The other side of the adoption coin: loud and angry

Comment received on my blog:
"What a revolting, solipsistic, narcisistic, self-centered, disgusting, heinous, odious, noisome, pathetic paean to everything that might possibly be wrong with Anglo-Saxon capitalist society and the dregs of humanity that it produces. Have you not one ounce of shame in that pea-sized thing in your head you call a brain? Have you no respect for anythign in this world other than your own self-glorification via your own mediation? I pray for the day when this child grows up, returns to Korea, and attempts to make up for the horrowshow that you will make of his life. There are 500 adult adoptees from the Korean diaspora who have returned to that country to shut down adoption there, and you would spit in their faces in order to fulfill what? Your destiny as members of an "elite of existence" who get to play God with other people's lives? How puke-worthy. If I started throwing up now and didn't stop for 100 years, it still wouldn't express how disgusting you are." Signed, daniel.ibnzayd

Open response to daniel.ibnzayd:

How dare you speak on behalf of all Korean adoptees. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion. But by no means do you represent the entire group of adoptees. Your opinion is that...your own.

What I feel for you is pity and sadness. It's a pity that you live your life filled with so much hate and anger, not only towards adoptive parents, but also for yourself. You also seem to spread your hate towards whites and specifically Americans. That's a lot of hate consuming you.

I'm totally open to hearing and learning more about how adoptees, particularly Korean adoptees feel. I'm not so innocent to believe that adoption is a perfect solution. And I know that it can cause immense pain for adoptees. I believe that the more I understand the journey, the better I can be at helping my son along his path. But diatribes filled with hate such as yours prevent any beneficial communication from taking place and end all discussion. Instead of reaching out to adoptive parents and helping other adoptees, you are alienating them.

So since you believe adoption is so wrong, I ask you: What exactly are you doing to help adoptees in Korea now? Yes, there is a group attempting to end international adoption, but considering that the culture of Korea is not fully accepting of single mothers or adoptees, what will happen to these children? What lives would you have them live? Would they be less pained by living in an orphanage in their country of origin? Or is it better to be loved and in a family, and return to your country as an adult?

Are you working to change the culture of acceptance for unwed mothers? Are you working to promote adoption within Korea? Instead of using your energy and brains to rant about how terrible Korean international adoption is, why not use them to help improve the system for adoptees int he future.

Although it's none of your business, I absolutely hope my child returns to Korea one day to learn what a wonderful country it is. To learn what a strong and passionate group people he comes from. I hope he contributes to society--be it in the U.S. or in Korea, or perhaps both--and he will share his gifts of love, passion and education to help others.

I'm sorry you have not learned the tools to work through your pain. I'm sorry that you allow adoption to be the scapegoat for all that seems to be wrong in your life. I hope you learn to move past this hatred, because it's consuming you (if you are trolling blogs and leaving such nasty comments, you seem to be consumed and are determined to inflict pain on others instead of trying to find ways to change the system).

Your hatred helps no one.

Best of luck.



  1. Wow. That was a tough comment to read. I hope the commenter is able to come to some peace with what happened to him.

  2. You are right, Sarah. It was (and is) a tough comment to read. While I think it's important to have dialogs about all aspects of adoption, both positive and negative, this sort of attack shuts down that possibility.

  3. I keep coming back to your point about the alternative - lives in Korea, but subject to stigma, limited opportunity, and often without a family. Adoption doesn't "solve" problems, but given what we have, I'm glad it exists. Children need families. Families that respect their roots and all of who they are. It's not perfect, but not much in life is.

    Well written response to a comment that could easily have elicited a very defensive rebuttal.

  4. What a troll. When people are that angry, nothing will get through to them. Great response though. It's how I feel about adoption in general. It's not perfect, but there are situations where adoption is a solution.

  5. I am the dad of a korean adoptee. This guy is a total troll. He has attacked me on twitter before and has followers who will do the same when they see that he has singled out an adoptive parent. Complete hate. He also has a website that only allows comments and blog posts from adoptees who agree with his view of adoption. Unfortunately, this comes with the territory when you put yourself out on the internet. The unfortunate thing is that most of us adoptive parents struggle with the issue of taking a child away from his/her homeland. It is a thought that enters my mine often. Most of us will encourage our children to visit Korea in the future. Most of us will be more than supportive if our children want to live in Korea. Most, if not all, of us try to bring Korean traditions, culture, food, into our homes to help our children learn. Unfortunately, in the minds of some, this is not enough and we are evil for taking a child away from their homeland (Human trafficking and child abuse is what he called it when he called me out).

    Your response was excellent, but I'm guessing you didn't receive any dialog back.

  6. Ignore the extremists of any view, especially in adoption if you are touched by adoption. You don't have time for the hatred they spew. Be yourself. Do your best. And yes, research and reach out to adoptees; they have been an amazing resource for me. But avoid the Adoption Is All Good and Adoption Is All bad peoples -- they do no good for anyone.

  7. Thanks everyone! You all have great viewpoints, and yes, this is what happens out in the blogging world. One of the reasons I wanted to put it out there for everyone is to show the variety of acceptance (or not) of adoption. I'm totally open to a wide variety of viewpoints but I'd like to enter into a reasonable dialog where it's possible to try and have real communication. Clearly this person is an extremist and is more based in holding on to his anger than in wanting to help bring understanding about his viewpoints.


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