The attachment dance

He's there right now. Day care.

I'm sitting on the couch with a laptop and kleenex and trying to refrain from getting in the car and driving over there and bringing him home.

We spent a little time last week at the day care. The teachers are sweet and nice. The kids seem happy. Little Man was a bit reserved when we went in. He clung to my neck for a few minutes, then ventured off but came back for hugs. And after a few minutes of that, he was off and playing, but visually checking in.

I have been feeling more secure in our attachment in the past month, and his behavior seemed to be a confirmation of that. That made me feel a lot more comfortable having someone else care for him three days a week. We can do this, I thought.

Today, The Man dropped him off because Mommy is a wimp that will be our daily routine. The Man called afterwards and gave me the full rundown. He went in, LM ran straight over to one of the teachers. Crawled into her lap. And then waved goodbye to The Man. And that was it.

And that's why I'm feeling all angsty and freaked out---Little Man is usually restrained with his hugs and lap time. So much so, that if he crawls into my lap and interacts with me for a few minutes, I get that little jolt of joy that I got when the cool kids let me sit at their lunch table in middle school.

So, knowing he tucked himself into the teacher's lap within the first minutes of walking in the door...that sets off all the attachment alarms in my head. Is he nervous and trying to get comfort from someone else? Why doesn't he sit like that with me?

This is the attachment dance. At least, it is in our house. One minute I'm sailing across the floor with my dance partner (LM), and not missing a beat. We smile at one another. Play together easily. He runs into the room where I am, greeting me with a big smile and hug. He likes to interact with me. We are connected!

And other times, he pushes me away when I hold him. He runs to strangers and tries to climb on their laps. He refuses to make eye contact of any sort. I try to interact with him and he shows no interest.

These are behaviors that all toddlers display from time to time, but when LM does them, I start to panic. I panic, because of all the attachment horror stories we've heard.

I panic, because I'm totally insecure in our relationship. (Are all mothers insecure about their relationship with their children??)

So, day care is just another step in our attachment dance. He snuggles with the teacher and I fear that he'll think she's the mommy now.

We are coming up to five months of being at home. Progress has been slow but steady. We are definitely closer, but I don't feel like the bond is so strong that I don't have to worry about it. I am concerned about how spending time away from us will affect our relationship. He's had so much change and loss in his short year of life. He's had many people come and go in his life. What if he thinks that we are leaving him too?

I know this week will be a tough one, probably more for me than for him. One day at a time, right?
Going to try and keep busy today. Which shouldn't be a problem. Tackling all the things I haven't had time to get done, like trimming the hedges (hard to do with a baby running around) or cleaning the garage.

If I can ever get off this couch.

Sniff.