They wear Korea in their faces every day of their lives."

I'm already quite proud of the fact that we'll be a multicultural family. I love the fact that we are all the same, and a little different too. I want them to be proud of their Korean heritage, but know children don't always like to be different. They want to be the same as everyone around them. How can we parent them effectively through that?

And the other thing I wonder about is how can we help them connect culturally? Our only experiences with Korea up to this point have been 1) that we love the food,  and 2) I had a layover in Seoul while traveling once. Of course we are reading all types of books on Korean culture, listening to music, attempting to learn a bit of language. But it seems ridiculous for two white people to try and teach a child about a culture that we have only studied in books and on CDs.

We've seen people who have gone completely over the top in trying to bring their child's heritage into the home (I have visions of me serving Kimchi in a traditional Han-bok). While I'd love to embrace the Korean culture, we acknowledge that they need so much more. We are passing on an understanding of a world we've learned through our "U.S. filter" and could be sharing misconceptions, stereotypes, or basic misunderstandings of an entire culture. And the thought of shaping our child's vision of their heritage in an adverse manner, no matter how unintentional it might be, breaks my heart.

I do know, for all my obsessing and worry about these topics, that Scott and I feel an incredible amount of love for a child out there who does not look like us at all (and that we have never met!). I'm positive that our love for that child will be the backbone that helps us find solutions to these questions, seeks out ways to give him/her the support they need.

Adoption from the "other" Korea

Senator Sam Brownback (R-Kansas) and Rep. Ed Royce (R-California) filed a bill last week, proposing to establish a pilot program for the eventual international adoption of orphaned North Korean children. There have been reports for years of children living on the streets, being abandoned, and starving in North Korea. North Korea has criticized South Korea for becoming a "baby export nation" although North Korea has plans to discontinue all international adoption programs by 2012. 

See the full text of the bill here: North Korean adoption bill

That kid doesn't look like your son

Funny video clip making the rounds right now. Little Losiah is jamming out with his sisters to "Single Ladies" by Beyonce, and is brought to tears when his Dad tells him he's not a "single lady."

Turns out this sweet little guy is a Korean-born adoptee. His Dad, Carlos Whittaker, deftly turned his parenting faux-pas into a platform for adoption education. Way to go!

The great thing about the video is — it's gone viral, but I'm reading on all the comments, "That kid doesn't look like your son!" And I kinda smile at it. We did adopt Losiah from South Korea three years ago; we brought him into our family and he became an instant part of the family. I'd love to bring adoption to the forfront of the conversation. And so if we can have Beyonce's "Single Ladies" help that, then by all means we'll go ahead and do that. As an adoptive parent, you think that you're going to change a child's life — but he has definitely changed our life for the better.

You can help us!

"What can we do to help?" 

We're so happy to have shared our news with you. We are overwhelmed with the support we've received and are so happy to share this with you all. Many of you has asked what you can do to help, and there is something you can do right now!

The Adoption Tax Credit is a federal tax break that reimburses families for $12,000 towards the cost of adoption. Adoptions are a costly endeavor (ours will be $30-40,000) so for lots of folks, this tax credit is a real lifeline and makes adoption possible. Unfortunately, 2010 is the last year of the current program, and adoptions must be completed this year to take advantage of this. Unless the government starts moving at the speed of light (as unlikely as pigs flying) our adoption will not be completed by 2010.

But we still have a little hope- two bills in the House and Senate – H.R. 213 and S2816 – will reinstate the credit if passed. Here's where you come in! Please take a few minutes to help children and families like ours, by contacting your Senators and Congressmen and let them know that you support these bills.
E-mail or phone calls are the best way to let our reps know that you support the bill. And we'll even help you get started.

Hey you, look here

1. Copy this letter of support from this site: http://tinyurl.com/yeas3v4 
2. Find your representatives at this site: http://www.contactingthecongress.org/
3. For each representative: paste in the pre-written letter, edit the letter to add your name (both in the first sentence, and the sign-off!), and click send
4. Done! 

You know we love you. And thanks for taking time to help us out! For more information on the cost of adoption, see "Is Adoption Expensive?"

Scott & Kris