Parent, know thyself

If there's one thing I've learned from the bit of adoption process we've experienced so far (which admittedly isn't much), is that it's forcing me to look at myself pretty closely and honestly.

At every step, we ask ourselves questions and are forced to be honest with ourselves and each other. Do we want to pursue infertility treatments? How important is being biologically related to our child? Do we care if our child is another race? What health conditions are we prepared to deal with? And the big question...will we ever be able to bond and become the family we dream of?

Each question is painful and difficult. There are no easy answers. I wrestle with each decision and find myself questioning them over and again. I've learned a lot about myself in these past few months, and am especially interested in contemplating how my past has shaped who I am today.

So it was a huge feeling of relief to read therapist Sally Maslansky's recent article in the Huffington Post titled Parenting and Adoption: Love and a Lot More. Maslansky believes that the more a parent has dealt with their own issues, the more likely that they will be successful in the child's attachment.

Before becoming a parent, reflecting on our own childhoods is an essential first step. What are our own unresolved issues? If you took something of your parent's when you were a child, did they accuse you of stealing? How did that make you feel? Did anyone ever help you as a child understand your actions and feelings? These are the essential first steps I believe to becoming a parent under any circumstances, and such an important step before adopting a child with so many challenges to face. So as a parent, how we have come to make sense of our life story is the first step to helping our children make sense of theirs.

Yay for us!  Introspection is our strong suit! Discussions about our families, experiences as children, and our feelings have been a staple since we first met. It's great to know that all that talking will play an important role in our journey to becoming good parents.


  1. Validation! I like to tell myself that 14 years of marriage was an awful lot of introspection! LOL! I'm positive we wouldn't have been the parents we will be if we had had kids in our mid 20s. We've become great communicators over the years.

    Hope things with your possible new agency are going well! Take care.

  2. I really believe that the reflection, discussion and education that happened during our pre-adoption process made me a better mom. I feel sorry for bio parents who don't get the same opportunity.

    I can already tell from reading your blog that you are going to be a great mom. Its obvious that every step you make in building your family is thoughtfully considered and not just hastily made in a mad rush to have a baby as quickly as possible.


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